Page 79 of Best Man
Then I grab his pen and scrawl something on the list before climbing into bed and wrapping my arms around my Zeb and our dog as the sounds of London outside my window lull me to sleep.
ZEB
I wake up to sunshine streaming through the window, the smell of fresh bread on the air from the bakery next door, and Jesse’s hair in my face. I edge back, pushing the silky strands out of my nose, and stare at him. He’s curled around me like I tried to escape in the night, and I inhale the scent of green tea that clings to his skin. His face is gilded by the sunshine and his mouth half open as he snores gently. I smile and shake my head before pressing a kiss to his forehead that’s gentle but no less passionate, as all my feelings seem to suffuse it.
I’m thankful that he sleeps on because he still looks tired with faint shadows showing under those ridiculously long eyelashes. He must have the morning off because his alarm never went off. I decide immediately to take the morning off too.
We haven’t seen much of each other this week, apart from an oddfew minutes snatched here and there, mainly because of a case he’s been dealing with. I was right when I thought he’d be a good social worker. He’s passionate and committed and farsighted. His dad called him an old soul, and it’s true.
However, although he pays attention to other people’s needs, he ignores himself, and I’ve noticed signs of him wearing thin this week. And that’s what I consider to be my job. He’s mine in a way that few things ever have been. I love him deeply and beyond anything I knew I was capable of, and, as such, all my caretaking impulses are out in full force with him. I’ll therefore watch him a bit more closely this week, pamper him, and let him know he’s loved. He, as normal, will in turn watch me with a wry look in his pretty eyes and love me back.
I still sometimes can’t believe that he’s with me. This vibrant, funny man could have anyone, and he chose me. However, I trust more and more every day, and we feel real to me. Inevitable and strong.
He influences everything that’s good in my life now. He’s life and light and warmth and laughter. Even the fact that I’m flipping houses is down to him in a way. Having him love who I really am gave me the courage to be myself again. I don’t miss the agency and I’m going to make Felix a partner because I know that when I’ve finished this house, I’ll move on to another. I find it so satisfying to do up an old house and watch it come alive again.
I find it equally satisfying that I now stop working at the weekends and nights so we can be together. And we’ve used the time properly. We travel a lot, visiting all the places that I wanted to, and one shelf on the bookcase is dedicated to travel guides. Their bright colours make me smile every time I catch sight of them.
We still have that map that he crumpled up in the bookstore, and Jesse insists that we’ll visit one day and find the remains of the ancient barrow. I’ve agreed because I think I’ll propose to him there. The thought doesn’t even raise an inch of freaked out in me now. Just a desire to make us permanent and absolute.
Maybe that’s because I’m finally happy and whole. I’m me. I’m Zeb Evans, not Eddie Evans’s son, and I feel free to embrace the good characteristics I got from my dad without thinking I’m going to succumb to his worst ones. I know I can be funny like him and that I can commandpeople’s attention without having to then run off and marry seven people and rack up debts. Most of all, I know that by giving in and living my life fully, I’m not going to become him. I’m me, and I’m finally happy with that version because Jesse loves it.
I shrug and run my fingers through his silky hair. Then I ease quietly out of bed, shaking my head at Clarence who is perched on the end of the bed looking at me with bright eyes.
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re somewhere you shouldn’t be,” I whisper as I step into my khaki shorts and pull on a navy T-shirt. I edge into the bathroom and clean my teeth quietly and then wander out to the lounge to grab his lead. I shake my head and tut as I kick my feet into Jesse’s trainers that are, as normal, lying abandoned on the floor. He’s like a very contained cyclone to live with.
“We’ll go and get him some breakfast,” I whisper to Clarence who dances about when he sees the lead. I clatter down the stairs and out into the early morning bustle of Neal’s Yard. When he’s had a wee outside, I put in our usual order at the bakery of some lemon curd doughnuts and the raisin loaf that Jesse loves, exchanging greetings with the lady behind the counter and answering questions about Jesse. I’ve lived here for ten years, and yet it’s Jesse who knows all the shopkeepers. I’ve often thought rather fancifully that he’s the bridge between the world and my insular tendencies. I can’t retreat behind my walls when he’s blown massive bloody holes in them.
I make my way through the office, laying Felix’s breakfast on his desk as I go. He’s standing unloading his bag onto the desk, and he grins widely. “It’s like having a very buff houseboy.”
“Thrilled as I am to have my whole existence reduced to my body and food-providing abilities, I’m going to have to pull myself away from your conversation.”
“Your loss.” He takes a sip of his coffee and sighs happily. “Except that it really isn’t because I’ve just rolled out of an empty bed and yours is full of your young totty.”
“Felix, someone someday is going to take a whack at that equilibrium of yours. I can’t wait.”
“That sounded slightly bloodthirsty and extremely implausible. I’m like Teflon emotionally.” I stare at him because he wasn’t always likethis and it hurts my heart to know why. He waves a hand at me as if dismissing the look on my face. “So, asked him to move in yet?”
I shake my head. “I’m trying to find the right words.”
“Actually, they’re quite easy. ‘Will you move in with me and be my boy toy until the end of days?’”
I roll my eyes as he laughs. “I made a list of arguments to persuade him.”
“Well, of course you did. Not that you’ll need it with him. He’s nauseatingly in love with you. What’s the matter?”
My face must show a horrified expression. “Oh shit, I left the list on the bedside table. Fuck. Maybe he’s seen it.”
He bites his lip. “Well, if he’s read it, at least you’ve managed to cut out the terrible middleman bit of having to use words. Out loud.”
“Fuck,” I say again and dart up the stairs, Clarence trotting along behind.
“Good luck,” he shouts after me.
I let myself into the flat and tiptoe towards the bedroom. “We’ll creep in and get it,” I whisper to Clarence at the door. “And he’ll never know.”
“Never know what?” comes a warm voice.
“Shit,” I mutter to Clarence, who is patently unconcerned as he sits down to lick his balls. I come cautiously round the door to find Jesse sitting up, leaning against the headboard with the green sheets in a puddle around his lap. His hair is falling over his face, his eyes glowing with humour.
