Page 66 of Rainwater
Jennifer smiled and it hurt so bad. “The book says that people react to abuse in different ways, Corey. It says that some people abuse substances and others look for what they need in activities. When you lost the rodeo, you did feel like you lost yourself.”
How could she know? How could she understand him so well? “I couldn’t save my mother and sister and when I was gored, I totally lost my balance.”
“And after the goring?” Her words rushed out on a note of understanding.
“Everything came crashing down like a house of cards. After I got gored, I felt like I was starting from square one again. Then the news came. They told me my mother and little sister were dead. I didn’t give a damn about my father.”
“While you were in the hospital?” she prompted.
“Yes,” he whispered. “My father was a drunken bastard. He blamed everything on the Anglos. And every one of his failures he battered into my skin, and my mother’s, and when she had Marigold, hers, as well. I tried to stop him, but I was too young, and then, as I grew older, I saw that she wouldn’t leave. Nomatter how much I pleaded with her. No matter how much money I sent her. She wouldn’t go.”
She touched his face lightly. “What happened?”
“He fell asleep with a lit cigarette and they all died.”
“Oh, God, Corey. I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry. You blame yourself, don’t you?”
“I should have made her go, but she wouldn’t leave him. I failed her and Marigold.”
“No!” she shouted. “You did not fail her. It was your parents’ fault, Corey. They were the ones who failed you. You were their responsibility. They’re the ones at fault. You were a defenseless child in need of love and nurturing. You didn’t get that because they were unable to give it to you. You had no choice.” She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tight, rocking him gently.
The warmth and need he felt for this sweet, delicate woman overwhelmed him, a balm to his battered spirit. “I don’t ever want to let you go. Jennifer, my Jennifer. I don’t ever want to let you go.”
“Don’t then. Ellie and I need you.”
He looked into her eyes. Her words were like silken cords that wrapped around his heart, binding him. She loved him and his heart sang and soared. Yet he knew the truth. He didn’t know what it was like to be normal. That was why it was all a dream. Elusive. Out of reach.
“What made it worse was the silence,” he said after a moment. “I couldn’t talk about what was happening to me. I couldn’t ask my friends why their families were so different. Asking questions would have opened up too many inquiries, and I felt too ashamed to talk about it to anyone,” he said quietly, his voice drifting into a hushed whisper. “I wanted to be normal, Jennifer. I wanted it so desperately.”
He lay his head on her shoulder and she buried her hands in his hair, cupping and kneading his scalp.
“I thought if I could be good enough, it would happen. But there was no turning back for my father. The darkness ate him whole and in the end, the fire took him. I started fighting back at ten. I probably would have landed in jail by sixteen if it wasn’t for the rodeo. I ran away from home and lied about my age. The rodeo saved me, Jennifer. I had money and prestige and no one beat me anymore. I started to send money to my mother. I told her I would support her and Marigold. I even went home when I was eighteen to beg her to leave. Her arm was in a cast and Marigold looked like a zombie. But she wouldn’t go. My father tried to throw me out of the house. I hit him, Jennifer. I hit him so hard I thought I’d killed him. I was in such a rage all I wanted to do was stop him from hurting her. My mother made me leave. She told me never to come back. I never did.”
“Corey.” She grabbed his face and held it between her hands. “You don’t understand, do you? You’ve been a father to Ellie. No one taught you how. You just did it because it comes natural to you.”
The silence stretched as she held him, her hand smoothing through his hair. “I want what I saw in that painting, Corey.”
He shuddered, his whole body trembling as another sob caught in his throat. “Oh, God, Jennifer, don’t.”
“It’s not going to happen, though, is it, Corey?”
“I have unfinished business, Jennifer. I can’t make any promises. I should never have stayed here so long and put you in danger. I’m sorry about that. I can’t stay because I need to go back to the rodeo,” he lied. He wasn’t about to tell her he loved her. The painting had been a dream. Only that. The reality she wanted he couldn’t give her because he couldn’t be sure of himself and he wasn’t going to stay and test that theory.
“Jay was to blame, Corey. Not you. He was the maniac.”
“Do you want me to go now, Jennifer?”
“No. I want you to stay as long as you can. I saw Ellie’s light on. Why don’t you go talk to her? I’ll be in my room when you’re done.”
Ellie saton her bed listlessly trying to do her homework. Her mind was not on the math problems in front of her, but on the trapped feelings of frustration and pain at the loss of Tucker’s friendship. Later, she promised herself. Later she would talk to him about all her fears and the shame she felt when Jay died.
“Ellie?” Corey’s voice broke into her misery and she lifted her head only to see the resignation on his face. He was coming to tell her he was leaving. She could see the knowledge in his eyes, the unhappy slant to his mouth. It hurt, as if she were losing her own father.
“I don’t want you to go,” she said, tears forming in her eyes and running down her cheeks.
Corey made his way over to the bed. He sat on the edge and pulled Ellie into his arms. Holding her tightly, he smoothed his hand over her hair. He let her cry. Great gulping sobs that brought tears to his own eyes.
Ellie, I’m sorry, little darlin’. It’s time that I found out for myself who I am and where I’m going. Do you understand that I wouldn’t be any good to anyone without my own peace of mind?”
