Page 116 of It's Always Been You
“It’s our most special place,” Hallie says, leaning into Ben. “This is where Ben and I first got together.”
I can feel Gabe’s smile behind me. His fingers stroke lightly over my arms. “It’s a good place for that.”
“It was actually on bonfire night,” Ben says, looking down at Hallie at the same time she looks up at him.
“God, you guys will never not be adorable. Are we that adorable?” Jeremy asks Emma.
I glance over at Jeremy, never able to resist needling him. It’s the little sister in me. “You guys are parents. I think once you become parents, you stop being adorable.”
Jeremy tugs Emma closer to him. “Fuck that. We’re the hottest parents in the world. And also, Maddy is with Emma’s grandparents for two weeks, so it’s basically like we aren’t even parents at all.”
Emma glances up at him, her face full of humor. “Didn’t you call my grandparents, like, four times today to talk to Maddy? Doesn’t seem like you’ve forgotten you’re a parent.”
“Fuck,” Jeremy mutters. “I miss her, what do you want from me?”
“For you to never, ever change.” Emma leans up and kisses his jaw, settling back down, contentment radiating from her.
“Hey, guys.”
We all turn at the same time to see Jordan standing at the edge of the sand. Ben stands immediately and greets him with a hug and some whispered words. Everyone else stays where they are, an unspoken agreement not to overwhelm him. There have been a lot of those over the past few months as we’ve all tried to navigate this loss and the best way to help Jordan through it.
As Ben talks, Jordan closes his eyes, and I see his hands clench into fists like he’s working hard to hold himself together. Jordan’s jaw is covered in heavy stubble like he hasn’t bothered to shave for a while, and his eyes are shadowed in a way thatspeaks to many sleepless nights. My heart aches for him. For all of us.
When the two men break apart, Ben takes his seat and Jordan sits down in an empty camp chair next to Asher and Julie, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his hands twisted together. He stares into the fire before he clears his throat and looks around at everyone.
“I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’m doing here.”
“We’re just happy to see you,” Jeremy says.
Asher grabs a beer out of the cooler he brought down and tosses it to Jordan. “We’ve really missed you.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t come. I just…” He trails off, his voice breaking a little.
“Don’t ever be sorry,” Emma says softly. “We just want you to do what feels right to you. We’re here for you no matter what.”
“She’s right, Jordan.” Julie lays a hand over his. “You are a part of this family, and family always sticks. We’re all just happy you’re here.”
Jordan gives her a grateful look, then glances around the circle, making eye contact with everyone. “I just drove up for the night. I have something I need to tell you. All of you.” He pauses and looks down at his hands.
“I’m not sure how to say it, so I’m just going to say it. I’m leaving.”
“Leaving where?” Asher asks.
Jordan looks up, his face a mask of pain “Pittsburgh. I’m leaving Pittsburgh. I love you all and you’re my family, but being in Pittsburgh feels like having my heart ripped out of my body every single day. Being in the hospital, expecting to see Allie around every corner. I can’t—” He cuts himself off, wiping under his eyes and taking a deep breath.
“I can’t do it anymore,” he says quietly. “It’s too painful. It hurts too much. I need to be somewhere else for a while.Somewhere she wasn’t. Somewhere you guys aren’t. I’m so sorry, and I hate myself for it because I love you all, and I only want happiness for all of you. But watching you build your lives when mine was ripped away from me feels impossible. I can’t do it right now.”
Ben stands and drags a chair over to Jordan’s, sitting and putting his hand on his friend’s back. “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “You need to do whatever feels right for you. Where are you going?”
Jordan scrubs a hand over his face. “New York. There’s an open general surgery attending position at New York Med in Manhattan, and I accepted it this morning. I thought about going to Boston to be with my brothers, but I think I need to go somewhere where no one knows me. Where no one knows what happened. I don’t know if this is the right choice, and I don’t know if it’s forever or just for right now.”
He gives a little humorless laugh. “I don’t know much of anything right now, but I do know that this feels like what I need.”
“Not pediatrics?” I ask. I immediately regret the question because Jordan needs support now, not questions. “I’m sorry, that just slipped out. You don’t have to answer.”
“No, it’s okay.” Jordan swings around to face me. “Not pediatrics. They didn’t have an open peds position, but honestly, getting out of peds feels okay to me. Just, a clean break all around.”
“When do you leave?” asks Julie.
