Page 90 of The Primary Pest
It turned out Dmytro didn’t want to make this easy for either of them after all. Ajax would have to say the wordsI don’t feel how I didandI didn’t mean what I saidout loud, to his face, even if he had to drag them out of him one word at a time.
“Well, yeah. Once I have a place. That could take a while.”’
Or maybe not.
“Then I guess I’ll wait to hear from you.” He turned the television back on. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“Why are you acting like this? Like everything I do is wrong all of a sudden and you can’t wait to be rid of me.”
“Me?”
“I get that I’m young.” He gripped the railing on Dmytro’s bed. “I get I can be kind of a pain in the ass, and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. That you’ve already got a family and I’m trying to put mine back together. I’m not even trying to wedge myself into yours. I waited until you had time to—”
“Wait. You thought I didn’t want to see you?”
“Not really.” Something flickered in Ajax’s gaze before it slid away. “I just… I figured you’d want time to reassure your girls. They’re awesome, by the way. And Liv seems nice. Uncle Zhenya totally digs her, you know that, right? I wish she’d get a clue. It’s excruciating.”
“No. Go back. Tell me why you didn’t come to see me as soon as they let you out?”
“You know how I am.” Ajax glanced at his hands. “I’d try to hog all your time. And I didn’t need you as much as they did just then. They were so worried about you.”
Dmytro let his head fall on the pillow. “Youidiot.”
“I beg your pardon?” One perfectly shaped eyebrow lifted.
All the resentment fell from Dmytro’s heart. He couldn’t be bothered. “Come here and let me hug my boyfriend.”
“Who? Me?” Ajax mimed glancing behind himself and then pointing to his chest.
“Come here.”
Ajax smiled as he sat on the side of the bed. “Hello.”
“I’ve waited too long for this.” Dmytro slipped a hand around his neck and pulled him down. Their slow, languid kiss was homecoming. Warmth and sweetness. Dmytro splayed his palm over Ajax’s neck to hold him close. After a long moment, he pressed his forehead to Ajax’s. Breathed his air. “I missed you so much, little mink.”
“Me too,” Ajax whispered. “I wanted to come. I just—”
“I thought you had doubts. Or you didn’t want me anymore. That your sanity returned, and you realized I am an old man and not worth your time.”
“And I thought you probably only said the things you did to keep me from losing hope. ‘Chin up, sonny’ and ‘look on the bright side.’”
“It’s clear you know me not at all.” He couldn’t if he thought Dmytro would sugarcoat anything.
Ajax stretched out and curled into Dmytro’s side—not the first time Dmytro had the pleasure of holding him like that, but it was a revelation nonetheless. They’d only touched like that one time, aboard theCharioteer. Ajax fit perfectly in Dmytro’s arms. Absolutely, exactly right. Dmytro visualized a lifetime holding Ajax just like that. He tilted his head and found Ajax staring up at him.
Dmytro kissed the top of his head. “What?”
“Is this possible?” Ajax asked.
“This thing between us?”
“There’s a lot of noise in the world, isn’t there?” Ajax rubbed cool fingers along Dmytro’s jaw. “There’s all the stuff you think you have to do. Stuff you think you need. And every day, you dig yourself just a little deeper into a rut you don’t even like. Everything you do becomes a matter of habit.”
Dmytro nodded. “That’s true.”
“That’s why it’s so shocking when something happens to disrupt all that, like us floating around in the ocean with no observable hope of rescue.”
“It all falls away.” Dmytro saw. He really saw. “And there’s nothing but the certainty of death as a backdrop against which to post all your memories, your trivial desires, your workaday life—”
