Page 135 of My Cowboy Freedom
At one time, I’d had an enormous boner for him.
“Imagine Dad picking me up in a U-Haul. Or Mom.”
That earned another smile. For Jackson, that was almost hysterics.
“C’mon.” He turned away.
I remembered other trips we’d taken together. Jackson, carrying my Star Wars pilot case. Jackson, buying puzzles to keep me occupied. Jackson, backstage during a conference, keeping me and my brothers quiet while my father showed off our “beautiful family culture” to his congregation and—through cable television—the world at large.
“I’m gay, Jackson.” I stopped walking on the way to the SUV. “You know that, right?”
His shoulders tightened before he turned, as if he’d been bracing himself for this conversation for a while.
“I know you believe that,” he said.
“Like you believe you’re straight. How do you think it’d go if I tried to tell you otherwise?”
“We aren’t talking about me.” He’d always toed the party line. Right on cue, he said, “Your confusion is because of the accident.”
“Bullshit.” Silence fell all around us. All those years of being a nice boy, a silent, go-along-to-get-along McLean swept away with one word.
Fuck that.
Since I’d gotten Maisy, anonymity was no longer an option anyway.
I didn’t lower my voice but I didn’t raise it either. “I knew I was gay at eight.”
“All kids—”
“I’m gay,” I said again. “Did my older brothers come on to you like I did?”
He winced because,yeah.Not my finest hour.
He took hold of my shirt and pushed me and Maisy out of the flow of traffic. Once he unlocked the car, I put my bags in back and got in.
“Do you even remember it?” I asked. “All those clumsy attempts to get your attention?”
“Thatwas you being an entitled monster. And you know what? Fuck you.Christ.” He backed away, hands up. “If you think I have something worth trying to hide, then—”
“What about that kiss?”
He paled.
“Oh relax. I handed you a classic case of sexual harassment. You should have sued. You deserve it after all you put up with.”
“I don’t have time for this.” He turned away. I closed the passenger door.
Maisy and I waited for him to get back in the car. Predictably, eventually, he did.
“So it’s all water under the bridge now?” I asked.
Because I didn’t think he ever forgave me for trying to kiss him. We’d pretended I had been drinking. That the clumsy pass I made was only a joke.
It wasn’t long after that I had my accident.
“My parents think lightning turned me gay. That my unsanctioned desires are the result of bad wiring or some shit. But you know better. I was a gay entitled monster before I got hit by lighting and things haven’t changed all that much.”
He snorted. Backed out of the parking space, and turned, edging out of the lot and onto the damp street again.
