Page 85 of Charlie Sunshine
The words are sharp, and any thought of shutting up leaves me. “I liked your speech.”
He looks flabbergasted. “Erm, thank you.”
I nod. “I liked the talk of abdicating all responsibilities from now on. That was nice.”
He looks as if he’s walking through a field full of unexploded bombs. “And yet I’m sensing that you are somehow pissed off with that, Charlie.”
“Not pissed off,” I deny automatically. He shoots me an unimpressed look, and I raise my hands helplessly. “Just wondering why you can’t see it, that’s all.”
He straightens. “See what?”
“This. You and me,” I say. My lousy mood of earlier has managed to slip its lead, and now I’m full-on cross. “Look very clearly at us, Misha, because I don’t think you’re doing that at the moment.”
“Why don’t you enlighten me, Charlie, because you seem to have such a lot of things to say. Such a lot of suddenlyloudthings to say.”
I breathe in sharply. “You haven’t given up all your responsibilities.” He stares at me. “I mean, there’s still me.”
“What?”
The words pour out of me. “I’m one of those responsibilities. Probably the biggest one. I mean, just look at me. I’m still having seizures.”
“Turns.”
I laugh. “It doesn’t bloody matter. Call them tumble dryers if you want, Misha. They’re seizures, and I’m at the risk of having them every day for the rest of my life.”
“I know that,” he says softly.
“Do you?Really? It’s a different knowledge from when we were just friends. Then you could walk away when you wanted. You could zip off and fuck your flavour of the evening. Now, you’re stuck with me.”
“Don’teversay I’m stuck with you again,” he says furiously. “I won’t have you talk about yourself like that.”
“But you are,” I say passionately. “You are stuck with a man whohas a lifelong condition that could get worse. And one day if the meds stop working, I could end up having surgery and then what? You know the risks attached to that. We looked at them together.”
“We did, and I seem to recall that the surgery has worked very well for people.”
“It has.” I nod wildly. “But in other people, it’s resulted in some personality changes. Is that what you want, Misha? Do you want to end up with someone different from the original person you took on? Do you want to be looking after me for the rest of your life putting out my tablets every day and fastening my medi bracelet?”
He’s gone very white. “Why would you bother asking?” he says through thin lips. “When you’ve already decided what my feelings are on the matter.”
“You could have someone better, Misha.”
“Who?” The word is an explosion of sound. “Who is better than you?”
“Well, Adam, for a start.”
He looks confused. “Who?”
“Adam, the beautiful man sitting next to you at the table. He’s been practically in your lap over dessert. Surely you remember?”
His expression clears slightly, and he steps closer. “Charlie, are you jealous?”
“Fuck off.” I raise my finger at him, my hand shaking. “Don’t make a joke out of this. The fact is that you can have someone else easily. Someone who won’t have seizures, someone who can have a cocktail or a shot at a wedding reception. Someone like him. He doesn’t have any problems. He’s all shiny hair and an expensive suit.”
“Well, I’m so glad you can gauge that from just his clothes. Such an under-appreciated talent you’ve got. Like water divining, but with Hugo Boss instead.” The words are light, but his voice is full of anger, and when I look closely, I can see the rage in his eyes. He stops and takes a deep breath, and when he speaks next, his words are icy cold, and they make me flinch. “Still, it’s nice that you’ve made up my mind for me, Charlie. Because I’m such a fucking idiot lightweight, I’d better stick to my own kind. God forbid that I should want more. You’ve actually made your real opinion of me very clear. I’m obviously notmentally and emotionally capable of sustaining anything that’s even slightly complicated.” He nods. “Thank you for telling me. You’ve saved me a lot of trouble in the long run.”
His eyes are filled with hurt and anger and loss. I feel it all deep in my stomach. I’ve never seen Misha like this before, and I hate the fact that I’m the cause of it. All my rage suddenly dies away, leaving me tired and drained. I open my mouth to apologise, but before I can, he steps back.
“You should go home,” he says coldly.
