Page 46 of My Salvation
“Yes.” I am not sure where this is going. He seems restless, almost likes he’s nervous. “Lowell is...” I don’t know how much to reveal about my relationship with Lowell. The lines seem loose and transparent.
“Lowell is? Sweetheart, I want you to talk to me.” His hand raises my chin so I can see he is sincere.
Reaching out for my wine, I take a sip before continuing. “Lowell is very dominate physically, but he can be detached emotionally. I couldn’t tell if he was interested in only the physical, or if he could see more for us.”
Lev searches my eyes for something. “It’s good that you push him for more. He needs to know he can’t remain detached if he wants a relationship. How are you feeling about dating us both? Or being in a relationship with us both?”
“It’s been easier and harder than I thought. I don’t know where the lines are drawn. It’s easy to care about you both, as you connect with different sides of me. It’s hard to think about the future. Why do you think this can work? What do I do if I start to have feelings for someone else?”
Lev stiffens as he hears the last question. “Is there someone else?”
Shifting in my chair, I quietly tell him about my growing feelings for Shaw. “I don’t know what to do. Please don’t get me wrong, he has never shown me anything but friendship, but I have these feelings, and I want you to know about them first. I’m trying to be more transparent with you and Lowell about everything.”
A look of relief crosses his face. “Sweetheart, if you have feelings for Shaw, you need to speak to him about those feelings. From my perspective, and Lowell’s, we love our brothers, and if one of them makes you happy, then that makes me happy.”
“How can you be so sure this won’t blow up in our faces?”
Silently, Lev reaches out and takes a drink of wine. This is the first true sign of nervousness he has displayed tonight. “I don’t. It’s probably my biggest concern. We once fell for a woman. All four of us. She worked in intelligence with Lowell and helped Shaw lead our operations from the control center. All of us became close.”
“All four of you dated someone else? Had a relationship with her?”
His eyes cloud as he thinks back to the past. “Her name was Vanessa. Shaw and Thayer called her Nessa. She brought something to all four of us, although her relationships with Shaw and Thayer were probably the closest. We didn’t set out to date one woman, but given the secrecy demanded for our operations, it was hard to have a relationship outside of the Army at all.”
Jealousy punches me in the stomach as I listen to his story. “What happened?”
“She wanted a political career in D.C. Being in a relationship with four men would have hindered that ambition. Vanessa broke it off, moved to D.C. for a position, got married to one man, and had a baby. She got everything she needed. As for us, we all got out of the Army, moved to Montana, and dealt with the fallout as best as we could. I jumped into helping Shaw build the ranch back up, and then into building my restaurant business. Shaw’s expanded the ranch to about five times the size of what his family had built. Lowell escaped into writing. Thayer...” He pauses as he thinks about Thayer. “In the beginning, he threw himself into every adrenaline-fueled activity he could find, with little regard for his safety. Thankfully, he stopped pushing himself. Until he heard about the baby at Christmas. Even though it had been three years, the baby seemed to flip a switch in him. He started pushing his physical boundaries again. Which is why you’re here now.”
“Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry, Lev, sorry for you all, that you were hurt. I sort of understand why she would take that path, though.”
Lev rears back, a bleak look on his face, as if my last words hit hard. “What?”
“The world can be very cruel. Standing against the norm, whether or not it’s by choice, is an incredibly tough thing to do. Sometimes it’s just a slash of the knife from the words thrown at you, sometimes events occur that bring you to your knees and rip your world apart. I am not sure this relationship is an easy thing to choose.”
“It’s not that I don’t understand.” He takes a deep breath and blows it out as he looks around the restaurant. His hands clench as he works to get his thoughts under control. “I was just hoping for a miracle, I think.”
Confused, my eyes narrow as I try to figure out what he’s thinking. Going through the conversation, I realize he thought I’d make the same decision as Vanessa. Leaving them when the job was finished.
“Lev, I’m not Vanessa.” Laying my hand on one of his clenched hands, I wait until his eyes meet mine again. “While I can completely sympathize with her choices, my life is in a completely different place than hers. My normal was ripped apart. My normal is having people think I am at fault for the murder of thirteen innocent people. Fourteen, if you count David’s father. Since I’ve been here and met all three of you, I’ve realized my normal means I need to grab on to happiness with both hands. I don’t know what the future holds for all of us. I’m worried this will all fall apart. And that’s with just you and Lowell. What happens with me and Shaw? What if Thayer comes home and hates me? This could end very badly for me, too. All these unknowns would have scared me away before, because I wasn’t sure I could take any more hits and survive. Now I have you both, and I don’t feel so alone anymore. All I can do is tell you I want to be in a relationship with you, and with Lowell. I want to put my heart on the line, even though it’s scary as hell.”
Lev’s remains still as he digests my words. His hands unclench so he can lace his fingers with mine. “You’re right. Damn, sweetheart. I’m sorry. The old hurt kind of took me by surprise. I forgot my own words for a second when I spoke about Vanessa. I should have remembered. I want to be your future, not your past. Not my past either. We’ll take it one day at a time.”
Relieved, my tension eases as I lightly stroke his hand. We order dessert and a wine tasting to finish our meal. While we wait for it to arrive, I silently wonder about Vanessa. What was she like? Another woman who fit with these incredible men. Jealousy would be punching me in the stomach, but knowing she walked away, I only feel sadness for them all and happiness for me. For me, they’re like the sun after a storm. Bright, beautiful, and a sign of things to come.
And what about Shaw? Should I talk to him about my feelings? Although Lev suggested I bring it up, I don’t think I will. Given what Lev just told me, Shaw is struggling with the past. If Shaw wants me, he will need to come to me.
***
AFTER OUR SERIOUS DISCUSSIONlast night, Lev and I held each other and slept. We were both worn out from the long day, and last night’s dinner discussion wiped us out emotionally.
Waking up, I leave Lev sleeping and take my coffee to drink on the balcony. The view of the vineyards and mountains nearby is incredible. Peaceful.
I’m enjoying the downtime when I hear a noise behind me. Lev strolls out with a cup of coffee and reaches down to give me a soft kiss on the lips.
“Hmmm, good morning, sweetheart. I could get used to this view every day,” he states, although he doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in the vineyards. Rather, his attention is focused on me.
“Good morning. Totally agree. The views are incredible. Both of them.” I wink at him. “I’m looking forward to the tour and wine tasting today. Aren’t you?” Stretching, I raise my legs to the balcony. The robe slips a bit, getting close to flashing him, but I don’t reach to close it.
He stares at the edges of my robe like he could will it to part. “What time is the tour?”
