Page 70 of Karma
“So was I!” she screams. “Mom never would have abandoned me. I wish you’d been the one to die instead of her.”
The tears can’t be held back any longer, and he looks at his hands folded in front of him as he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Me, too, Kid. Me, too.”
“Did you ever love me?”
Zane snaps up to look at his daughter. “How can you ask me that?”
“How can I not?” Margaret asks. “This doesn’t feel like love. I’ve heard how Grandpa talks about Lex, and that’s not real love, either. But I guess he stuck it out at least.”
I really fucked up if I’m on the same level as my dad.
“I love you more than I love myself. The truth is… I hated myself. It was hard for me to be what you needed because I wished every single day it was me instead of your mom.”
Swallowing, she straightens her back. “You did?”
“She knew how to do everything. How to take care of you. What you needed and when. I was supposed to be the fun parent, and suddenly, I was the only. And I hate to admit this, but looking at you hurt.”
“I hurt you?”
He sniffles and locks eyes with her. “You look so much like your mother, and I miss her so goddamn much. The way you talk and walk and act is all her, and it was hard because I’m still so angry with her. She left us, kid, and I’m so fucking angry.”
“She didn’t have a choice, Dad. No matter what you think, or how you feel about Lex, Mom wasn’t getting better. She gave us everything she had.”
“It doesn’t mean the feelings go away. The last thing I wanted to do was take out my anger on you, and I knew I was about to. That’s why I had to turn it on others, but the truth is that I screwed up. I really screwed up, kid. More than I ever thought I could.”
“You hurt others because you didn’t want to take your anger out on me?”
The anger falls away, and she looks at him with curiosity instead. Just like her mother, Margaret tries to understand others while Zane makes assumptions and reacts.Thank God you take after her, baby.
“The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, but I know I did. I scared myself that day at Lex’s house because I saw what I was capable of. It was like I had no control over myself, and it scared the hell out of me.”
“Why?”
“Because it meant I could hurt you. I’d never recover if I did that, but it’s a bullshit excuse because I did hurt you. Probably in a worse way.”
Margaret sighs and slumps her shoulders. “You scared me, too. But I needed my dad. I needed someone, and I suddenly had no one. Lex tried, but it’s not the same. And Grandpa wouldn’t let her.”
Sniffling, he wipes his eyes. “She’s a better person than I’ll ever be.”
She holds her shirt out a bit to showcase it for him. “She took me to this concert. This was Mom’s favorite band, and they had a farewell tour. It was a surprise for Mom’s birthday.”
He thought it was one of his wife’s shirts, but it’s not. Lex took Margaret out for Lane’s birthday to celebrate. Something he should have done.
“She and a few other old ladies took me, and somehow, someway, Lex got them to dedicate Mom’s favorite song to me. For those four minutes, I felt Mom with me. It was the best four minutes I’ve had since she died.”
Her hand flies to her mouth as she muffles her sob, and Zane hates how much his daughter suffered alone. He did, too, but he should have been here. For her, he should have climbed out of the hole he felt he was being buried alive in.
“I’m going to make it up to you, baby. I swear, I will figure out how to do that. You mean more to me than I can ever put into words, and I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry.”
When Margaret runs up and throws herself into his arms, Zane’s nothing short of surprised. She hugs him tightly, her hot tears hitting his neck, and he just holds her as she cries.
“I don’t know if you want to come home or not, but I cleaned up the house. Stocked the fridge and mowed the lawn. Whenever you’re ready, the door’s always open for you.”
“You promise you won’t leave me again?”
“Never. It’s you and me. We’re stuck with each other, and I will do whatever I can to make up for the last year and a half.”
Leaning back, she wipes her eyes. “I forgive you.”
