Page 98 of A Much Younger Man
Chapter Twenty-Three
I wasn’tready to talk to my mother about Beck.
So, obviously, she would not let it go.
“Out of all the men you’ve dated, that’s what you want?” she asked. “Ahomelessboy half your age?”
My head was killing me. “I hear what you’re saying.”
“You have no right to start anything with someone in his situation. You know that. I know you know that. Despite what you’re telling yourself, he has no choice.”
“You don’t know him.”
“I know consent is a lot more than age, and so do you if you’d take a single moment to think about it.”
“Mother, what are you trying to say? That I—” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t believe she’d even imply it. “That what I have with Beck isn’t consensual?”
“Oh, I’m sure it was.” She softened. “I know he believes it was. I knowyou.”
“Well, thanks for that.”
“My point is someone like Beck needs protection without strings attached. He’s confusing kindness, which it doesn’t seem like he’s had a lot of, with love. Bringing sex into that equation was wrong, sweetheart. You’re old enough, wise enough, to know that.”
I wanted to argue that I felt a hell of a lot more than kindness. That I’d fallen for Beck. I wasn’tusinghim. I was in love with him. But my doubts were too close to the surface. My mother’s voice was so much like the voice in my own head. When she said I had to protect Beck by keeping him at arm’s length, it was nothing more than I’d been telling myself since I’d met him.
I don’t do relationships.
I’m awful at anything long-term.
I would never forgive myself if I couldn’t give Beck what he needed, and how could I? I’d never been enough foranyone.I didn’t want to break Beck’s heart. It would be far worse than losing Nick. Beck made me see myself in a whole new light. He made me feel things I’d never felt with anyone. Losing Nick had been painful, but it was inevitable. If I hurt Beck in any way, I would lose myself—at least the dominant, nurturing part of me I was just beginning to acknowledge—along with him.
“I never meant for any of this to happen,” I told my mother.
“Of course you didn’t.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.”
“I know, sweetheart.” She brushed my hair back. “You have a good heart.”
I thought I did, but it was breaking.
“What should I do, though? He’s going to be so hurt.”
“Talk to him, baby. Explain that you’re still there for him. Let him know that even if a relationship between the two of you isn’t in his best interest, you still have his best interest at heart.”
“He’s never going to listen to anything I have to say again.”
“He said he’s living at Cooper and Shawn’s place, so he has them if he chooses to go down an angry path for a while. If you’re truly friends and not just”—she lifted her hands—“you know, he’ll come around.”
“I feel so ashamed.” I lifted my glass and took a large swallow. “I knew better than to get involved with him like that, but there’s just something so wonderful about him. If you only knew. He’s bright, and he’s funny. So smart. And he’s a musical genius. He lights up a room when he walks in, but he’s down to earth too. He’s so kind. That’s what I like best. He’s genuinely kind.”
“He’s very sweet,” she agreed. “Of course you were drawn to him. He’s very much like you when you were his age.”
“Why couldn’t I have met someone like him then?”
“You wouldn’t have known what to do with him back then,” she said. “You didn’t know what your future held any more than he does. You were too young to know what you wanted, much less what you’d want forever.”
“No. He’s light-years ahead of where I was back then.”
