Page 44 of A Reluctant Boy Toy
“What, guys or girls?”
“Either. Obviously you kissed your wife and more. You had three kids.”
“I loved her.” He shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t look at other women and think, oh, I’d like to fuck them. I didn’t look at their racks or their butts and wonder what it’d be like to be with them. Because of that, the guys thought I had to be queer, but I never looked at a guy and had those feelings either. I think I’m probably just a cold guy or whatever.”
“Well, sexuality is a spectrum,” I said carefully. “I couldn’t begin to tell you all the varieties of sexual and romantic relationships there are, but the point is, they’re all perfectly normal. Wait. That’s not what I mean, because that’s like inviting the word abnormal to the party. And between consenting adults…Shoot. I’m so bad at this. But you know who could tell you?”
“I’ll bet you’re going to say Molly.”
“She’s wicked smart about that stuff and not the least embarrassed to talk about it. Ask me how I know. Wait. Better you don’t.” I didn’t want to talk about sex with Stone. I had an agenda and ulterior motives—I wanted him to be bi. I wanted him to look down at me and say,how come I never noticed how sexy you are?Probably wasn’t happening though. He as much as said he wasn’t attracted to anyone. “I guess my point is, if you loved someone, and had a relationship that included sex, and it made you happy, then that’s great. Don’t let other people tell you how to behave or think or feel about sex. It’s entirely individual.”
“Thank you.”
“And also,” I held up a finger that wavered drunkenly in front of his face. “Remember Hades and Persephone. Not everything is about sex. Find your soulmate and live happily ever after with or without it.”
“Thank you, oh wise one. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.” We stopped walking when the porch light outside my RV came into view.
“I had a great time,” I said.
“Me too.” He gave a jerk of his chin before leaning forward and lifting his hand. For a moment—a split second—I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he gently brushed my hair behind my ear.
With a soft smile, he said, “Sweet dreams.”
Then he turned and led the dogs into the trees.
I breathed a sigh of disappointment and longing and maybe even a little resentment that this man—this absolutely perfect man—was the one guy in a thousand, gay and straight, who wouldn’t take what was so obviously on offer, even drunk off his ass.
As far as I could tell, I hadn’t lost myit-boyfactor.
Or had I?
Chapter Eleven
Stone
I kneweveryone's sexuality was on a spectrum somewhere, but I’d shied away from thinking about mine. I thought I’d have a conversation with my kids about sex someday—about their friends, or if they told me they were gay, or bi, or transitioning—and I would remind them that my entire plan for the sexuality of the next generation was to stuff my fingers in my ears and sing.
I knew who I was.
I thought I did anyway.
But I wondered now, was my lack of interest in chasing women—or men, I guessed—simply because I wasn’t wired for romance or sex?
I didn’tfeelabnormal, even when all the guys in my unit practically drooled over every woman they saw, and I felt nothing.
I didn’t feelqueerwhen they hinted that I must be gay.
I’d deployed with some of the best-looking, fittest men in the world, and I’d looked, really looked at their bodies, and I felt nothing for them either.
I had been in love with my wife, and I wanted her. I thought of Serena when I rubbed one out, for God’s sake. That didn’t make me weird. That made me loyal.
Didn’t it?
I found true love at twelve and never deviated from that path. How could anyone ever take her place? What did I feel now that Serena and I lived apart? Now that she’d gotten married to another man? Hurt, for sure. Isolated. Angry. Incompetent.
But that didn’t mean I could just go out and replace her.
I still had a sex drive. I found time to jerk off in the shower, or late at night, or whenever I felt like it, actually. Sex was pure pleasure. What I couldn’t be bothered with was people.
