Page 51 of Sunflower Persona
The euphoric high only lasts long enough for the now icy spray to wash away the mess, and shame rapidly replaces it.
This is a new low.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more pathetic or like such a creep.
Fuck.
This can’t happen again, and those fantasies can never happen at all. I pushed her away for a reason. She deserves more than I can ever give her. I need to distance myself from her, and if that means pulling away from the group, I will. She needs my friends more than I do, and she will be better for them too. Maybe it’s for the best. None of them need to be hanging around with the creepy old pervert. After this, I’m not sure I don’t deserve to be alone.
Numb, I drag myself out from under the spray, barely taking the time to dry myself off before slipping into an old pair of sweats. Even in the light of day, my gloom is stronger than ever.Its shadows dance at the edges of my vision, casting a dark shroud over the otherwise bright apartment. I don’t have the energy to fight it. Not now. Not after today.
It circles in closer, growing more and more oppressive, as I cross the hall and drop into my bed. The smallest hint of Yellow’s citrus scent clings to my pillowcase. I should have washed it, but I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of that reminder of her. Now I wish I had, because it only adds to my self-loathing.
The gloom descends completely, bombarding me with intrusive thoughts and harsh reminders of why I should finally give in and let it win. I’ve battled it long enough to know all I can do is lie here and bear it.
Time passes by in a blur in my dissociated state. It might have been minutes or hours, but it’s Karis’s voice that pulls me out from under the crushing waves of melancholy.
“We’ve been knocking for fifteen minutes,” she shouts from down the hallway. Whatever she was going to say next dies on her lips when she sees my state and mumbles “shit” under her breath.
Shit indeed. But it’s not the first time Karis has found me in the midst of a meltdown. Hell, it’s the main reason she has a key. I went dark a few years back, and she damn near took my front door off its hinges when I didn’t respond to any of her check-ins.
She disappears from the doorway, her voice continuing to carry as she addresses the “we” she mentioned.
“Go ahead and get started without me. We’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“But Kare Bear, I have no idea what I’m doing,” Nathan whines.
“Then grab a beer and wait,” she snaps, “but we need a few.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, and the front door closing echoes from the living room.
A heartbeat later, she’s back in my room. The mattress dips beneath me as she sits by my waist.
“How bad this time,” she asks.
There isn’t a hint of judgment in her voice—there never is.
“Pretty bad,” I tell her. Lying now would only cause more problems.
“Bad enough I need to send Nathan and Morgan home?”
Goddamnit, she had to bring the whole cavalry. As much as I’d love to tell her yes and go back to wallowing, I know that isn’t what I need.
“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
I hope.
The room spins as I sit up and blink away the last of my daze. Sunlight still trickles in through the window, so I couldn’t have been out of it for too long. That’s good at least.
She hums in acknowledgment as she stands and moves to inspect the plants by the window. I know she has no real interest in my collection; she’s giving me space to reorient myself without an audience. It’s the same song and dance we go through every time she finds me like this.
I swing my legs off the side of the bed, sitting with my back to her as I try to convince myself to take the final step and stand. Maybe I’m not as fine as I want to be.
“What was the trigger?” The shadow of her fingers fidgeting with the long, thin leaf pinched between them plays on the wall in front of me.
Normally, I have no issues telling her all my sordid secrets, but any mention of Kori gets caught in my throat.
Karis lets me stew for a few minutes, not pushing me further despite the heavy silence in the air.
