Page 87 of My Highland Rogue
Her physician had called on Jennifer and examined her goddaughter with Ellen in attendance. Dr. Ferguson pronounced Jennifer the picture of health.
While she was relieved that there wasn’t anything physically wrong, she was still certain that something wasn’t right. She was determined to get to the bottom of it.
Jennifer always had her morning tea in her bedroom. She had her own suite, something that Ellen had decorated herself in anticipation of the many visits Jennifer would make to her home.
Over the years, she’d changed the decor to suit her goddaughter. If Jennifer espoused a liking for flowers, the next time she visited, the coverlet of her bed, the curtains, and even the skirting around her vanity had been changed to a flowery pattern. The same was the case if she evinceda preference for a certain color. One year it was yellow. The next year it was blue.
She hadn’t changed the decor since Jennifer had expressed a preference for green. The skirting around the vanity was a green-and-white stripe that was mirrored in the drapery. The two chairs in front of the fireplace, both comfortably overstuffed, were upholstered in a very small pattern of green leaves on a background of white. The coverlet was the same.
Overall, it was a bright and cheerful room, the antithesis of its current occupant.
Ellen was determined to discover what was wrong and solve it.
After all, there was no problem that couldn’t be rectified by a little calm thinking. Another of Colin’s aphorisms, and one she sincerely hoped was true in this case.
Another week had passed, another week in which the world was a gray formless void. Jennifer didn’t think of the future, and other than memories of her mother, she didn’t think of the past. As long as she didn’t think of anything, she was fine.
She couldn’t seem to surface from the black mood enveloping her. Or maybe it was simply the realization that God had played a magnificent jest on her. He’d said to her:Here is Gordon, your friend and your companion. As you grow to know him, you will fall in love. You’ll want to be close to him, to live the rest of your life with him, but wait. I’m going to take him away from you for five years, during which time you’ll question and worry. You’llmiss him desperately, but don’t despair. I’ll give him back to you for a few days of magic and wonder. I’ll show you what life with him would be like. Just when you’re certain that I’m smiling on you, I’ll take it all away.
Did God know when people were furious with him? Did He somehow sense it in the lack of prayers sent in His direction? She didn’t know. All she did know was that the world wasn’t a kind or just place. Instead, it was vicious and cruel.
She couldn’t help but ache for her mother. Mary had been disappointed in her son. Harrison had never returned voluntarily to Adaire Hall. Even when she’d been so sick toward the end, he’d only made a grudging appearance.
“Your brother has suffered for the lack of a father,” she told Jennifer once. “I think he would have been a different kind of man had Alex lived.”
Mary would’ve been proud to have Gordon as her son. She didn’t doubt that he would’ve brought a lot of comfort to her mother in her last days.
Betty’s actions had done more than destroy her life. She’d altered Mary’s as well. Hadn’t the poor woman suffered enough? First the fire, then the death of her husband, and the pain that she’d to endure for the rest of her days.
Perhaps it would’ve been charitable for her to forgive Betty, but Jennifer couldn’t bring herself to do so. If God was displeased, she didn’t care. What more could God do to her?
The maid brought her morning tray as usual.Until Ellen appeared, she hadn’t realized that there were two cups there.
“I’ve decided to take tea with you this morning, my dear girl. We’re going to have a talk, you and I.”
She’d heard that tone from Ellen before, but had rarely been the recipient of it. Ellen insisted on excellence from her staff and, for the most part, received it. When someone did a slipshod job or didn’t follow instructions, they were lectured by Ellen in just that tone. She’d also heard her godmother face down a shopkeeper and had been grateful not to be the object of Ellen’s irritation.
Her initial thought was to ask what she had done; then she decided not to say anything at all. Silence was always safer.
“I’ve been patient long enough, my dear. When you wouldn’t tell me what was amiss, I told myself that it was a private matter. However, my patience is at an end. I’ve come to the conclusion that something is dreadfully wrong. Harrison has probably been an ass, but Harrison has always been an ass. Besides, you wouldn’t have that look in your eyes about him. No doubt you’re still missing your mother, but that is a pain that will last for the rest of your life. Yet I’ve seen you smile since Mary died. I haven’t seen you smile recently.”
“Do you miss Colin?” Jennifer interjected. “You don’t speak of him very often.”
Ellen looked taken aback. She poured them each a cup of tea, added sugar to hers, and sat back, concentrating on her cup for a moment.
“I miss him every day. It’s like a hole in my chest, one that I can never hope to fill.” She smiled. “My grief always surprises me, however. I wake up and my first gesture is to roll over to his side of the bed, but he isn’t there. Does that answer your question?”
Jennifer nodded.
“I don’t know what I thought marriage was,” Ellen continued. “I saw your mother’s marriage to your father, but I believed they were so compatible because it was Mary, and Mary was a generous and loving soul. I had my own parents’ marriage as a lesson, you see.” She shook her head. “I think that’s why I rejected marriage myself, at least until I met Colin.”
She took another sip of her tea, her gaze far away.
“I was expected to be a dutiful spinster daughter. My parents only unbent and allowed me some freedom because of my friendship with Mary. By that time, she had become a countess.” She smiled in memory. “It was your mother who introduced me to Colin. Did you know that?”
Jennifer shook her head.
“My marriage was unlike anything I’d expected. It was like being with your best friend, the most favorite person in your entire life every day. We laughed a great deal. We kissed a great deal. I knew him better than I knew anyone, and I know that he felt the same about me.”
