Page 100 of Sunflower Persona
After a lot of convincing, I manage to get Evelyn to leave. She wanted to spend the night “so I wouldn’t be alone,” but after both volumes ofKill BillandPacific Rim,I decided enough was enough. I couldn’t stand the constant look of pity on her face or the way she watched me like I might break down at any moment.
I’m not sure being alone is any better. At least when she was here, I had someone to distract me from my thoughts. Now, in the dark of my room, they keep drifting back to him. How could they not when his presence has tainted everything in here.
The plush fuzz of my favorite blanket is the same one I wrapped myself in when he showed up at my door and claimed me once and for all. TheGodzillaposters remind me of the nights spent on his sofa, filled with tentative touches as he listened to my endless commentary while we watched the films. Even my favorite color has been ruined. I can’t look at the bright hue without hearing the way his voice softened when he called meLowor seeing how the corners of his lips curved with a smile that was reserved for me.
Fuck him for embedding himself so deeply into my life in only a few short months.
And fuck him for making it so easy for me to love him.
The surge of emotions I’ve been waiting for finally makes an appearance, crashing through my body in a destructive wave. A thick lump lodges itself in my throat as hot tears burn behind my eyes.
He is never going to kiss me again, or hold me, or listen to me ramble about whatever nonsense comes to my head. I’m never going to feel that same sense of safety that his presence brought. I’ll never hear the rasp of his stern commands when he thinks he knows what’s best for me, and I’ll never see the spark in his eyes when I fight back. No more late-night movie dates or goodnight texts. We are back to being strangers—worse now, because I doubt I’ll be able to escape seeing him. Not if his friends still want me around.
My chest constricts at the thought.
Losing him is hard, but losing all of them…that’s what I feared most from the start.
A sob tears through me like an earthquake, letting loose the tsunami of tears. I clutch my pillow to my chest and cry even harder at the faintest whiff of his clean scent that clings to the cotton.
My weeping is endless. Those tears flow until my throat is raw and my eyes swell shut, and even once the well runs dry, my body heaves with silent gasps. I’m exhausted by the time I pull myself together—mind, body, and soul. But as I lie in my pitch-black room, I steel myself against my heartbreak. This will not happen again. Gage Maher will never get another one of my tears.
Chapter 32
Gage
“What the fuck?” Nathan’s voice carries down the hallway, followed by a series of loud scrapes and bangs.
A moment of silence follows, but it’s broken by Karis’s frantic shout of my name. Glass crunches under their feet as they move throughout my apartment.
“Come on, you asshole. Fucking talk to me,” she calls out as her shadowy form passes in front of the doorway.
I’m a spineless cunt for not answering her, especially when I know exactly what moment is replaying in her head. I can’t, though. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t think I’m physically capable. My body is a lead weight, so heavy I can’t even lift my head.
“Fuck. Morgan, go check Cutter’s, and Nathan can hit Double Teep. I’ll head out to the botanical gardens, but if he isn’t there—” Her voice catches in a way that’s unlike her. “Fuck, we won’t cross that bridge until we get there, yeah?”
More shadows dance over the threshold. So close, but too far to notice me tucked away behind the shower curtain. I’m tooexhausted to question how I ended up in the bathtub in the first place. At least I’m still clothed and not completely soaked through.
The flurry of motion outside continues, but the world is spinning too much for me to keep track of it all. The door opens and closes more times than I can count, and I let out a sigh of relief as I’m alone once again.
Loneliness is the only thing I deserve.
My body sags, and my fingers loosen their grip on the bottle.
Huh, I don’t remember having that two minutes ago.
The empty glass falls to the linoleum tile with a crash but doesn’t shatter as it hits the ground and rolls away.
“Gage?” Karis calls out.
Looks like I’m not so alone after all.
The shadow makes a reappearance in the doorframe and freezes. My friend sucks in a deep breath and mutters “Please don’t be dead” as she flips on the light.
Its brightness shoots through my head like an ice pick, and I flinch away with a groan.
“Thank God,” she breathes, and rushes over to my side, pulling the curtain open more than the small crack that let me see out.
Towering over me, she assesses my state with worried eyes. From the stinging on my arms and feet, I’m probably cut to shit, but nothing feels particularly deep or intentional.
