Page 77 of A Much Younger Man
“You really think so?” The little shit licked his lips.
“I hope I’m not taking advantage the way some men would.”
“You think I can’t spot them a mile away?”
“Yes, you probably can. But if you were with someone your own age, you could explore new experiences together. If you go back to school, there will be new friends and parties with people who understand what you’re talking about when it comes to music and—”
“You really believe all that, don’t you?”
“I do. Why not? I had boyfriends in college. I’m still friends with some of them.”
He frowned. “Do you think I haven’t had that opportunity?”
“You said you have. But honestly, hasn’t your recent life been more about survival? Wasn’t Tug about survival?”
“Tug was a mistake.”
“He took advantage of your inexperience.”
“No, he stole my shit. We took advantage of each other for other things.”
I put the fork down. “I don’t understand.”
“Oh, I really think you do,” he said ominously.
Nerves made my skin tingle. “Tell me what you mean by that.”
“Tug liked looking after me. He dug it. I was his boy, right? And he took care of me.”
Was he saying…“I thought you said it wasn’t sexual between you.”
“It doesn’t have to be sexual. That’s not what me and him were about.” As he ran the fingers of both hands through his windblown hair, the little beads on his leather bracelets jingled. “He wanted someone to take care of, and I wanted someone to take care of me. It’s not rocket science.”
The memory of Beck eating from Tug’s filthy hands was enough to make me sick with jealousy. I tried rejecting the emotions as irrational, but my stomach clenched with rage each time I thought about it.
“So when he got food for you…?”When he fed you like I do…
“He dug it, same as you.” Beck’s gaze fell to my hands. “I like when it’s you better.”
I placed my elbows on the counter and hid my face. “Why is that?”
“Because with you it’s not about being in charge as much as it’s about kindness. You’re a very nice person.”
“I’m really not.” I had to move away from him, from this idea that I was kind when really I fed him because it lit me on fire.
I watched the freshening breeze whip the ornamental grasses outside the front window while Beck went into the kitchen and puttered. I heard the refrigerator open and close. I heard the water run, and then there was silence.
“This is really freaking you out, isn’t it?” he asked from right beside me, even though I hadn’t heard him walk up.
In my mind, the words, “I wanted someone to take care of me,” played over and over on a loop, along with the thought,it could be me. I could take care of you. I would love that.This couldn’t be right. I’d feel horrible if I simply absorbed the life of a much younger man who had nothing but the clothing on his back, a guitar, and a dog.
Didn’t he understand? For a man who really wanted to take advantage, he’d be utterly disposable. Easily replaced by the next needy young man to come along. He might think he had all the power, but he only held the winning cards until someone got tired of him, or he grew older, or—
What Beck was talking about seemed nothing like love.
If I knew anything, it was that Beck deserved to be loved.
Troubled, I picked up my guitar and asked, “Shall we start the lesson?”
He opened his mouth to say something but then shut it again. “Spiders.” He sat down on the coffee table opposite while Callie settled comfortably by his side. I couldn’t look at him. I did my finger exercises, concentrating harder than I ever had before.
I wasn’t his worst option if he wanted someone to take care of him. But I was a poor substitute for what he really needed, what he deserved. The question became could I be stronger than my desire for him? Could I be there for him, care for him as he wanted me to, and keep myself from taking what he offered as some kind of payment in return?
I hoped so with all my heart, because if I couldn’t, it could destroy us both.
