Page 51 of Best Man
He leans forward, pointing his fork at me in quite a threatening manner. “I don’t know when your brain vaporized but it must be a recent thing. What the hell were you thinking of?”
“Thank you,”I say in vindication and then I sigh. “It was such a stupid thing to do. I just got caught up in the heat of the moment and the next thing I knew we were in bed and… Why are you looking at me like that?”
He shakes his head in apparent disbelief. “That’s not the mistake I was referencing. I’m not talking about you sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“This morning’s behaviour,” he says loudly and then lowers his voice as some people at nearby tables turn to stare at us. “I’m talking about you acting like we’re in the plot ofPoldark, and you’ve just despoiled a virgin.”
I shoot a quick glance around, but everyone has gone back to their breakfasts. “I panicked,” I mutter. “It wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever done.”
“You’re telling me. It was unkind.”
“Oh, I see you got the full story,” I say, stung because Max doesn’t look like this at me. He’s always looked up to me. “Jesse didn’t waste much time.”
He looks even more disappointed, if that’s possible, and my stomach churns. “He hardly said anything. I just got the whole picture from a few words and his general air of being kicked in the fucking teeth.”
I sigh and scrub my hands down my face, digging my palms into my eyes. “Shit, I knew I hurt him. I handled it so badly.”
“Yes, you did, and that should tell you something right there.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that youneverhandle things badly. You’re always perfect. Perfect dress. Perfect manners. Perfect way to deal with every situation.”
“Nice to know you noticed.”
He doesn’t take the bait. “And now look at you running around the foyer in just a sheet, offending Nina and Patrick at every turn.”
“Who told you that?”
“I’m a journalist,” he says primly. “I’m an expert at getting information.”
“It’s not Iraq.” I pause. “So, you’re agreeing with me, then?” He stares at me, so I elaborate. “I’m behaving very foolishly. The whole thing is a big mistake, and after I’ve apologised to Jesse, hopefully we can go back to our own lives and…”
“No.”
I nod. “Exactly. Wait. What? What do you mean no?”
“You’re missing my point, Zeb. Those things aren’t bad. They’re actually good.” I stare at him in absolute confusion. “Zeb, I love you. You’re my brother in all but name. But Christ, you’re buttoned up. You’re such a fucking grown-up.” I draw back, stung, and he seizes my hand. “I know what your dad was like and much as I loved him, it wasn’t easy living with that.” I stiffen, and he lifts my hand and kisses it swiftly. “Babe, you’re wonderful and one of the most important people in my life, but you’ve worried me over the last few years. Youhardly laugh anymore. You’ve become obsessed with keeping things on an even keel.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“There is if that’s all there is. You only appreciate an even keel when you’ve been through a few storms. You steer away from them, Zeb, and sometimes you shouldn’t.” He sighs as I stare at him. “Life shouldn’t always be pleasant. It shouldn’t always be nice. Life should be lived to the utmost, and you’re just not doing it anymore. Do you know what I’ve seen this week?” he says fiercely. I shake my head, a little afraid to provoke him at the moment. “I’ve seen you laugh.”
“I do that all the time.”
“Name the last time, and it can’t be if it was just a polite response to someone’s joke so you didn’t make them feel bad.”
I think hard and finally shake my head. He nods in satisfaction. “Exactly. Zeb, you’re a snarky, sarcastic bastard but you conceal it with mostly everyone apart from a few.” He lifts his fingers and counts. “Me, Felix, and Jesse.”
“Max,” I say on a long sigh.
“No,” he says passionately. “You’re more alive with that boy than I’ve ever seen you before. You laugh and you’re animated and just here. In the present with the rest of us mortals. I don’t want you to lose that and go back to being responsible Zeb who’s too bothered about other people rather than himself. You put yourself too much in their shoes when you should be kicking your own footwear off and dancing on the odd table.”
“I can’t help being responsible,” I protest. “That’s a good thing. And my responsible boring side tells me that I shouldn’t do this with Jesse. He’s lovely, Max. He’s warm and kind and funny. He’s quick-witted and clever. Why should someone like that be saddled with me? I’m forty-four. I’m twenty years older than him, for fuck’s sake. Any glamour he sees in me at the moment will have long worn off by the time I’m sixty and he’s only forty.”
“Or maybe it won’t,” he says quietly. I stare at him, and he gives a small sigh. “Maybe it will never wear off. You don’t know that, Zeb. You’re so focused on what’s going to happen down a long road that you don’t stop to look at the scenery around you.” He pauses beforeshooting me a quick intense glance. “He could die tomorrow, you know. I’ve seen death.” His eyes darken. “Far too many times with people I’ve cared about. Jesse could be knocked down by a bus or have a heart attack or fall down some stairs or–”
