Page 105 of It's Always Been You
“Mom, you’ve seen them together before. You know what they look like.” Julie walks over to give Rachel a hug.
“I have, but something’s different about today, isn’t it?” Rachel asks, studying Gabe and me.
I consider her question, thinking about my guilt and grief, and the way Gabe helped me through it last night and again this morning. About the way he understands every part of me and how I feel like I don’t have to hide any piece of myself because he wants them all. About my decision to sell the house and the way the wordforeversettles me right down to my bones.
“Yeah, it sure is,” I respond, and I feel Gabe’s hand tighten on my neck, his body shifting closer to me. I see his smile out of the corner of my eye, and it makes me smile too. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
Rachel gives me awhat do you thinklook. “You’ve been through it, honey. Your man convinced us all to give you a few days of space, but alone time is over. It’sshare with your familytime now. From the look of you, Gabe has done his job. And now what you need is a donut and some girl time while you tell us where your head is.”
She holds up a bag from our favorite bakery, and my eyes almost fill again because, despite the heaviness of this week, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be surrounded by these women, who I met at a turning point in my life and who have stuck with me every day since. I think Rachel can see every thought in my head because she hands the bakery bag to Julie and steps forward, wrapping me in a hug.
“We will never not be here when you need us,” she says in a low voice. “I’ll try not to be mad at you for shutting your family out for almost a week.”
I let out a watery laugh, and when we break apart, Gabe kisses the side of my head and whispers, “I’ll give you guys some time alone. I’m going to go call my sisters and bug them for a while. Love you.”
My eyes follow him all the way up the stairs, and when he disappears into the bedroom, Hallie lets out a low whistle. “You have it bad, Mol. It all makes sense now.”
“What does?” I ask, leading everyone to the living room and flopping down on the couch.
“The reason why you haven’t taken a man seriously in ten years,” Emma says.
“No, she wouldn’t have.” Rachel hands me a donut and takes a seat in the chair across from the couch. Emma, Julie, and Hallie crowd onto the couch with me. “It’s always been Gabe for Molly. Anyone with eyes can see it. The same way it was Jeremy for you, Em, and Ben for Hallie. And the same way Jules flicked every man away until Asher showed up. All my girls found their one. It makes me a proud mom to watch you all fall in love with good men and good partners.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, taking the coffee Julie hands me. “He’s been mine since I was eighteen. It was him or no one. I’ve always known, but this last week has made me even more sure of it.”
“Will you tell us about it?” Hallie asks gently. “Where your head has been?”
“We’ve been worried about you.” Emma reaches over and lays a hand on mine. “We’ve all been sad, but it’s been different for you. You shut down in a way none of us have seen before.”
“And that man of yours wouldn’t tell us anything except that he was with you and to give you some time. I’m not sure how I feel about that,” Julie says darkly.
“You feel fine about it,” Rachel says. “He was protecting Molly, and the second he knew she was ready, he told you to come over. That’s a good, loyal man who understands his girl.”
I blow out a breath and lean forward, elbows on my knees, and make eye contact with all four women. My women. Except one is missing. I wonder if the ache from the empty space Allie would have filled will ever really go away.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been a mess.”
Then, with four sets of understanding eyes on me, I tell them everything. About being late to meet Allie and being told she was gone. Telling Jordan and holding him while he broke. The heaviness of the guilt and all the times in my life I’ve felt like too much. Coming here after the bar last night and Gabe coming to find me and deciding to sell my house and move in to his. I talk and I talk and when I’ve finally gotten everything out, my voice is hoarse, and tears track down my friends’ faces.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you,” I finish. “I got in my head and then it became this whole thing. Intellectually, I know I’m not the reason Allie died, but holding onto Jordan and feeling his heart break, watching everyone’s grief and sadness, made it really hard to hold onto that truth.”
I finally stop talking, and the room is silent for a few beats while they absorb everything I just told them.
“Well.” Rachel is the first person to break the silence. “At some point you owe your friends an apology for thinking theywould ever walk away from you for any reason, ever. Family sticks, Mol.”
I nod, smiling because this is such a Rachel thing to say, and also something I’m pretty sure she has said to everyone in this group at some point in the last two years.
“But also, you have to know that you are the absolute light of this family, Molly. You bring color and fun and joy to everyone and everything, and none of us would be better off if you made yourself even a little bit less than what you are. And you aren’t the only one who’s sad, Mol. Everyone here lost a friend. Jordan lost his most important person. We all need each other right now, and he needs all of us. That’s the only way we get through this. Together.”
Rachel’s words warm me at the same time as they make me sad again for what we’ve all lost. “That’s exactly what Gabe said.”
“Well of course he did,” Hallie says. “You’re fantastic. And we wouldn’t be the same without you. For fuck’s sake, you cruise directed my entire wedding when my mom was being a jerk about it. You bought us all the right lingerie and the perfect shoes for our dresses and made it beautiful. You make everything beautiful, Molly.”
“And you were Maddy’s first safe person other than Jeremy and me,” Emma says. You took her shopping and came over to wait for the bus in the morning when she was nervous about going to school. You helped her pick out clothes, and colored with her, and brought her out of her shell. You related to her in ways I never could have, and you guys have such a special relationship. It’s been a joy to watch.”
Julie reaches over and takes my hand. “You made our office beautiful when all I cared about were spreadsheets and details. You instituted sexy breakfast stories that gave us a chance to connect with each other, even when work and life were insanely busy, and you’ve taught us to celebrate everything, no matterhow small. And don’t forget about the bathing suit you slipped into my suitcase before I left with Asher on our road trip. I’ll always be grateful for that one, and I wish I had a picture of his face when he saw me in that dental floss disguised as a bikini.”
“I think what everyone is saying, Mol, is that we need you. All of us. Just the way you are. Although I could have lived the rest of my life without knowing about the bathing suit.” Rachel pins Julie with a look, but Julie just shrugs.
