Page 80 of The English Duke
She wanted to tell him the truth, but she remained silent. Perhaps a miracle would occur and he’d suddenly realize that it had been her who’d held him, who’d kissed him, who had given him her virginity.
Instead, the silence stretched out thinly between them. No miracle occurred.
He hadn’t known. He didn’t know now. She was the only one who knew the truth, the only one who could keep this disaster from happening.
At what cost?
Everyone at Sedgebrook was aware that the Duke of Roth was going to marry her sister. They were probably all aware of the circumstances as well. She could just imagine what would happen if she spoke now.
This morning she’d been stunned into silence, but she’d had hours to consider the ramifications of coming forward.
Gossip would swirl around them like a miasmic fog. The York name would be synonymous with derision. She and Josephine would be laughingstocks. They might be heiresses, but scandal would still follow them, probably until the ends of their lives.
She couldn’t imagine Josephine recanting her story, not when she was so close to becoming a duchess. It would be a case of her word against her sister’s.
Did you hear? Both York girls say they were in the Duke of Roth’s bed! Can you imagine? No wonder the mother escaped to France. It’s a wonder their grandmother hasn’t had apoplexy!
She’d lost her sister. She’d never be able to look at Josephine without knowing what she’d deliberately done. Josephine had wanted a title and Sedgebrook more than anything else. More than family.
And now she had the same choice.
How much did she want the truth to surface?
When she woke this morning her first thought was that she was going to see Jordan. She wanted to help him make his torpedo ship a success, a mission completely separate from what she might feel about him personally. It wasn’t, after all, his fault she found him attractive. Or that she’d wanted to experience passion and had, at his hands.
Everything had changed this morning. Lives had been altered. None of them would ever be the same.
She sat there in silence, gradually coming to a decision. She wasn’t going to be like Josephine. She wasn’t going to manipulate others to get her way.
She’d made a terrible mistake. First, by staying with Jordan. Second, by not realizing the lengths to which Josephine would go.
If she had remained with Jordan until he woke, none of this would have happened. If she had taken responsibility for her actions the entire house would have been scandalized, but at least it would have been better than this outcome.
But she hadn’t and now they needed to go their separate ways, the Duke of Roth and his onetime lover, the spinster Martha York, heiress and oddity.
Yet the words still wanted to be spoken.It was me. Can’t you see? Can’t you tell? Shall I kiss you and have you say, oh yes, I see it now, it was you, Martha.
How foolish she could be sometimes.
“I hope you have a safe journey home,” he said.
“Thank you,” she responded, taking a deep breath. This farewell needed to be done, as quickly as possible. “I wish you luck on your trial voyages. Shall I write you if I come up with any new ideas?”
“I’d like that,” he said.
“Would you let me know about your own observations?”
If nothing else, perhaps they could have a correspondence. She would come to treasure his letters to her as much as she did his letters to her father. She would press them against her chest as if to inhale the words or somehow feel him through the ink and paper.
“Thank you for your kindness,” she said.
“When you arrived, you didn’t think I was particularly kind.”
“Then you must forgive me. It was an error in judgment. I’m sure my father wouldn’t approve of what I said.”
“He was always in favor of your strong opinions. ‘Martha knows her own mind.’ I remember reading his comment many times.”
She didn’t know her mind now. Or perhaps she did, but she couldn’t do anything about her thoughts or her wishes. She wanted to throw her arms around his shoulders, place a kiss on his cheek, perhaps invite him to turn and embrace her. They would kiss and she would show him, wordlessly, how she felt.
