Page 112 of Sour Lollipops and Sweet Nightmares
I ran down the path, pushing my feet faster, hoping that the burn in my calves would calm my mind.
It didn’t. No matter how fast I went, I couldn’t outrun the voice in the back of my head whispering, ‘You’re smarter than that.’
Despite being the product of a teenage pregnancy, I wasn’t the person whose parents worried about the choices they were making. Mom knew where I was every night. I didn’t go to parties or date the wrong guy.
I didn’t date at all. My studies came before everything else. I was the good child every parent wanted. If I made Mom worry about anything, it was missing out on what she deemed as important experiences, like prom.
I was not the girl who got inebriated at a party, then went into a closet with two men. At least, I never used to be that girl.
Then last night happened.
Choices like that were what gave people reputations they didn’t want. Not that I necessarily cared about my reputation, but I did feel like everybody was staring at me.
I ran past a group of three guys and tried to ignore the way they were eyeing me.
Did they know what happened? Was I now that girl? Did Issac tell them? Did Zoe? I wouldn’t put it past her. Zoe was the type of girl who enjoyed tearing others down.
I never should have gone to that frat party. I only did it for Rachel. Because that’s what good friends do. Although one could argue that a good friend would never talk their friend into doing something they were so uncomfortable with. But friendship wasa two-way street, where sometimes compromises had to be made. And panic attack aside, I did actually have some fun.
For a bit, I felt free from the pressures I’d placed on my own shoulders. I wasn’t constantly thinking about my next exam or what I could do for extra credit. Talking to someone else didn’t stress me out at all. There were no expectations to meet or goals to achieve. I wasn’t Georgia, the awkward honor student. I was just another girl at a party.
I realize now that that was the alcohol. I now saw the appeal of drinking. It was nice to just be for once in my life. It was a shame that there were so many negativeside effects that came with alcohol. One of which was impaired judgment.
Why I ever agreed to play that stupid game was beyond me. I typically avoided girls like Zoe, but for some reason, I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of winning. Turned out she won anyway. I ran out of that house utterly mortified.
Needless to say, it took me a while to fall asleep last night, and when I did, I dreamed about that closet. Seven minutes was all it took to upend the stable course of my life into chaos. It wasn’t because I thought Issac wanted me.
He wasn’t going to knock on my door and claim me as his future bride or anything. That would be ridiculous. The chaos was all me. My body felt like a foreign entity.
When I woke up this morning, I could still feel Ravi and Issac’s hands on me. It wasn’t a violation in the way it should’ve been. I didn’t feel violated at all. I was pissed off, not at either of them. I was angry with myself because I couldn’t chase away the sensation of being squished between them.
I was terrified, yet not. It was almost as if the warmth of their bodies calmed a part of my panicked mind. The only person I had to blame for that was me. Lack of experience was never an excuse. It was a choice.
If I’d gone on a couple of dates, or to just one high-school party, I might’ve been better prepared. After all the arguments I had with Mom about prioritizing knowledge over beauty, I neglected the most crucial subject.
Life itself.
What nineteen-year-old had no idea how to interact with people, or what to expect in social situations? I didn’t even understand my own body’s responses, because I’d never explored it myself. Of course, I had urges—I had hormones like everyone else—but I was too busy studying seismic activity and sedimentary deposits to pay attention to them.
I didn’t like being unprepared for something. I was so not prepared for Issac and his friends, or anything else here. Kash, Rachel, and campus life in general were so far out of my comfort zone. For the first time in my life, I wished I’d listened to Mom’s advice.
It was too late to go back now. I had to forge ahead and deal with whatever came my way. Transferring colleges wasn’t an option. Everything I ever wanted was right there, waiting for me to take it. If I ran away because I felt out of place, then all my sacrifices would be for nothing.
My mind finally cleared of the chaos, allowing me to enjoy my morning run. That wasuntil a haunting reminder jogged up beside me.
“Hey,” Ravi smiled.
Seriously?“What are you doing?”
Was there no place on this campus where I could get a moment of peace?
“You’re not the only person who runs in the morning.”
No, but I was the only one who ran on the broken paths weaving through the woods behind campus. Besides… “You’re wearing combat boots.”
Ravi arched a brow. “Is there something wrong with running in combat boots?”
There were so many things wrong with it. Not to mention the jeans and t-shirt he was wearing weren’t exactly proper running attire, hence why he was already panting.
