Page 82 of Karma
Nowthatwas what he expected. “Don’t worry, it won’t take long.”
“Are we all waiting for an engraved invitation, or are we heading in?” Colt asks as he walks past Zane with a glare that sets off a million warning bells inside his head.
Alarm bells. This may have been a mistake, but he knows it has to be done.
He’s the last to walk into the room, and part of him wants to leave the door open. Not that any old lady in the main room, one of which he’s never seen before, would do anything to help him.
“Thanks for letting me crash the party,” Zane says and gives a quick yet forced smile. “There’s so much I need to say, but I’m kind of drawing a blank.”
“Good think you decided to do this, huh?” Shep says and cracks his neck.
How quickly Zane forgot how many loyal friends his sister has in this room. She’s done something for almost everyone in here at one point or another, himself included.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out and laughs. “It doesn’t sound like it’s enough, but it’s the simplest way I can put it. I fucked up. For too long, I’ve been pissed at the world, and the only person who helped ease that anger fucking died on me. My entire world flipped on its head, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do.”
Some of the faces change from pissed to slightly angry. More than a few of them understand how it feels to lose a woman and how it affects a man wearing the leather. Especially when they lose their woman to death.
Zane locks eyes with Diesel. While he knows the pain of having a wife taken from him, he’s also fiercely loyal to Lex. He needs the older man to understand how sorry he is. That he’s committed to making a change.
“I’ve been allowed to take my feelings out on people who don’t deserve it, and that was never okay. Nothing I did or said to Lex or Emma can ever be changed. I have a million excuses, but that’s all they are. Just excuses.”
No one says a word, and Zane wishes this was just a dream. This is worse than the ones where he’s naked in high school, standing in front of the class to recite an essay he forgot to write. Totally exposed.
“It never felt right to be angry with my mom when she died, and it still feels wrong to be angry with Lane. Even though I had every reason to be angry with VP, I couldn’t allow myself to be angry with the parent who was left. That pretty much left Emma and Lex as my targets.”
“Because that makes a lot of fucking sense,” Ty says.
“I’m thankful no one in here really knows what it’s like to watch the person you love die like that, and even though it was so beyond wrong, I didn’t have a fucking clue how to cope. Lex didn’t always push back, and Emma only did when it came to her daughter. It felt like it was okay even though it wasn’t.”
He glances sympathetically towards his father who has the glares shifting to him instead. VP returns an angry and betrayed stare at Zane.
“My goal isn’t to deflect my bad decisions and horrible actions. I own every one of them, but I hope you can understand the reason behind it. Just a little. It’ll never make it right.”
“We all know you never learned how to cope properly,” Jennings says.
“When I lost Lane, it really felt like the world fucked me over. I hated everyone, but I hated myself most of all. It happened all over again, and once again, I was left to pick up the pieces.”
Looking at the ground, Zane clenches his fists to stop himself from crying. His nails dig into his palms and give him something else to focus on.
“It felt like it was my fault. To lose two of the most important women in my life to cancer. That I’d caused it somehow. Worse than that, though, I still feel like it should have been me instead.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, but it does at the same time,” Jennings says. “We all would be lost without our women, and you had to sit by and watch yours fade away. None of us ever felt you weren’t entitled to your feelings.”
“You just didn’t have the right to take your feelings out on my wife,” Colt says, a hard, steely glare aimed right at Zane. “And you sure as fuck didn’t have a right to destroy the clubhouse because you were pissed about a wedding. But even more than that, you didn’t have a right to abandon your daughter.”
He nods and stares at the ground, continuing to will himself not to cry. The last thing Zane wants is sympathy or pity. “I know. I thought about Margaret every day, and I called at least once a week to check on her. Make sure she was as okay as she could be.”
“Wait, what?” Ky asks and leans forward to look at VP. “You told us you didn’t know how or where he was.”
“It’s not important, is it?” VP asks. “Everything’s fine now.”
“I had to leave,” Zane says, hoping to save his father. “I was so drunk and high the day I showed up at your house, Colt, that I would have killed Lex. I’m not proud of it, and I’m trying to find a way to atone for what I did. That was the moment I knew I was a danger to my daughter, and she wasn’t safe with me.”
“I fucking told you!” Colt shouts. “But noooo, your son is always in control. He’d never do that to his sister. You fucking blind motherfucker.”
Diesel waves a hand in the air. “What do you mean when you say Margaret wasn’t safe with you?”
“I came to take her home on my bike when I was completely blitzed out of my fucking mind, and then I tried to kill my sister for stepping in to keep her safe. I needed to get my shit together before I did something I couldn’t come back from. To be a father to her. Not entirely sure I know what I’m doing now, but I’m trying.”
