Page 109 of Anything for You
“I ordered pizza. We’re drinking and we’re eating and we’re talking, and none of us are leaving here until you are so soaked in love and family that you have no choice but to believe us when we say you’re ours forever.”
I let out a short laugh. “I think it might take more than pizza and beer and words of affirmation, Rachel.”
Rachel gives me a satisfied nod. “I’m glad you realize that because, of course, it will. I’ll also be leaving you with the name of a therapist I found who specializes in childhood trauma. All the love in the world isn’t going to fix what’s broken until you teach your head that you’re worthy of having people who stick. A professional who doesn’t love you is the best person to help with that. You owe it to yourself to take that step, honey. And you owe it to Emma. She loves you, and I know you love her too.”
At Emma’s name, my chest tightens with emotion again and anxiety at the fact that they’re all here and she isn’t. Suddenly I can’t control the words coming out of my mouth.
“I do love her,” I choke out. “I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. I love Maddy too, and I want them both. I want us to be a family, but no one ever taught me how to have one of those. Everyone I ever loved or who was supposed to love me walked away.”
Jordan elbows me in the side. “What the actual fuck, dude. I’ve known you since college, and I love you even though sometimes you’re annoying as shit, and I’ve never gone anywhere. Neither would my girl, and it’s not because you’re the only person who makes her margaritas the way she likes them.”
Rachel looks around the room thoughtfully. “I mean, there are five people in this room who have never walked away, and another four currently having a girls’ night at Emma’s house who wouldn’t leave you if you were a house on fire. Five if you count Maddy, and you should because that girl loves you morethan she loves Taylor Swift, and that’s saying something because have you ever heard her belt out ‘Lover’?”
I laugh a little, and it feels rusty, like maybe my body has forgotten how to be happy. If it were just me, it might not bother me, or it would, but I would ignore the unhappiness like I always have. But Rachel’s reminder of my girls has me wanting to figure this out. To learn how to believe Emma when she tells me she’s not going anywhere and to teach Maddy to trust that the people who love her will stay. I want to be better for them and the life I want to build. Because nothing means anything if I can’t have them with me.
“You know, when I was a mess the day I found out about my shoulder last winter, you told me that it helps to talk about what you know. No feelings; only facts.” Asher rolls his bad shoulder and then shrugs. “It helped me. So, what do you know?”
I push my feelings aside and think about what I know.
“My father has known about me since before I was born. He kept tabs on me for my entire life, so he knew where I was living and what I was doing, but he never came to get me.”
“Fucking asshole,” Ben mutters.
“No feelings from you either, Benjamin,” Rachel says. “Even if you’re right,” she mumbles in a low voice.
“Cut it out, both of you.” Asher points a finger at Ben and then at Rachel. “You’re ruining the facts only portion of the evening.”
Rachel levels him with a narrow-eyed gaze. “You sure you want to talk to your mother-in-law like that?”
Asher just grins at her. “You once told me to think of you like my own mom. I would say that to her, so I’m saying it to you.”
“Touche,” Rachel mutters.
Steven laughs and tosses an arm around Rachel, tugging her closer to him. “Give it up, Rach. You love Asher, and he knows it. Your days of playing intimidating mother-in-law are long over.”
“But did they ever even really start?” Asher muses. “I seem to remember us baking a cake together the very first time I met you. Sorry, Rachel, but no one can be intimidating with flour on their nose.”
Rachel heaves a long-suffering sigh, but she’s smiling. “Fine. You win. I guess now I’ll just have to wait for Molly to find someone. Her parents are all the way in California, so I’ll play local mother-in-law and intimidate whoever she brings around.”
This time when I laugh, it’s real, the comforting banter lifting the veil of my sadness, just enough that I can see through it.
“We got sidetracked, but we’re not done,” Asher says to me. “What else do you know?”
I take a breath and then tell them the other big thing I learned today. Even though I’m sure Emma told them already, they haven’t heard it from me. “I have a brother. A real one. Well, a half-brother, I guess. I wasn’t very nice to him when I left his house earlier today. It’s not his fault that his…our…”
I break off, suddenly hating the idea of calling that man my father. He’s not. He wasn’t then and he isn’t now. My eyes drift to Steven. I know what a father looks like, I realize. I’ve known this whole time. I know because he has shown me since the day I first walked into their house with Ben my freshman year of college. I try again.
“I have a brother. His name is Brian. He didn’t know about me until after his father died.”
Asher nods. “That’s unfair to both of you. Like you said to me, there’s not much of a silver lining here. You’re hurting, and you might be hurting for a while, but we’re here for you. All of us. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year, as long as it takes. Because family sticks. All you can do is take one day at a time. So, what are you going to do first?”
I think back eight months to the night Ben, Jordan, and I sat in Asher’s living room the day he found out he had to retirefrom professional football. I asked him that same question, and I remember being surprised by his answer. Ben and Jordan understood it, but I didn’t. I do now though.
“I need to talk to Emma.”
“You get it now,” Jordan says with a smile, no doubt remembering the same thing I am.
I nod. “I do. She’s my person. I have a lot to work through, but it doesn’t feel right to talk about anything until I talk about it with her.”
