Page 16 of Always There Bayou
“Yeah, they’re fine…I just,” I exhale, shaking my head. My dad looks up from his tablet to listen as well. “I just realized something about myself, and I’m having a hard time processing it.”
“What? Did you realize that you’ve been in love with Denny all of these years?” I hear Cordell ask, and my head snaps in his direction as he sits at the table with our other brother, Ian. I hadn’t even noticed they were in here. I narrow my eyes at themas they cackle like two hyenas. “Ooh, looks like you did! I knew it! Ian, pay up, big bro.”
“Damn, Cory. You couldn’t have made that discovery about yourself until after you left?” Ian mumbles, placing two crisp 20-dollar bills into Cordell’s outstretched hand. “You owe me $40, by the way.”
“I don’t owe yo ass shit,” I snap, agitated. “Why are y’all niggas betting on me anyway!”
“Because we know this is easy money,” Cordell shrugs, stuffing the money in his pocket. “Y’all have been sauntering around like y’all aren’t madly in love with each other for years. Who the fuck sleeps in the same bed as theirbestiehalf naked?”
“Right? And y’all are always holding hands and all up under each other,” Ian points out.
“And Denny is definitely in love with you,” My dad adds, and I turn to look at him, my mouth agape. He chuckles, shaking his head. “Cory, I don’t see how you haven’t picked up on that by now. Or maybe you have but didn’t want to admit it to yourself. You tend to run away from your feelings, you know.”
“That’s not…true,” I say, but even I know it is. I turn to my stepmom. “Mama B, do you think so too?”
“Well, Cory, sweetheart,” she says, walking over to me. She takes my hands in hers and squeezes them lightly. “I’ve noticed over the years that the only person you ever let see every side of youisDenny. They’re your comfort person, yes, but it’s much more than that, and I’m happy that you’re finally starting to realize that.”
“Right. Now you can let go of that bitch, Crusty,” I hear Imani say as she enters the kitchen with Leo right behind her. She greets our parents with a hug before leaning against the counter, giving me her undivided attention. I can already tell there’s an annoyed look on my face by the way she begins to laugh. “Cory, you can look at me like that all you want, but you know that you should’vebeenlet that cheating ass hoe go.”
“Right!” Cordell and Ian cosign, and I sigh deeply.
“What is it? Judge Cory Day or something?” I snap, getting increasingly irritated with every second. “I get it, okay? I’m a dumb ass for trying to hold on to a failing relationship. I know! It’s just- never mind.”
“See, and there you go shutting us out again,” Imani groans. I don’t say anything, causing her to shake her head. “Cory, I don’t know why you believe that you deserve to suffer, but you don’t. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. Hell, if it weren’t for you, there’s no telling how our lives would’ve ended up. Imagine if we’d stayed with-”
“No,” I cut her off, holding my hand up to stop her. “Don’t.”
I could feel my chest tightening as memories from the past came back to the front of my mind. I look around at my family as they stare at me in concern, but I can also feel the somberness that has fallen over the room. My head was throbbing, and I knew that I was only a few seconds away from cracking. I didn’t need them to see that. I needed to get out of here.
“Good morning, everyone!” I heard Denny greet sweetly, and my head quickly snapped toward the sound. They take one look atme and their smile falls. They rush over and cup my face in their hands gently. “Corduroy, what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to-”
I don’t give them a chance to finish because I step out of their grasp and take their hand in mine. I pull them out of the kitchen and in the direction of my room. When the door is closed behind us, I push them up against the wall and decide on a course of action. Part of me wanted to kiss them and then make love to them. Anything to get my mind off what was bothering me, but I hated myself as soon as I pondered it. I couldn’t use them like that. Especially if theydidhave feelings for me.
So, instead, I wrapped my arms around their waist and rested my head on their chest, letting out a shaky breath as tears fell from my eyes. I was overwhelmed and felt the bridge slowly cracking. They don’t say anything but gently hug me back as I cry softly into their arms. After a few minutes, they coaxed me over to the bed, and they held me as I let myself become consumed by my emotions.
I can’t tell you how many times we’d been in this same position, but I was always thankful that they were never too far away when I needed them. It was at that exact moment that I realized that their words from earlier might be more than just a drunken confession. I could see what my family was pointing out and had, no doubt, been seeing for years now, yet I’d been too oblivious.
Shit.
“One sentence,” they whisper, and I look up at them. They wipe a few tears from my face and smile softly. “Give me one sentence about how you’re feeling right now.”
I thought for a second and fought hard to say what I wanted to say. So, I went with a safer, more expected option by saying, “I miss my mom.”
“I know, Cory. I do,” they sigh, hugging me tighter. “I miss mine too.”
We lay there in each other’s arms as we thought about our parents. It’s been about 15 years since my mom passed away from an overdose, and I’ve been trying my best to block it out since. I never talked about it, and I hated when people brought it up because it hurt too fucking much. I blamed myself for not trying harder to get her the help she needed, and in turn, she was consumed by the temptations around her.
I can still remember the day clearly as hell. I’d come home from staying the weekend at Denny’s house to find my dad waiting for me, a somber expression on his face. When I asked him what was wrong, he informed me that my mom had passed away only a few hours prior. He was still her emergency contact at the hospital, so they called him, but by the time he got there, she was gone.
I was devastated because I’d just seen her a few days prior, trying to convince her one last time to get help. I was depressed for weeks, blaming myself for leaving her apartment that night instead of trying harder to get her to come with me. I felt like the worst daughter in the world, and I think that’s the most I ever cried in my life.
I think that’s also around the time when I decided that whatever bad luck I got in life was purely because I deserved it. Part of me knewthat’swhy I allowed Christie to walk all over me like she did. I knewdeep down that the relationship was doomed from the moment she stepped out, yet I unknowingly decided that I deserved what I got.
Yes, it’s toxic, but it was a coping mechanism that I’d picked up years ago.
I blamed myself for waiting so long to tell my dad how bad things had gotten at home, resulting in my siblings being exposed to shit they shouldn’t have been. I had so many regrets, and sometimes I felt like I was so closed off because of it. I felt guilty about shit that IknewI shouldn’t feel guilty about. It was just that anxiety and panic took control every time, and I had no idea how to stop it.
I knew that using Denny as my comfort person wouldn’t last forever.
