Page 101 of It's Always Been You
“Rory.”
Gabe’s voice filters into my subconscious, cutting through the disorienting haze of a deep, too-short sleep. The bed shifts. A warm body next to mine. Arms wrapped around me, pulling me close. My head on a strong shoulder. A hand smoothing back my hair. A kiss to my forehead. Love-soaked words whispered in the dark.
“I love you, baby. I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”
My control has been slowly breaking down all day today, but it’s theyou’re not alonethat finishes the job. Emotion fills my throat, and I’m too tired to push it back down. My breath comes in sharp gasps, and hot tears fill my eyes.
Gabe tightens his arms, and his voice is a comforting whisper in my ear. “Let it go, Rory. It’s okay. I’m here to catch you. I’ll never let you go.”
So, finally, I do.
Turning my face into Gabe’s neck, I let the bubble burst. I sob out four days of guilt and grief. Of fighting against everything that makes me who I am. Of withdrawing into myself and hidingfrom all the people who love me most. OfI’m so sorry for your lossand Jordan’s face as he broke. Of his tears on my sweater and never seeing my friend again.
I sob like my heart is broken, because it is, but Gabe sticks with me the whole time. His arms stay tight around me, and he whispers soft words. He never moves, not once. He’s there as my sobs turn to sniffles and my breathing evens out. As I take stock and realize that even though my head aches and my throat is raw from the crying, my heart feels just a little lighter. Not a lot, but enough.
I shift back a little so I can look up at Gabe. He’s already looking down at me, the love in his gaze so intense it brings a fresh wave of tears to my eyes. He brings a hand to my face and strokes his thumb over my cheekbone. He touches me like I’m precious. Important. He looks at me like I’m his reason for everything, and I realize in this moment that, no matter what, he will always be mine.
“There she is,” Gabe whispers, bending down and brushing his lips over mine. Quick the first time, and then again, longer and slower, until my head spins and he fills every one of my senses. When we break apart, he leans his forehead against mine and closes his eyes. I wrap an arm around his waist and pull him closer. Now that he’s here, any distance between us feels like too much.
Gabe lets out a shuddering sigh that sounds like relief and I realize that, lost in the haze of my own grief and guilt, I haven’t given nearly enough thought to him. To this beautiful man who has done nothing but love me, even when I feel undeserving of love.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my voice raspy from tears and disuse. “I should have told you where I was going. I didn’t mean for you to go home to an empty house and wonder where I was. I just couldn’t go back there, and I wasn’t thinking straight. I wasgoing to go to Emma’s for a while but found myself here instead. I laid down and then I couldn’t stay awake anymore. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“Oh, baby,” Gabe murmurs, running a hand up and down my back, leaning in to kiss my cheek, my forehead, everywhere he can reach. Then he pulls back so he can meet my eyes. “Rory, there is no place on earth you could go where I wouldn’t come find you. I know you, and I knew where to look for you. I will always come looking for you. I’m just glad you’re here and you’re safe. As long as we’re together, it doesn’t matter where we are.”
“You mean that?” I ask, hating that my voice sounds small. Hating the kernel of doubt where there never was one before.
“Every damn word. You could try and run, but I’ll just drag you back, so save yourself the trouble and stay. Stay with me, Rory, and tell me everything, if you’re ready. We’ll get through it together. And if you’re not ready, that’s okay too. I’ll be here when you are. I’ll always be right here.”
It’s my turn to close my eyes, breathing Gabe in, soaking in his words, taking the strength that he exudes in abundance. I don’t know if I’m ready or not, but I’m going to try. So, with our bodies still tangled together and our heads sharing a pillow, I take a deep breath, and I give him my deepest fear, trusting that he’ll treat it gently.
“I’m afraid Allie died because of me.”
Gabe stiffens a little but keeps rubbing that comforting hand up and down my back, saying nothing, waiting for me to continue.
“I was congratulating myself for being on time, early even, to pick her up. But then Harvey Randall called and needed something stupid from me. My office was a mess like it always is, and there were stacks of paper everywhere. It took me forever to find what I was looking for, and by the time I did, I was late. She was waiting outside for me, Gabe, and then she was just…gone. I drove the entire way to the hospital thinking about how I was going to buy all our drinks to apologize, but instead, I ended up having to tell Jordan that the love of his life was gone. It felt like it was because of my inability not to be a complete mess. Because of the way I live in chaos with stuff everywhere all the time. That’s why Allie is dead, and Jordan is broken, and none of us will ever be the same.”
I take a shaky breath and say the hardest part.
“My entire life, people have always told me I was too messy, too chaotic, too extra. Just, too everything. I’m loud. I wear bright colors and big jewelry and carry a million bags. I’m almost always late. I say exactly what I’m thinking. I can never find my keys. I let it all roll off me because, like, fuck everyone, right? I like who I am. I’m my favorite person. Except this time, maybe who I am got my friend killed, and suddenly, it was like every negative thing anyone has ever said to me was buried somewhere in my brain and came rushing out, all at once. For the last four days, it’s been all I can hear. My mom getting mad because my room was never clean, or my freshman year roommate in college moving out because of the clutter, or my professors wondering why I could never be on time for class. Everyone wondering why I was always so much. So…”
I stop talking then, not able to say the next part, but Gabe figures it out fast.
“You tried to be less.” His voice is pained, like just the thought of me trying to be less hurts him, and that gives me the courage I need to finish.
“Yes. I cleaned everything up even though the order makes it hard for me to think. I wore this stupid black dress today even though I hate black. I pulled my hair back even though I prefer to let it fly free. And I didn’t fall apart because I was afraid if I did, I would never stop.”
Gabe sits up, then pulls me with him so we’re cross-legged and facing each other on the bed. He takes off my shoes, throws them on the floor, and takes both of my hands in his, holding them tight.
“What did you want to wear today instead?”
I stare at him for a second, turning his question over and over in my head. “Out of everything I just said, that’s what you landed on?”
He shrugs, the side of his mouth quirking up. “Just humor me. If you had worn what you wanted to wear, what would it have been?”
“I have this red dress. I’ve never worn it before. I bought it last year when I was shopping with Allie and the girls. It was insanely expensive and kind of ridiculous, and I wasn’t going to get it, but Allie convinced me to. She said every girl needs a red dress in her closet. That when you’re feeling your worst, wearing something red is an instant mood booster. I thought of that this morning. I was feeling my worst, and she would have told me to wear the red dress. But then I thought about how everyone else would be wearing something dark, and it would be another round ofOh, man, Molly is so extra, even at a funeral,and yet another reminder about how, if I was just a little less, maybe we wouldn’t have been at a funeral at all. I usually don’t give a fuck what anyone says, but today it was all I could think about. So, I wore black instead. I hate this fucking dress.”
I stare down at the comforter until Gabe lets go of one of my hands and hooks a finger under my chin, tipping my face back up so our eyes meet.
