Page 80 of A Much Younger Man
“You’ll always be safe with me. I promise.”
I didn’t know how I’d keep a promise like that, but it didn’t seem to matter. Whatever Beck needed, whatever I had to do to make sure he never wound up homeless and scared again, I’d do it without any hesitation at all.
We exchanged salty kisses. He tasted of desperation and hope. He seemed relieved. Boneless, like melted wax in my arms. What I felt for him was so different and so much more than I’d ever felt for anyone, but I still couldn’t make the idea of “love” a reality in my brain.
Or the idea of there ever being an “us.”
He was too young. I was too settled. We came from different places in our lives, and it couldn’t work. Wouldn’t work. I didn’t have time for someone in my life. I worked long hours and traveled often. I’d be as disappointing to Beck as I’d been to all my other lovers.
There would be another bitter breakup—another infamous Post-it note goodbye that went unnoticed for several days.
Sooner or later he’d meet someone his age, and the two of them would have their whole lives ahead of them, and I’d be happy for him. Pleased that he found someone who could give him what I had never been able to give anyone.
But what if it didn’t have to be like that? What if I was wrong?
* * *
The water wentfrom hot to lukewarm. We emerged from the shower clean and quiet. I dried him off, and he went to raid my closet for something to sleep in while I saw to myself.
From the bathroom door, I watched him slip into a pair of my boxers and a well-worn UCSD T-shirt. He turned to me with a tremulous smile.
“This shirt smells like you.” He smoothed the fabric down his body.
“I have a fresh toothbrush if you want it.”
“Thank you.” He came back to the bathroom, and we brushed our teeth side by side. After, he asked, “Can I keep this here?”
“If you want.” Why didn’t that set off my proximity alarms? Beck had gotten so far under my skin. Too far.
“Your brain just melted, didn’t it?” he asked.
“Little bit.” I showed him how much with my thumb and forefinger. “No one’s ever kept a toothbrush here before.”
“I’m the first?” His eyes lit, and he seemed delighted by the new discovery.
“The first in this house. I’m not sure how it makes me feel.”
“You’re too serious.” He chivvied me toward the bed. “Loosen up a little, Lindy.”
“Beck—”
“No. Don’t think so hard. Just feel.”
“But—”
“Come here and stop talking.” He pushed me down and lay beside me. “Just be here with me.”
He drew me into kisses that were sweet and hot and silly at the same time. He smiled against my lips and teased with his callused fingers and moaned when I touched him just right.
I took a good long time preparing him for my cock, and when I entered him, he wrapped his arms and legs around me and told me to make it last.
I moved deliberately, slowly, inside him until he came apart beneath me. I lost control when it was my turn. After, I was gentle pulling out. I felt like the only person in the world who knew Beck’s value and cherished him. Obliquely, I understood what it meant to be that guy, and I desperately wanted to take on the responsibility.
“Okay?” I asked when I came back with a damp cloth.
“Of course.” He folded his arms behind his head and gazed up at me while I cleaned his skin. When I was done, I lay down beside him. He rolled over and laid his head on my chest.
“Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around him.
“My pleasure.” He tilted his chin up and kissed my jaw.
I lay awake in the darkness, long after he fell asleep.
Was this really happening? Could this be real?
I wished I had answers before sleep claimed me, but as always, Beck became more and more complicated as I tried to make sense of him. One thing was for certain. I had no intention of letting him walk away until I figured out what it was about him, specifically, I couldn’t get enough of.
But things weren’t any clearer when I woke.
