Page 16 of Because of You
“I know you’re disappointed she’s not here. I can see it in your face. It’s okay to tell her that.”
“What’s the point? This is just how she is.”
“The point is telling someone you love who loves you that she did something that disappointed you.”
“It won’t change anything though, so why poke the bear?”
“Because it’s how you feel, Hallie. How you feel matters.”
I know Ben is right, and I also know that I will never say anything. Just the latest in a long string of irritations and annoyances that I bury. I hate confrontation. The idea of people being mad at me makes my skin crawl.
How can I expect anyone to change if I never say anything? But I have been living this way for so long. And as uncomfortable as I sometimes am, it’s also just easier to live in the status quo. I would rather people be happy, even if it means that sometimes I’m not.
Before I can get too deep in my feelings, the clerk asks everyone to be seated. My friends take the first gallery row, and I sit at one of the tables with Eric, Jen, and Maya.
“All rise,” the clerk calls.
We stand, and the judge tells us to be seated. She scans the room and then looks down at Maya and the Caseys with a huge smile.
“It is my absolute honor to be here today,” she begins. “Out of all the things I do as a judge in this court, my favorite thing to do is this—to make a family. To make sure that kids like you, Maya, get to find their forever families. And I am thrilled to see so many of Eric and Jen’s friends in the courtroom today too. It takes a village, and it is so special that you have so many peoplewho have come here to support you today. You are a very, very lucky family.”
I sneak a glance back at my friends, sitting behind us. They are all looking at the judge and beaming, but Ben is looking right at me. He gives me a grin and a wink, and I feel a rush of warmth.
“Now, first, mom and dad, I need your signatures on this document,” says the judge. The clerk takes a clipboard from the judge and hands it to Eric and Jen. They sign, and the clerk hands the clipboard back to the judge.
She looks at it and then sets it aside. I have sat through enough of these adoption proceedings to know what’s coming next, and my stomach jitters with excitement.
“And that’s it,” she says with a grin. “Maya, starting now, you are officially Maya Casey. Eric, Jen, Maya, I know that you have been a family in your hearts for a long time. So, it is my absolute honor right now to declare that you are also now a family legally—officially and forever. Congratulations.”
At that, Maya bursts into tears and throws herself at Eric and Jen. The three of them hug tightly, rocking back and forth. Tears flow from all of them, from me, and, judging by the sniffles coming from the row behind me, from my friends.
As I watch Eric, Jen, and Maya cling to each other in their first moments as an official family, it is suddenly all so clear to me. This is it. It’s so obvious I almost laugh. This is what I want to do. It’s not the firm I don’t want—it’s the kind of work I’m going to be doing at the firm. As I think back on my years in practice so far, I suddenly realize that it has all just been very deeply fine. Nothing particularly satisfying about it at all.
But this? This is what fills my cup. Making families. Helping people navigate the system and giving kids their forever home. This is what I am meant to do. I don’t want to do it on the side whenever Callahan has a case that they are too busy to handle.I want this to be my career—what I do for as long as I am still practicing law.
But that rush of clarity and satisfaction also comes with a deep uncertainty because how the hell am I supposed to do that? I have clients waiting to come over to our new firm and Julie counting on me to pull my weight in our shared practice. Emma and Molly have their own niche areas, with their ultra-complex planning and philanthropic practices, but the plan was always for Julie and me to share a practice. We planned our whole firm around it. Telling her that I want to do something else would be a disaster. Could I even do it within the structure of our firm? Would I want to? I shove those thoughts away, happy for now to at least have figured out part of what has been eating at me for the better part of the last year. I can figure out the rest another time.
Before I even have a chance to turn around and look for my friends, I’m attacked by a cloud of bright colors and long brown hair. “I’m such a weepy mess, and I amnevera weepy mess,” Molly declares as she hugs me tightly. “I need brunch and a mimosa, stat. I told Julie, the spoilsport workaholic, not to expect us back at the office.”
I chuckle. “Never change, Mol.” I give her a grin and turn to see where everyone else is. While Allie is deep in conversation with Jen, Emma is admiring Maya’s new necklace, and from what I can overhear from the guys’ circle, they are ribbing each other about their workout schedule.
Everyone breaks apart at Jen’s declaration that we are going to brunch. Our whole crowd starts moving towards the doorway. Ben falls into step beside me and takes my hand, pressing two mini-Reese’s cups into it. I open the candy as we walk down the hall. As I pop them both into my mouth, Ben tosses his arm around me and says, “Bet the brunch eggs won’t be as good as my eggs, Hallie girl.”
“You know it, Benji. No one makes eggs like you do.”
“And don’t you ever forget it.” He grins at me and drops a kiss on the top of my head. The ghost of his kiss and the weight of his arm warm me to my core as we follow the crowd out of the courthouse.
Chapter Thirteen
Hallie
Afew days after Maya’s adoption hearing, I am spending some quality Saturday time in my favorite way. I’m at home on my couch under a blanket with my e-reader in hand. I have a Diet Pepsi and a bowl of Cheez-Its, the most perfect snack food ever invented, on the coffee table. My friends have long since unofficially dubbed my frequently required time home alone with my books as Couch Time.
This is the first time I have lived alone in my life, and I love it. I painted my living room dark blue and filled it with big comfortable couches and a deep seated dark green squashy reading chair. It’s the kind of chair you can sink into and curl up for an entire day, and it’s where Couch Time always takes place. I put sheer curtains around the windows and hung colorful art on the wall. It is a cozy, happy place that is as clean and organized as can be for someone who aspires to beThe Home Editbut also gets tired putting clean clothes away so usually just piles sweatshirts on top of the dresser.
We have been working our asses off all week to get the office set up, and this is the first moment I have had to breathe since I hung my diploma on my office wall on Monday morning. We had to fight Julie for this time off. She wanted to work straightthrough the weekend to finalize the office set up and have everything situated before the files we requested from our old firms arrive for clients who were following us. And because in a week, we all leave for our two-week lake vacation and won’t be working while we’re there. Except, if I know Julie, she will absolutely be working while we’re there.
I laugh to myself, thinking of the epic blowout that Julie and Molly had over taking the weekend off. Molly flat out refused to come in. At one point she grabbed Julie’s laptop and threatened to delete all of Julie’s spreadsheets if she kept insisting. I think the phrases “you don’t own me” and “partner bitch from hell” were thrown around. Emma intervened with her typical well-reasoned arguments about burnout and the calmer lifestyle we were all looking for when we left big law like the de facto group therapist she is, and Julie finally relented. Emma is literally the only person who can get Julie to calm down, ever.
