Page 61 of Yours to Lose
“God, I can’t believe how much they’ve changed. I’ve only been gone for, like, five weeks.”
“I don’t think they’re all that’s changed in the last five weeks.” Hannah gives me a sly grin, and Hallie misses nothing.
“Uh, what the fuck was that?” Hallie asks, gaze bouncing from me to Hannah.
I stay quiet, not exactly sure what to say, knowing Hannah will fill Hallie in. Per usual, Hannah does not disappoint. “Nothing, just that I’m like ninety-eight percent sure I interrupted our baby sister about fifteen seconds away from kissing one of your husband’s very best friends in the front seat of his car just now.”
“Jordan?” Hallie practically shrieks, startling both babies. I toss her a dirty look and bounce them a little to settle them back down.
“Well, it wasn’t the happily married best friend,” I say dryly.
“So, I did see what I thought I saw.” Hannah’s smile is almost comically satisfied, as if it wasn’t so extremely obvious what was about to go down in that car before she interrupted.
I shrug as best I can with a twelve-pound baby in each arm. “You did.”
“Are you guys, like, together?” Hallie’s brow is scrunched up, and she’s studying me like the answer to her question is written on my face.
“Definitely not.” I ignore the little glow I get at the wordtogether, as if it’s something my body knows it wants even though my brain hasn’t caught up all the way yet.
“Whatever was going on in that front seat didn’t look likedefinitely not. It looked more like, on the verge of diving straight in.”
I sigh, leaning back against the couch. “Honestly? I don’t know what the fuck it was. A moment of pure insanity maybe. We were talking, and it just kind of happened. It was like my brain shut down and decided that hormones were leading the show.”
“Has this happened before?” Hallie gives me a concerned look, and I don’t know if it’s concern for me or concern because of whatever she thinks Jordan is or isn’t right now, but either way, my sisters are my safe place, and I think if I don’t unload some of this angst, my brain might just melt down.
Happiness is my default setting. I’m not built for angst.
“Okay, so the thing is, I’ve kind of been downplaying my friendship with Jordan.”
“In what way?” Hannah asks, plucking Jack out of my arm and tucking him into hers.
“In every way imaginable,” I mumble, grabbing a Fireball from my pocket and unwrapping it. I don’t really want it, but I suddenly need something to do with my hands.
I look up at Hallie when she lays a hand over mine. “You know you can tell us anything right? If you talk to us, it might help you clear up whatever it is that’s going on in your head.”
I nod, glancing down at our joined hands and then back up at Hallie. “I’ll tell you everything, but this stays between us. No telling Ben. If Jordan wants Ben to know, he can tell him.”
“Absolutely,” she says seriously.
“Wait, what? I assumed you would be all,I don’t keep secrets from my husband who I am madly, wildly in love with.”
Hallie shrugs, taking a sip from the giant water tumbler on the table beside her. “I am both of those things, but you’re my sister, Jo Jo. That’s important too. If you want something to be just between us, then it’s just between us.”
I lean my head on Hallie’s shoulder, grateful for that little reminder that, no matter what, the three of us have each other. “I’m all confused,” I start, figuring I might as well just dive in. “Jordan and I have been hanging out a lot in New York, and when I say a lot, I mean literally anytime I’m not at work and he’s not at the hospital a lot.”
“How much exactly is that?” Hannah asks, bouncing Jack a little when he stirs. “I know you’ve been working a lot, and I’m sure his hospital hours are crazy.”
I blow out a breath. “Almost every day. Sometimes we meet for an early breakfast before I go to the museum if he’s working nights, or we meet for dinner if he’s working days. We went on an all-night scavenger hunt through the city and watched the sunrise from Battery Park and spent a Sunday at Coney Island. We’ve explored Central Park and gone to Serendipity like tourists and eaten from food trucks and had movie night. We have a regular bagel store and a favorite place for Chinese takeout and inside jokes and I named this summer the J’s Summer of Fun and now he calls it that too, and I think…” I break off, biting the inside of my cheek as I gather my thoughts. “Aside from you guys, I think he’s my best friend.”
“But you want it to be more than that?” Hannah wraps her free arm around my shoulder, and her words hold no judgment. Only curiosity and understanding.
“I honestly don’t know. He’s been through so much since Allie died, and I understand him. Even though I’ve never lost anyone the way he has, something in me just gets him, and I don’t mean to, like, toot my own horn or anything, but he’s lighter since we’ve been hanging out. He smiles more. He seems happier. He’s even laughed a time or two. He opens up to me, and I get the sense that he hasn’t really opened up to anyone in the last two years.”
“He hasn’t,” Hallie confirms. “Ben talks about it a lot. All the guys do. Jordan hasn’t told them much of anything. Not about how he’s feeling or even what he does every day in New York. Their conversations live on the surface.”
I think about everything Jordan’s told me about how his friends keep expecting him to be the person he was before Allie died and consider the fine line I’m walking here. I want to tell my sisters about me, but I also want to keep Jordan’s secrets safe. “That must be hard for Ben and Jeremy. All of them, really.”
She nods. “It is, but they also understand. They’re brothers, in every way that matters. They know Jordan had to deal with Allie’s death in whatever way felt right to him. They’ll be there when Jordan is ready to come back to them. But Jo, I think they would just be glad to know that Jordan is talking to someone, and that he’s not alone.”
