Page 41 of Don't Bite The Boss
“Pru,” I speak quietly, as though I’m crooning to a spooked horse, “where are you?”
“I’m at home,” she says calmly, “I, I have a gun, with a silver bullet. It won’t even hurt, I don’t think.”
“Tell me, tell me now,” I say, still quietly, my heart in my mouth.
“I was in the woods,” she whispers, “calling Orson. He ran away when he heard he was going to be put into a pet hotel for a week, he is so smart. But I knew where he would go, so I went to the woods, down by the stream where he likes to dig in the mud, and I saw, I saw.”
She stops and begins to cry.
“Tess, what did you see?”
“A man,” she whispers, “and he smelled. He smelled...”
“Irresistible,” I supply for her.
“Yes. So, you see, you see what I have to do.”
“No, I most certainly fucking do not, Tess.”
“Pru, please don’t be angry, say goodbye to the others for me, wait…”
I hear the phone drop, and squealing, it can’t be anything other than Orson, and I almost go mad straining to hear what’s happening.
‘Oh, God, please say she hasn’t done it. No, I didn’t hear a gunshot...’
I push my ear closer to the phone and hear another voice, calm, almost teasing, and then Tess screaming.
“Put him down, put him down now, you horrible, horrible child,” she screeches.
“Tastes just like chicken,” Valerie says, her voice low, threatening. “You put the gun down, and I’ll put the pig down. If you don’t, I’m going to suck this little fucker dry.”
I imagine she’s doing something awful and painful to Orson, because he lets out the most plaintive squeal yet, and mercifully I hear what I think must be the gun, drop. Then sobbing and grunting as the pig is comforted.
“Now,” Valerie says, “enough of this killing yourself bullshit. Any more of that and I’ll eat the prick you found in the forest myself.”
“How?” Tess sobs, “how did you know?”
“I just overheard your conversation, you hippy dipshit. You were supposed to pick me up three days ago, I had to hitch here, and all the way I was thinking you fell down a well or something fucking Tess-like, and instead I find you here whining and threatening to blow your brains out. And you call yourself an adult.”
I hear her steps come closer, and she picks up the phone.
“Is that you, Pru?”
“My God,” I almost sob, “I never thought I’d be happy to hear your voice, Valerie.”
“Yeah, same to you,” she snorts, “obviously Miss No Carbon Footprint and I can’t make it to the wedding. Not that I wanted to go anyways, but I did have a pretty cool dress.”
“Valerie, promise me you will stay there and ensure Tess doesn’t hurt herself. As soon as the wedding is over, I will be there.”
“Only if you work it with Daddy that I can live with Uncle Tristan from now on.”
“Not a fucking chance.”
“Such a pretty, shiny bullet,” she giggles, “I’m sure there are more around here, don’t think I can watch Dipsy here every minute of every day…”
“OK, you win. I’ll sort it.”
“Thought you might,” she quips, sounding like the cat who swallowed the canary.
