Page 33 of Beautifully Broken
“Conrad, I’m here.” I turn towards the gun, click the safety on, and then set it back on the counter.
“You shouldn’t be.” Conrad’s voice shakes as sobs escape him.
“I want to be. We need you, Conrad. We want you here. I need you to hear me when I say that.” I carefully step toward him, wrapping my body around his vibrating form.
Slowly, his breaths regulate, and his arms wrap around me. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
We need to have a conversation, but I know that it needs to wait until he’s sobered up and rested.
“Do you want to lie down?” I ask him, he doesn’t speak, instead nodding his head against my shoulder, “Can you tell me where the gun goes?”
“My closet, I have a safe.”
“Okay. Go, I’m going to grab some water for you.”
As I grab water, I have a quick conversation with Mace via text.
Me: Mace, he’s okay.
Mace: I’m mad at him.
Me: I know but he needs us right now.
“Enid?” Conrad’s weak voice comes down the hallway.
“Coming, one second.” I holler back.
Mace: Fine. Should I see if I can stay with Troy tonight?
Me: Will you be okay?
Mace: Yes, he needs you more than I do right now.
Me: You sure?
Mace: Promise.
Me: Love you. Call me if you need anything.
Mace: Always. Love you.
With the water and gun in my hand, I head towards Conrad’s room.
“Code to the lock?” I ask, approaching the gun safe in his closet.
“2-8-4-6-3-0”
I enter the numbers as he rattles them off, pondering if we should change them going forward. After the safe clicks open, I place the pistol inside, shutting and locking it with a hefty sigh.
I place myself on the side of the bed closest to the closet and snuggle into Conrad’s arms. He quickly falls asleep, and while I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, sleep evades me. I opt to scroll on my phone, trying to find resources about what steps to take next. He sleeps peacefully with his arms wrapped around my middle.
Some of these steps include finding a therapist and potentially getting on medications, but the biggest takeaway is being present for the person as they experience the aftermath of their suicide attempt. While there are conversations that need to be had, tonight, I know the things Conrad needs most are sleep and me.
Chapter 13
Conrad
