Page 86 of Victorious: Part 2
Furrowing my brows at his question, I slump my shoulders. “Of what?”
“All of it. This. Us. What happens when we go back to the real world?”
The question hits deeper than I expected. Because yes, I am scared. Terrified, actually. Of how Maverick will react. Of whether what we have can survive outside of this weird bubble we’ve created. Of whether Phoenix will decide I’m too much trouble when things get complicated.
“Yeah,” I admit. “I’m fucking terrified. But I’m more scared ofnot trying than I am of it not working out.”
Phoenix reaches for my hand, threading our fingers together. “Good answer… and same.”
“Cedar,” I say, trying to lighten the mood a little. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” he says. “Seems to be the theme tonight.”
I hesitate, not sure how personal I should get. But there’s something about this whole evening, about the way we’re all sitting here being honest with virtual strangers, that makes me feel like deeper questions are okay.
“Do you ever miss who you used to be?” I ask softly.
Cedar is quiet for a long moment, his eyes moving to Meadow, who’s now humming along to the music and playing with the fringe on a throw pillow.
“Every day,” he says finally. “But I think that’s normal when your life changes. The thing is, I’m not the same person I was before. That version of me wouldn’t have known how to love someone the way Meadow needs to be loved. So maybe missing who I used to be is only part of becoming who I’m supposed to be.”
“That’s very wise,” Phoenix says quietly.
“Or very good therapy,” Cedar replies with a sheepish smile. “Okay, Phoenix. Your turn. Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” Phoenix says immediately.
“Oh, come on!” Meadow bounces up from her spot by Cedar’s chair. “Someone has to choose dare. That’s half the fun.”
“Fine,” Phoenix says, clearly regretting it already. “Dare.”
Meadow claps her hands together, her eyes bright with mischief. “I dare you to tell Clover something you’venevertold anyone else.”
“That’s not really a dare,” Phoenix points out. “That’s just truth with extra steps.”
“It’s a truth dare,” Meadow insists. “The dare part is that youhave to be completely honest about something you usually keep hidden.”
Phoenix runs a hand through his hair, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t really do the whole… sharing feelings shit.”
“That’sexactlywhy it’s a dare,” Cedar points out, not unsympathetically.
Phoenix is quiet for so long that I start to think he’s going to refuse. But then he turns to face me fully, his expression serious.
“I’ve never told anyone this,” he says slowly. “But the first time I saw you at that club party where I came into the club after the whole Steel Serpents shitstorm, you were laughing at something Sadie said, and it was the most genuine sound I’d heard in months. And I thought,‘There’s a person who hasn’t let the world make her cynical yet.’It scared the shit out of me because I wanted to be around that. Around you. But I also knew I was exactly the kind of person who could take that light away from you. Because my entire life was darkness, Clover. I am that darkness, and I didn’t want you anywhere near it. Your brother certainly saw it. It’s why he’s so adamant about my keeping away from you. Because my darkness is infectious, Clover.”
My breath catches. “Phoenix…”
“I’m not done,” he says quietly. “What I never told anyone is that every time I tried to stay away from you after that, it felt like trying to stay away from the sun. Like I was choosing to live in the dark when there was warmth right there, begging to make me a better man. I’ve been living in the dark for so long, Clo, that I forgot what it felt like to want to step into the light. To be warm…” He sniffs back, clearly trying to keep his emotions in check. “You keep me warm, Clover.”
The silence that follows feels sacred somehow. Saltwater floods my eyes, a single tear sliding down my cheek, and when I look around the room, I see Meadow is holding back her tears, too, her hands pressed to her heart.
“That’s the most beautiful thing I haveeverheard,” Meadow whispers.
“Yeah, not bad, kid,” Cedar says quietly.
I squeeze Phoenix’s hand, not trusting myself to speak without my voice breaking.
How do you respond to someone telling you that you’re their light, especially when they’ve become yours too?
