Page 37 of The Primary Pest
“Then what?” Dmytro couldn’t stand the haunted look on Ajax’s face just then.
“It helps me redirect my focus. If I can’t get rid of some redundant, obsessive thought, I might stay awake all night worrying. Or I might freeze and be unable to do something important like go to class on a test day or dispute a miscalculated bill.”
“I see.” Dmytro gave the explanation some thought. “You rechannel your focus when you become anxious.”
“Exactly. When my thoughts get paralyzing, that’s when the compulsions start. And I hate going down that road, so I pick something harmless. Counting. Reciting formulas. Old habits.”
Dmytro lowered his eyes. “What are you thinking now?”
“Pi,” Ajax admitted. “I imagine the decimals jumping over a fence in a field like sheep.”
“Before that,” Dmytro asked. “What made you start tapping?”
“I was… remembering Anton.”
“Me too.” Dmytro gave a soft nod and let his hands go. “Talk to me. Tell me what you remember.”
“When I was little, he piggybacked me all over the gardens like he was my personal horse.” Ajax shifted against the seat. “Once, I overheard my mom say he and Katya wanted children, but the universe seemed to be making other plans.”
“Oh.” Dmytro’s stomach dropped. “I always wondered.”
“They seemed happy to me,” Ajax offered, “but what do kids know?”
“A lot.” Dmytro pulled out his phone and held it between his hands. His daughters’ picture lit up his home screen, but he didn’t actually look at it. As though he could feel their light, their warmth, through his fingertips, he smiled. “Kids always know more than their parents are willing to share. They can read the atmosphere of a home, and no matter what you try to tell them… Perhaps they see into your heart until they grow older—”
“And learn to doubt their instincts.” Ajax nodded “Since one or both of my parents missed my entire childhood, I’m not sure my experience counts.”
“That’s no good.” Dmytro glanced up and their eyes met. He was probably wearing his heart on his sleeve, but Ajax had touched on his deepest fears. “I keep in touch with my daughters every single day. We text or video chat at least three times a day. I hope they—”
“My parents wanted to be there for me.” Ajax licked his lips. “But they had super important jobs. Someone had to take one for the team. It wasn’t always me. Plus, they left me in excellent hands. I’m not messed up by it or anything.” He gave a nervous laugh. “Well, I am messed up, but not by them.”
“I hate being an absentee father. I worry constantly.” Dmytro gave Ajax’s back another awkward pat. “After my wife died, I faced the dilemma of doing work that only I can do—work I’m good at, which pays extremely well—or staying home with Sasha and Pen and finding some other kind of job. I second-guess my decision every day.”
“Maybe you’ll find another woman you love.”
Dmytro wanted to say it wasn’t possible. He’d tried. He couldn’t stop himself from comparing every other woman to Yulia. He felt disloyal even thinking about it now. He wished he could break the ice surrounding his heart, but it seemed he was a one-woman man.
Ajax glanced shyly at him and then down at his hands. Dmytro was suddenly embarrassed by the whole conversation. It was too intimate in the cramped rear seat of the girl’s car. Too charged with emotion.
“Maybe I’ll look for someone,” he finally lied.
“In the meantime”—Ajax said the words in a rush—“I’m sure your girls know you love them. But I’ll tell you something I was just thinking. There’s an app called SkySafari, and you can put it on your phone and plug in any geographical coordinates. When you and your girls go to bed at night, wherever you are in the world, you can see the same sky. That’d be something, right? Them being able to see the exact stars you’re looking at? The position of the moon? Or you could pick a third place and pretend you’re there together?”
“SkySafari?” Dmytro’s voice thickened.
“It’s a very small world now, you know? You can be anywhere, with anyone, in real time if you’re lucky enough to have the resources. That’s… maybe going to be my new goal. To help kids get the same technical resources I had so they aren’t ever… alone.”
“Because of your parents.”
Ajax nodded. “I wouldn’t trade my parents for anyone, even if they might be thinking about trading me right now.”
“Your parents are only worried about your safety.”
“They’re disappointed too.” Ajax’s fingers started ticking again. “They thought I’d go to grad school and make a name for myself.”
Dmytro suppressed a grin. “You got things half right. Tell me about that.”
“About what?”
