Page 37 of After Felix
“So, why are you? Because that rather seems like the theme of your life,” I say wearily.
He sits back in his chair and stretches. “Because you deserve to know the truth, Felix.”
“Do I? And I need to hear it from you? What on earth have I done to deserve that? Maybe I was a mass murderer in a previous life,” I say sourly.
He smiles. It isn’t pleasant. “I think you should probably just plod along after them, Felix, and have a listen because you deserve to know the truth. I don’t like you, but I equally don’t like what Max has done.”
“What has he done?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“Go and listen,” he urges me happily. He leaves the table and heads to the other room.
I watch him go and then huff and drain my drink.What a tool he is, I think. I’m not going to listen at doors like a snoop. I have more fucking self-respect than that.
Which is why, of course, I find myself wandering along the bottom floor of the house looking in doors and listening for the familiar tones of Max and Zeb. I can’t find them, and after five minutes I give up and turn to go back to the party. However, I quickly find myself in an unfamiliar corridor, and that’s when I hear raised voices. Max and Zeb.
“… don’t like involving myself in your business.” It’s Zeb’s voice.
“Well, the solution is very simple. Fucking don’t,” Max says.
My heart starts to pound so heavily it beats in my ears, and I know I should turn back and let Max talk to me when he’s ready. However, the desire to know more draws me like an iron filing to a magnet, andinstead of walking away, I drift closer, feeling my heart rate increase because I know I’m not going to like what I hear.
“It’s not that easy.” Zeb’s voice is sad. “I care for Felix, and I hate that you haven’t told him the truth.”
“I care for him too.” Max’s voice is loud and impassioned. My heart speeds up and I smile. It drops off my face very quickly with Zeb’s next words.
“Do you, Max? Or do you just feel affection for someone you’re fucking? We both know there’s never going to be anything else on offer for him.”
“He doesn’t wantthat,” Max scoffs, and my stomach clenches at the utter denial in his voice.
There’s the sound of movement, and when Zeb speaks next, it’s low and intense. “Don't do that, Max. Don’t lead him on. He’s a lovely young man and he deserves so much fucking more than to come in a very lagging second place.”
“What the fuck are you on about?” Max says. “He’s not second place.”
I want to feel jubilation, but his tone belies the words. There’s no conviction there. Just a hopeless, sad sort of resignation and I feel as if I’m going to be sick.
I move away. I don’t need to hear anymore. Unfortunately, I don’t move quickly enough.
“Yes, he is.” Zeb’s voice is soft but implacable. “Because you’re still in love with Ivo and you are stringing Felix along.”
I smother my gasp and fall back against the opposite wall. My mind is racing, and suddenly everything makes sense. I feel no real surprise, so it’s likely that a part of me has suspected this all along. The silence about Ivo, the way Max has been this weekend, the constant drinking to drown out what I now realise is genuine pain.
“I’m not stringing him along.”
“Yes, you are.” Zeb’s voice contains absolute authority. “And for the first time in our lives, I’m worried that I’m going to be ashamed of you. Felix deserves the world. He deserves someone who will put him first, someone who will love everything that’s wonderful about him and there is so bloody much of that. He needs someone who won’t belooking over his shoulder constantly for the person he really wants. Felix should be enough for the right man. Can you be that person, Max?”
There’s a long silence, and then Max says, ‘no’ and all of my half-formed dreams and plans collapse. I reel away from the wall and make my way back down the corridor, my heart pounding as if it’s trying to leave my chest. The pain needs to come out, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let that happen in public.
I find my way back to our room, but, strangely, the pain stays buried and I feel numb. I go to the window and look out. Twilight has fallen, and the grounds are lit with torches. I jump as a firework suddenly explodes over my head, and I hear the sounds of cheering. I feel cold and distant from it all, and I welcome that state of being.
I’ve been second place all my life—with my dad and his new family, with my mum too obsessed with her lost relationship to see me. I was even an interloper with Misha’s family when I lived with them. For once in my life, I thought I’d found someone I could care about, someone who might reciprocate. I’d been lulled by the great sex, the intense conversations and laughs, the way he looked after me, only to find that I’m bloody second place yet again.
I stand there for a while, feeling the cold breeze on my face and listening to the revellers below. I breathe in and, when I exhale, I let everything go—my silly hopes and dreams for a future with Max, the safety I’d felt only with him, the stupid idea that he might be someone who could grow to love me. I push every feeling away, and then I move about the room, packing my bag.
I’m sitting in the armchair by the window when the door opens. Max’s tall figure is silhouetted against the light in the hallway for a second before he pulls the door shut. “Felix?” he says, the slur still apparent in his voice.
I reach over and flick on the table lamp, and he curses at the brightness and flings his hand up to shield his eyes.
I wait him out, one leg crossed over the other. When he lowers his hand, I watch his gaze flick about the room before landing on the bag by my feet.
