Page 113 of A Much Younger Man
Oh my God, how had I never noticedpianistsounded almost exactly likepenis?
“The guitar adds a whole new level of danger to courtship.” I strummed a few chords, certain it was completely out of tune but unable to fix it without asking Beck for his wonderful ears.
“My dad’s one of the smartest guys I know. So’s Beck. They both told me I could make choices that make me happy, and…I really hope they’re right.”
I strummed and hummed and generally girded my loins to make the biggest fool of myself. Beck stepped toward me with Callie by his side. He still had his phone in his hand. Was he videoing this? Oh, shoot. I was going into the permanent record with this little display.
I tried to straighten my spine and nearly fell off my perch.
“Wait—Okay. So. My dad reminded me that when you have feelings for somebodyyoucan’t start looking at the odds of whether it’s going to work out.”
I strummed again, and because my incessant babbling both put off having to play and gave me something to do besides wallow, it relaxed me.
“I mean between uncommitted, consensual adults, though, because anything else is…pretty problematic.”
Maybe I needed some kind of legal disclaimer? Where was I?
“Wait.Yes.Because no matter how perfect you think things are, you’re never guaranteed a happy ending.” Oh fuck. I saidhappy ending. “Life isn’t a sure thing. Love is a gamble. I want to be the guy who just puts his heart out there. I want to be absolutely transparent because my feelings are real and they’re true, and whatever happens, happens.”
Behind his phone, Beck said, “Is that so?”
“Damn right.” I fiddled with the guitar as if I knew what I was doing and started “If I Fell” by the Beatles. No other song captured what I was starting to think of as the bargaining phase of love:Is it safe to give you my heart? What will happen? Will you love me back? Will you betray me?
Is our new love—as the Beatles so feverishly sang—in vain?
It took meeting Beck and listening to my Dad to make me see that it was okay to love someone without worrying about what happens after. And I did love Beck. So I sang.
It’s a proven fact that my voice carries.
More porch lights came on after that. Most people seemed to think my caterwauling was of the lovable variety. No one threw a shoe, anyway.
Beck filmed the whole ordeal, and a couple of times, Rico put in his two cents—saying, “Boop,” and “Who’s a pretty boy,” and once, everybody’s all time fave: “You ruin everything!”
I had not ruined this. I saw warmth in Beck’s eyes. Heat in the way he took his plump lower lip between his teeth. He blushed visibly even under the weird glow of a streetlight, hands shaking as he captured my song.
I trailed off, and there was silence once more.
“So. That’s pretty much all I came here to say.”
After the initialbang,I’d finished with a bit of a whimper.
“If you—” Beck began at the same time I said, “When you—”
He tilted his head. “You go first.”
“If you want to talk about this sometime, my door is always open.”
“Now.” Beck jammed his hands into his jeans pockets. “I want to talk about it now.”
I turned away to hide my smile. “Okay. Let’s go.”
Beck got his things and added them to the wagon. I waved at Cooper and Shawn, who were still trying to give me the stink-eye. Shawn wasn’t really that good at it because he hid a smile too.
“Sorry I woke you,” I said, addressing everyone still watching.
Some people drifted back inside their homes. Some applauded. I bet the dividing line there was between people who had pets and people who didn’t.
“Come on, Captain Romance.” Beck chuckled as he tugged my sleeve.
