Page 118 of Sunflower Persona
“Is it my results?” I snap once the nerves get to be too much.
A sly smirk twists the corner of his lips. “Now you are anxious to know.”
“Nathan,” I bark and lunge for my device, but he jumps back before I can grasp it.
“You passed with a 180. College Ready Plus Credit. You fucking did it, man.”
I’m stunned as he pulls me in for an enthusiastic hug.
“I passed…?” I ask, completely stiff in his arms.
The information doesn’t compute with the disappointment I braced for.
“You did.” He shoves my phone in my face so I can see the proof myself, and low and behold, I fucking did.
I snatch it from his hand and start to type a message to my woman, but reality crashes back over me like a bucket of ice water before I can hit send.
She’s not mine anymore. But that doesn’t mean she still isn’t the first person I want to share my good news with, even if she doesn’t want to hear it. This isn’t the first time I’ve started to text her, only to remember that isn’t an option anymore.
My friend is so lost in his own enthusiasm, he doesn’t notice mine wane.
“We need to go celebrate. I’ll call Karis and Morgan,” he says, already pulling out his phone to send the news to the group chat.
“Yeah, sure,” I say, not really listening. A celebration isn’t at the forefront of my mind. The GED is great, but it’s only a stepping stone to my final goal, and I need to remember that so I don’t wander off my path.
“Anywhere but Cutter’s, right man?” Nathan jokes.
Of course, that’s where we end up. Like Karis, Nathan, and James could all agree on something else. Even suggesting other bars devolved into a screaming match in the middle of College Avenue. I’m not complaining, though. There’s been so much change in my life these past few months that the familiarity is nice—even if we are paying for the drinks tonight since it’s my day off.
“To Gage finally getting his shit together,” Karis says, holding a shot in the air.
The rest of my friends mirror her, and begrudgingly, I do the same before we all slam it back. The moment would be perfect if there wasn’t a gaping hole where a certain sunflower should be. Nothing feels the same without her, not even my friends, because they are her friends too. Her roots grew well beyond me. But I ruined it for everyone because I’m too much of a pussy to handle my own feelings.
I’m pathetic.
“So what are the next steps,” Morgan asks, pulling my focus away from my self-loathing.
Even in the middle of a celebration of my accomplishments, it finds a way to surface and remind me exactly of my place.
“The application window for the apprenticeship program I want to get closes next week. Now that the GED is taken care of, I can apply to that, and if I get it, I’ll spend the next couple of years working and getting training through them.”
“You’ve got this,” he says with a gentle smile.
“I fucking hope so. I don’t actually have a backup plan here. This is the only program I found that sets you up with full-time work and offers benefits from the start. If this doesn’t pan out, I’ll have to start looking at becoming something other than an electrician, because I can’t wait another six months to apply again. I’m not getting any younger, and it will take several years before I get fully certified.”
“Fuck them if they don’t want you,” Karis sneers. “You would be the best damn apprentice they’ve ever had.”
“Thanks, Kare,” I say, brushing her alcohol-fueled praise aside.
“And what about Kori? Are you going to try to win her back now that you’ve got a solid plan for your future?” Evelyn asks with idealistic hope in her voice.
“No,” I bark out sharper than I mean to. “Winning Kori back has never been part of the plan. I’m doing this for me and me alone.”
Her face falls, and I can’t help but feel guilty. I know she and Nathan are hoping that we will reconnect, but that can’t happen, no matter how much I would love to be hers again. Going to her now would spit in the face of everything I’ve accomplished over the past couple of months. If I make this about her instead of me, I never changed at all, and that would mean I don’t deserve her. It’s a fucked-up Catch-22. As much as it kills me, Kori is my past now, and that’s all she’ll ever be.
Chapter 38
Kori
