Page 13 of Yours to Lose
Gabe smirks at her. “Well in that case…” He dips his head and whispers something in Molly’s ear that has her face flushing and her thighs clenching.
Fuck me. I don’t know what it says about me that watching this little scene unfold just makes me want to roll my eyes. But I guess I should thank them because with the attention off me, I slip out of the kitchen. I turn towards the living room but when I hear Julie, who’s also pregnant, ask Hallie about something I think she calls lightning crotch and Emma starts laughing, I spin on my heel becauseno fucking way.
Pushing through the back door and onto the deck overlooking the backyard, I take a deep breath of cool, spring night air and then another. Never in my life did I think I would miss a place like Manhattan, but in this moment, I would give a limb for my quiet apartment in a city where I don’t know anyone and no one knows me.
I have entirely forgotten how to be around people.
“Fuck,” I mutter, wondering how much longer this night could possibly go on. Although, I’m staying at Emma and Jeremy’s tonight with them, their very inquisitive eleven-year-old, and the two-year-old they recently adopted, so I’m not sure that will be any better.
I sigh, shoving my hands into my hair, wondering how the fuck I became this person. One who is cranky and irritable and hates being around people, even if those people are his best friends in the world.
I mean, I know why.
Losing the love of your life before you’ve even had a chance to make that life fucks with you in all kinds of ways. Mostly, I’m fine. I can think of Allie without breaking down, and I can be grateful to have experienced the kind of love we had without railing at the injustice of it ending too soon. But her death took the light-hearted, cheerful, always up for anything part of me and replaced it with something even I hate to be around most of the time.
I groan out loud. This is why I don’t come here. Everyone thinks it’s because of the memories and all the happy couples when I’m no longer part of one, and it was at first. But now it’s because being back here with all my best friends is like standing in front of a giant mirror reflecting all of my most terrible qualities back at me, with no clue how to change them—or if I even want to. That’s why I never go see my family in Boston either, much to my mom’s chagrin.
“Rough night?”
I startle a little at the voice coming from out in the yard. Squinting into the dark, I make out the silhouette of Hallie’s youngest sister, Jo. She’s lying in the grass, propped up on her elbows, her head turned back towards me.
“It’s nothing,” I mutter.
“Doesn’t seem like nothing,” she says. “The neighbors down the street probably heard your sighs. Any particular reason why you’re out here looking like a grumpy bear when all your people are inside basking in friendship and love and new parenthood?”
“I like the quiet.” I grip the railing and lean into my hands. My eyes are trained on Jo, who is still looking back at me, the end of her ponytail brushing the grass.
“Not me. I’m rarely quiet. I mean, why be quiet when there’s so much to say, right? Sorry to interrupt your quiet time. Although not really, since I was here first and really, it’s you who interrupted me. So, I guess if it’s quiet you’re looking for, you should probably go somewhere else. Or you’re welcome to join me.”
I can just make out her friendly smile in the dark, and I have no idea what possesses me to move, but before I know what’s happening, I’m across the lawn and looking down at Jo, not at all sure what to do with my hands.
“I mean, you could keep standing over me like some weirdo, or you could just sit down.” Her voice is amused as she looks up at me.
Again, my body moves of its own volition, sitting down next to her before I realize I’m in motion. The ground is cool under me, and above us the sky is clear. I glance up, wondering when the last time I saw stars was. No stars in Manhattan.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Jo asks, a smile in her voice.
“What?”
“Deciding not to be alone.”
Huh.
I stare at her and am smacked in the face by the realization that this is, in fact, the first time in two years I have actively decided not to be alone. I’ve been around people plenty, but it’s always been them coming to me. I’ve never sought anyone out. I’ve never responded to anyone’s request to come to them. Fuck, Jeremy had to kidnap me to get me to come to Pittsburgh to meet my best friends’ babies. And my family comes to New York to see me; I never go to Boston to see them. But now, here I am. I could have gone back inside just now or found a different place to be. But instead, my feet brought me here.
I don’t know what to say to that, so instead I just grunt something unintelligible and stretch my legs out in front of me, glancing up at the stars.
“They’re easier to see if you lay down. The stars,” she says at my questioning look. “It’s why I came out here. It’s a really clear night, and I like looking for constellations.”
Before I can respond, Jo lays flat on her back, face pointed towards the sky, her green eyes sparkling, although at what, I’m not sure. There’s a smattering of freckles across her nose, and her chestnut ponytail is spread over the grass and streaked with what I’m almost positive is yellow paint. I briefly wonder if it’s intentional, but when I see matching paint streaks on her T-shirt, I decide it’s probably not. Her jeans are torn at the knees in a way that seems accidental instead of intentional, and her legs are crossed at the ankles, feet clad in pink Converse.
I haven’t spent all that much time with Jo Evans in the years I’ve known Hallie, but for some reason, in this moment, she’s the only person in the world who doesn’t irritate me.
“You know if you want to check me out you really should be more subtle about it.”
“What?” My gaze snaps up to her face because, fuck no. I don’t check out women. Especially not the younger sisters of my very good friends.
“Oh, my god, I was kidding,” she laughs. “You’re fine.”
