Page 51 of Charlie Sunshine
He nods as if I’ve confirmed something and carries on talking. “I think that everything got pushed to the side with the worry over the increased seizures, but that tiny part of your brain woke up again when he was away for the six weeks. Now, he’s back and looking great, and it’s like you’re almost meeting a stranger.” He holds his hand out like a conjurer. “And ta-da, you’ve realised that you want him.”
I stare at him. “Is thatit?”
He looks stunned. “Well, it’s quite a lot.”
“It’s fuck all, actually. I already worked all that out myself.” I lean forward. “I thought you were going to tell me what to do about it.”
“Well, you’re a big boy, Misha. I sort of presumed you’d know how to proceed with the rest of it on your own.”
“Proceed?”
“Yes. Dates and settling down, et cetera.”
“Dates and settling down, et cetera? Are you fuckingmad?”
Rupert looks slightly worried now. “You’re not going to date Charlie?”
“No, I’m fucking not. Are you insane?”
“Why amIinsane?” he says crossly. “He loves you. You love him. Get married, adopt babies.” I scrunch my face up in disgust. “Okay, adopt llamas for all I care. Just do whatever comes naturally with him.”
I glare at him. “No fucking way.”
He slumps. “What is thematterwith you? You’re perfect together, Misha.”
“We’re perfect together as friends.Friends,” I emphasise. “And that is all that Charlie sees us as.” He opens his mouth to object, and I wag my finger at him. “He sees me as his best friend, and that is it. I would certainly be the first person to know if Charlie’s feelings had changed, and theyhaven’t. Jesus, if I made a move, I’d fuck everything up between us anyway because I’m not good at relationships.”
“How do you know?”
The bald question stops me in my tracks. “Well, look at me. I don’t exactly scream consistency.”
“I am looking, Misha,” he say indignantly. “I just see a man who has hook-ups and has never actuallytriedto have a relationship.”
“Well. I’ve already got three of those that don’t exactly run smoothly,” I say sourly.
“And you’re exceptionally good at them,” he says calmly. “You’re candid, loving, funny, and always there for them. Just because they’re responsibilities you didn’t ask for, it doesn’t mean you aren’t good with them.” He stands up and paces over to the window, leaning against it and looking at me. “Listen, you said at the age of eighteen that you didn’t ever want a relationship and you stuck to that so hard it got enshrined in your mind as something that was an absolute truth. It doesn’t mean it’s right. It just means that you’ve never met anyone who you’ve wanted to try anything else with.”
I shift in my chair. “I can’t have a relationship with Charlie.”
“You already do.”
“Yes, but it’s as friends.”
“It’s been more than friends for a long while, Misha. The two ofyou have just never realised it. You’re the reason his relationships never work.”
“That’s a shitty thing to say,” I say, stung.
He shrugs. “It’s the truth. He gets what he needs from you. He doesn’t look to other people, and you’re the same.”
“Then maybe I should back away and let him have a relationship,” I say, irritated by how hard it is to say that. He looks at me, and his smugness annoys me like he’s rubbing a stinging nettle on my chest. I rub that spot. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because I don’t think you can do that. You’re already too far down the path to draw back.”
“Okay, Little Red Riding Hood. You’re wrong, and I’m going to prove it.” I reach for my phone.
He shifts, some of his confidence dying away. “Wait. What are you doing?”
“I’m looking for Doug’s number.”
