Page 30 of Coming Home
‘Well as long as you are sure. I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said, about your feelings for your other young man and your fiancé and I suppose it reminded me of something that happened to me a long time ago, before you were born.’
Leonora’s interest was piqued and, aware of how private and shy Sam was, she turned her body slightly to face him, guarding her words and hopefully putting him at ease as she lowered her voice. ‘Really… were you in love with someone else too?’
Sam nodded and his eyes had a faraway look, sad too. ‘Yes, and that’s what I wanted to tell you because I feel that even though they are decades apart, our situations are similar but I handled things very badly, so perhaps you may be able to avoid making the same mistake.’
‘I see. So do you regret what you did, is that it?’
‘No, I don’t regret falling in love but I do regret not being honest and had I been braver, then maybe I wouldn’t have hurt my wife as badly as I did. Had I the courage to sit her down and explain, tried to make her understand then there’s a chance we could have worked things out, at least remained friends.’
Leonora’s heart went out to him, touched that he cared enough to share his past so she reached out and placed her hand on his arm. ‘Does it still bother you, that you hurt your wife?’
‘Yes, it does because I hurt other people, too. It was like the pain I caused spread and once the news got out, gossipmongers had a field day.’
‘Oh, I can imagine the gossip but I’m not too worried about that. I’m more nervous of how Caspar will react because he has connections to our family business. I honestly think if it wasn’t for that and the time of year I’d have told him by now. In fact, I know I would. I can’t bear the thought of him being there over Christmas, getting on my nerves and then he will be in all the flipping photos forever and my memory of us being together will be ruined, looking at his stupid face.’ Leonora’s foot began to tap which always happened when she was annoyed.
‘The thing is, Leo, what concerns me more than photographs is that the longer your affair goes on, the more you deceive those around you. Then when the truth comes out the harder it is for everyone to comprehend and unfortunately, our good intentions no matter how misguided, can be misconstrued. I wouldn’t want that for you, to be judged unfairly because from our chats and watching you around here with your colleagues, I’ve learned that you are a good person, Leo. Subterfuge isn’t your forte and I sense that the deceit weighs heavy. It’s a huge burden to bear.’
There it was again, Leonora could feel that tangible connection, two strangers with a common bond and she wondered if they had been meant to meet. ‘You are so right. I have been sneaking around for a month, ever since me and Joel got back together and I hate it. And in a weird way it’s making me despise Caspar more.
‘It’s as though I’m seeing him through different eyes and all the things that have always been there, stuff that I chose to ignore or put up with are blinding me now. I sometimes think he’s suffocating me with his controlling ways and it makes me a bit panicky to imagine what he would be like if we got married, and I can assure you that is not going to happen.’
Sam patted her hand that still lay on his free arm. ‘And the more you lie and avoid the inevitable the worse these feelings will get because deep down, it’s not who you are or how you want to behave. Believe me, I know.’
It was such a relief, to talk to someone who understood at last. ‘Everything you say is true. I’m sure you can imagine the lies I have told so that I can steal some time with Joel. Like this morning for instance, getting up at stupid o’clock so we could meet in a lay-by and share breakfast in his car before I came to work. Then I worry that Joel might be wondering if I can do this to Caspar, could I do it to him. Even though he swears he doesn’t, it’s there at the back of my mind that I’m a cheat, and there’s no getting away from that. And I’m so knackered mentally, being careful not to slip up, and physically too, after swapping so many night shifts so I don’t have to stay over at Caspar’s. If it hadn’t been for him going on a business trip for a week I swear I’d have gone mad but I’m pushing my luck now.’
Sam fell into thought for a moment, then asked a pertinent question. ‘So Joel is definitely the one? Someone worth all this torment because you have to make sure that you’re seeing things clearly. Not so besotted that it clouds your vision.’
‘Definitely.’ Leonora’s response was firm and she believed it totally. ‘We were in love before he left to work overseas and it was a huge mistake, us splitting up, and I was definitely on the rebound when I met Caspar, who with hindsight has railroaded me from the beginning. That really pisses me off more than anything. I should have listened to my gran. She didn’t mince her words and had plenty to say about him I can tell you. She said he could get where water couldn’t; oh, and his eyes were too close together, amongst many other things.’
Sam chuckled. ‘She sounds like a real character and seemed to have been on the money where Caspar is concerned. So, we have established that you aren’t wearing rose-coloured glasses and that with or without Joel in your life you wouldn’t want to marry Caspar, which only leaves one question remaining.’
‘Do I have my passport on standby so I can leave the country? Yes I do!’
At that Sam laughed, then became serious. ‘Actually, I was going to ask who is more important to you, your family or Caspar?’
Leonora knew the answer immediately. ‘My family always come first. And as much as Caspar isn’t my favourite person I don’t want to upset him but there’s no way round that I suppose. I’m just going to have to suck it up, unless you have a better idea.’
‘If I could go back in time I would do everything differently. I would have never married my wife for a start. We were so young, in our teens and she didn’t deserve what I did. I wish I’d told the truth, set her free and, in the long run, myself.’
‘Kind of like me and Caspar then, but it’s not easy, is it?’
Sam shook his head. ‘At the time, it seemed like such a terrible problem that it overwhelmed me. I thought it was the end of the world, unsolvable, a prison sentence. What I didn’t understand is that in the grand scheme of my life, that it was really a small blip and something that I would look back on as a tiny period, a segment. Terrible and upsetting, but it didn’t last forever and as I said, if I’d done things differently it would be easier to bear now, many years later.’
‘I get it, I really do because that’s how I feel. That this massive thing is taking over my life and it’s ridiculous. I can make it stop like that.’ She clicked her fingers. ‘And that’s what I’m going to do. Sod waiting. I need to tell him soon, today. Yep, I’m going to do it today, after work.’
Turning his head Sam checked the clock on the wall behind them. ‘Looks like I’m out of time so I’d better go but you know where to find me if you need to talk more. Please understand that I’m not trying to interfere, or sway you. It was simply a feeling I had that I should say something and I hope you forgive this old fool if I make matters worse.’
‘Hey, you are not an old fool and I feel blessed that we met, I really do because you have eased my mind, I swear.’ Leonora removed her hand from his arm to allow him to stand, resisting the urge to hug him, suspecting it would be one gesture too far for her shy confidante.
‘I’ll see you next week then. I hope it goes well, Leo, I’ll be thinking of you over the weekend.’ Sam seemed to hesitate but said no more and after a nod, he turned towards the door.
For a second she thought he was going to give her his phone number, and she considered offering hers so she might let him know. But the opportunity was lost and as the door closed, she turned her thoughts to Caspar. Delving into her trouser pocket she pulled out her phone and began to type him a message, asking to meet up after work. She’d made up her mind and it was time to do what Sam hadn’t done all those years before: the right thing.
15
Carmen
Appleton Farm, Cheshire
