Page 93 of A Flighty Fake Boyfriend
“I never meant for you to think that we could…thatIwas looking for more than that. I hope you can forgive me someday.”
“Don’t lie to yourself and don’t lie to me.”
“I probably have lied to you,” I admitted. “I’m probably lying to myself right now. But things are what they are. Trying to make this thing between us last would only lead to unhappiness and regret later on.”
“Fine.” He swallowed hard. “I’ll go to my parents without your support then.”
“I think that’s for the best.”
“And I have work after. I’m closing late. I’ll be exhausted between my parents and work, and…I might just want to sleep at my place tonight.”
“That’s fine.” My heart sank because Epic saw what I was trying to hide. He had grown on me. I liked him. Iwantedhim—wanted to see where this would go between us. But the panic that had flared inside me when I was face to face with his parents… The guilt I experienced when his mother had asked what I needed from a twenty-three-year old caught me in all the raw places left behind from my work with exploited people, and I just couldn't give him this.
This was it. I knew it. If I didn’t make an effort, meet him halfway, tell him I would try to make things work between us, I would not see Epic again.
“Call me and let me know what you want to do in the next couple days.”
“Sure.” He didn’t sound as if he meant it.
“I’ll be here until Friday around noon.”
“Good.” He squared his shoulders. “I’ll just go get dressed.”
* * *
I gaveEpic a ride because he had all the beach things to take with him. It didn’t escape my notice that he took his clothes and toiletries and pool float too.
“Taking everything?” I wanted him to say it.
“Nothing’s clean. I need to do laundry.” He refused to meet my gaze.
The bittersweet kiss he gave me after he finally got everything out of the car broke my heart. He imbued it with everything that made him Epic—all the emotion, all the joy, all the nurture, and empathy, and kindness he had to give.
He made all the right noises when he left. Smiled cheerfully. Tried not to make me feel like a monster. But our sorrow had a flavor—the metallic taste of my fear mixed in with sick-making salty tears neither one of us acknowledged.
Everything had gone wrong. I shouldn't have walked away, and I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself—couldn’t make myself choose Epic when I knew the consequences could harm us both.
“I had the best time.” Epic kissed my cheek. “Thank you for everything.”
“Thank you.”I love you. Love you, love you, love you.
I was a fool to think I could walk away from Epic undamaged.
Like always, my heart tore itself into pieces because I wanted impossible things.
* * *
I worked through dinner,which was not unusual for me. Later, I walked to a corner market for cup noodles and booze. I eyed the cigarettes for a minute. Had I really decided to quit smoking? Epic wouldn’t be around to give me a hard time about it if I didn’t…
Two things decided me. First, they didn’t have Luis’s expensive European brand—of course they didn’t. Second, I was over everythingLuis. Epic was right about why I’d started smoking in the first place. It had been a way to hold on to Luis after he left. An invisible kiss.
“Give me some nicotine gum as well, please,” I told the cashier.
She showed me a couple brands, and I picked one at random.
I took my bag back to the rental where I ate salty noodles, drank whiskey, and got my nicotine fix.
Seems like old times.
