Page 58 of Texas Hold Em'
“I have feelings for him,” I admitted.
The women’s eyes widened.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “It doesn’t make any sense to me, either. It isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to finish this thing with Bates and have a clean break so I could go back to Austin. But everything got so messy so quickly and I don’t know where to go from here.”
“Would you stay here for him?” Samantha asked.
Her question hit me in the gut. “I don’t know.”
“But you’re tempted?” Suzie pressed.
I raked my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know. There’s so much more to him than I ever imagined. He makes me feel strong and steady, like I can take on the world. And maybe that’s not a good thing, you know? Maybe all that strength went to my head, and if it hadn’t, I never would have hunted Bates down and caused this mess to begin with. Tex makes me feel invincible. People do stupid shit when they feel invincible.”
“Damn,” Suzie breathed. “That’s a lot.”
Tell me about it. Try being in my head right now.
Sam rubbed at her knees like they were riddled with arthritis, but I recognized it as an anxious tell. Back when I was training to be a Ranger, I’d learned certain body language cues to recognize in interrogation rooms. Anxious knee rubbing with rigid fingers and white knuckles was one of them. It also sometimes signified dishonesty, which might imply that Sam was hiding something, or she was as nervous about Friday night as I was.
“How do you do it?” I blurted out.
The women stared blankly at me.
“Do what?” they asked in unison.
“Keep a brave face on when you’re in the same position as me. Hell, you’re in a worse position than me. I’m crushing on Tex. I don’t know what we are. There isn’t a commitment there. But you’ve been with your guys for how long? You’re in love with them. You’re building lives with them. And there’s a very real chance that everything could go wrong on Friday night and you might never see them again. And if that happens, how will you be able to ever look at me again?”
I hated how fast I was talking and how they were blurring in my vision as my eyes filled with tears. I hated the loss of control and the open wound of my burden as I bled guilt in front of them.
“You’ll never be able to forgive me and I won’t blame you. I… I might ruin everything. For all of you, not just for Tex.”
Sam got up and sat down beside me. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders in a nurturing way and I could smell her perfume. She smelled like the beach in summertime. “Carrie, take a breath. There you go. Another one.”
I breathed deeply—in through my nose, out through my mouth.
“Good.” Sam’s voice was a quiet hush in my ear. “Listen to me, Carrie. I understand you feel guilty. Believe me, I understand. Jackson almost died for me and the weight of that truth almost destroyed me. But he didn’t die, and I wasn’t destroyed. All of this,” she gestured around at the shop, “did not come to be by playing it safe. Jackson and the others aren’t normal men. They don’t play by the rules. Choosing to be with one of them like Suzie and I have done? It isn’t a decision to be made lightly. This will not be the last time we sit around anxiously chewing on our nails or talking about things that don’t matter to distract ourselves. Even if Bates is eliminated from the picture on Friday, there will always be something else in our way. This life isn’t easy, and if you can’t ever accept that, Tex will never be enough for you.”
I gazed into her eyes. Why was she saying this to me?
I wanted him to be enough. Ineededhim to be. Without Tex, where did that leave me?
Sam took my hands in hers. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie. I’m trying to be real with you. If this fear you’re experiencing right now never goes away and you can never accept that you don’t have as much control as you want, then you and Tex? You’re a pipe dream.But, if you can suspend your fear and trust him fully and lean into him when you need to, then Reno might be home for you like it’s home for us.”
Suzie joined me on my other side. “She’s right. I grew up with them. I’ve been part of the club since, well, before it was even a club. No time is guaranteed here. We have to live in the present. We have to hold on to what is ours now. If you can do that, you can be his.”
Be his.A bit of panic ebbed away from me, pulled from my blood and my bones by their words. I surprised myself by smiling. “Even if I could do what you’re saying, Jackson would never accept me.”
Sam laughed. “Let me worry about Jackson. If you stand by Tex and your heart is true, Jackson will come around.”
“He’s a jackass,” Suzie said, “but I’m sure he wants to believe you’re with us, not against us.”
And if Tex died? If the plan went terribly wrong and I was left standing there with Tex’s corpse and no hope in Hell to forgive myself? What then?
Would Jackson still see the good in me, or would he put me out of my own misery? Perhaps he’d leave me to Bates.
I shuddered at the thought.
Sam rubbed my back before getting to her feet. “I’m going to refill my water. Can I get you two something while I’m inside?”
