Page 7 of My Salvation
CHAPTER 4
KATE
The remainder of my first day passes pretty quickly. Sarah and I work well together and keep things running smoothly and efficiently. After we treat the few remaining patients, she walks me through the layout of the practice, from the patient rooms to the supply room. We’re low on a few items, so I ask her to order more.
She gives me a quick tutorial on the system they use for entering patient info, which I am thankfully familiar with, and finally we review the charts for the patients scheduled for tomorrow. It’s late by the time we finish for the day.
I wearily climb the stairs to my apartment. Although exhausted, I can’t help feeling grateful for it. Busy all day and being surrounded by strangers helped keep away my demons. A minor, but significant, victory against the dark. Now I just want a hot bath, some wine, and a light supper, and hopefully a few hours of sleep before my nightmares start again.
After keying in the codes, I enter the apartment and kick off my shoes. Heading towards the bathroom, I dump in a bit of champagne bubble bath and start filling the tub. Going back into the kitchen, I open a bottle of Malbec, pour a glass, then pad back to the bathroom. The tub is almost full. Setting the glass on the tub, I turn off the water and strip down. Putting my clothes into the laundry basket, I step into the hot water and lay down.
Hmmm, that feels good,I think as my sore muscles relax.
Taking a sip of the wine, my taste buds hum with appreciation, and I make a mental note to take a pic of the label.
Whoever stocked the wine in this apartment has superb taste, I think.
As my body relaxes, my mind drifts over the events of the last couple days. I never would have chosen to travel and work on these two days, but it has been worth it. While my body is sore from both driving and the intense battle of keeping everything at bay, I can’t help feeling victorious for being lucid and sober both days. A miracle. I honestly didn’t think I could make it through this anniversary without numbing myself, but I made it. Not only did I make it, I was functional and productive for the first time in years. A win. My win. Sleep might be scarce, but this win makes me feel as if I might be...or at least mightfeelnormal again someday.
The practice and patients seem wonderful. I really like Sarah and can see us becoming close friends. She operates with professionalism, but also with an empathy and compassion that’s hard to find in some nurses.
I hadn’t let myself get close to anyone since the hospital. Hopefully, I can let my fears go and have faith that she will like me even when she knows the truth about me.
When I think about Lev, not just my hand, but my entire body tingles. It had been so long, I forgot what it felt like to be attracted to someone. Not just physically, although that’s certainly top of mind, I want to know him. Bask in his warmth. I don’t even know if he’s single, but he doesn’t strike me as the sort of man who would flirt if he was taken. When I look at him, words like “honor” and “chivalry” come to mind. Along with loads of laughter and fun.
Maybe it is time to stop letting the past win, I muse.
Getting sleepy, I pull the plug on the tub and get out. Drying off, I reach for my robe and slip it on. Grabbing my empty glass, I stroll into the bedroom to get into my pajamas. It’s cold tonight, so I pull on fuzzy socks, a pair of flannel pants, and a long sleeve T-shirt.
As Lev mentioned, he stocked the kitchen with a few basic essentials. Looking into the fridge and cabinets, I opt to make a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. Cheese always goes with wine, right? While I sit and eat dinner, I use my phone to snap a picture of the wine label so I can pick up some more later.
After dinner, it’s time for bed. I grab my tablet to binge some Netflix, but I don’t last five minutes before I’m asleep.
***
ISIT THERE IN THEfirst pew, staring at the picture of Dr. Collin Kennedy, beloved husband, son, brother and friend. It’s a wonderful picture of him. Smiling and alive. His parents fill the seats next to me, and his sister sits on the other side of them. Both his mother and sister cry delicate tears beneath their beautiful couture, black veils, while his father radiates sadness and quiet disapproval. Collin’s friends, significantly fewer than this time last year, sit scattered behind us.
The eulogies have been said, the hymns sung. All that’s left is for us to go up and visit with him one last time. The procession led by his best friend Mark begins. As they go by, some touch Collin’s arm, others say a few words, but all say their goodbyes. Next, his family goes up, his mom breaking down as she kisses his forehead.
It’s my turn. God, I don’t know if I can do this, but I must, because I need to say goodbye, not just to Collin, but to this period in my life. As I walk up to the casket, memories flash by. How we met, our first date, when he told me he loved me, finishing our medical residencies, our wedding, when he saved my life, when he told me he hated me, when he cheated on me, when he hurt me. All the important and first moments of our lives. I am at the casket, staring down. His face is calm at first, beautiful, just like the start of our life. He looks as if he will sit up and smile at me and tell me it’s all a colossal joke, not to worry, he will always love me. The man of my dreams.
As I stand there, a hole opens up, and blood pours out of his head. His icy blue eyes open and fill with hate. A gruesome smile stretches across his face.
“This is your fault,” he says. “I’m dead because of you. You ruined my life, and I will never let you go.”
I stare at him in horror. There he is...the man of my nightmares. Straightening my spine, I turn and walk away.
He is dead. He is dead. He is dead.I keep repeating it to myself as I walk out of the church and get in the limo...
***
“HE IS DEAD!” I SCREAMas I wake up, heart pounding. Guilt lays thick on my tongue, but relief, too; so much relief. “Thank you, God, he is dead.”
