Page 12 of Because of You
“The wrong choice for who, Hal?”
She shifts in my lap and sits up, so she is looking at me, eyes tired and sad.
“For me.”
I hold her eyes, not saying anything, trying to collect my thoughts. As far as I can remember, Hallie has never expressed any kind of reservations about starting the firm. She, Julie, Emma, and Molly have been talking about this since they were in law school and have been planning in earnest for the past year. None of them, least of all Hallie, have ever seemed anything except excited and dedicated to what they are building. But I know Hallie. If she is saying this now, it means she has been thinking it for way longer. Maybe the whole time.
“Does it feel like the wrong choice?” I ask carefully, wanting her to keep talking to me.
“Sometimes.” Then she lays back down, curling her body into mine with her head on my chest, and I know she is done talking for now.
She didn’t say much, but even the little she shared is more than I expected she would tell me. I am positive it’s more than she has told anyone else. I wrap one arm back around her, using the other hand to stroke her hair the way I know she likes. She sighs and settles back in. After a couple of minutes, her breathing slows.
Just when I think she’s asleep, I hear her whisper so quietly it’s almost like she hasn’t spoken at all.
“Today it did.”
Chapter Ten
Hallie
Iwake up in the dim, pre-dawn light to the beep of my alarm. I fling a hand out to shut it off and then roll over onto my back in Ben’s guest room bed. I guess it’s more mine and Julie’s bed at this point since everyone Ben knows lives locally and we are the only people to ever sleep in it. As I wait for my body to wake up, images from the night before filter through my brain.
Wrapping myself up in Ben’s hoodie and my favorite blanket and collapsing onto his couch like my body couldn’t hold me up anymore. Eating pie. My little outburst about Julie. Hinting to Ben that I think opening the firm might be the wrong choice.
I can’t believe I let that slip out. I was so comfortable, and Ben was right there with his strong, familiar arms wrapped around me and it just came out. Ben is a vault. I know he won’t tell Julie or the other girls what I said, but letting out even that tiny piece feels like I tore myself open and laid my soul bare.
I groan and roll over, burying my face in one of the pillows. It smells like laundry detergent and Ben’s woodsy scent, and my body immediately relaxes. Ben and I didn’t say much else last night after I let out those tiny truths. I stayed buried in the comforting circle of his arms while we watched TV, and then we both went to bed. As freaked out as I am by what I said lastnight, I also feel a little bit of relief. For the first morning in months, I’m not waking up with debilitating anxiety about my life choices. Instead, it’s more like a low hum in the background. Almost like letting some of it out last night released some of the pressure that has been building up inside of me for the better part of the year. There is a lesson in there somewhere about sharing my feelings, but I am too tired and drained, and it is too damn early for psychoanalysis.
Knowing that I have to get back to the office to pick up my car and get home to change before I have to be at Callahan, I roll out of bed and pad to the bathroom to grab a toothbrush from the stash of new ones that Ben keeps in the bathroom for when Julie or I crash.
After a quick shower, I wrap myself in one of Ben’s comically large bath sheets before getting myself as ready as I can and sliding into a pair of old flip-flops Julie must have left here at some point. I open the door quietly so I don’t wake Ben, who absolutely would not appreciate being woken up before seven in the morning. I’m already thinking about the coffee I plan on making when I get home. It’s going to be a vanilla creamer morning for sure.
I turn towards the kitchen and stop dead in my tracks. Ben is already awake, standing at the stove with a spatula in his hand and a dishtowel over his shoulder.
“Should I be preparing for the rapture?”
Ben whirls around, grinning when he sees me standing there. “Um, what?”
“It’s not even seven in the morning. I assumed that the only thing that could get you up and out of bed this early for the second day in a row is if this is, like, our last moment on earth or something.”
“I mean, I guess it could be. But also, I’m making breakfast. You and the girls have another big day today and you never leavetime for breakfast. I know how you get when you’re hungry. So, actually, I’m doing this for Jules, Molly, and Emma, so you don’t inflict physical pain because of a disagreement over pens or something when it turns out that you’re really just hungry. I heard the shower go on, so I figured I would get a head start.”
“That’s so nice of you, Ben, but I have to go. I have to Uber to the office to pick up my car then go home to change so I can be at Callahan by nine.”
Ben’s face lights up. “Oh yeah, it’s adoption day. The guys and I hit the gym with Eric earlier this week. I know they’ve already been a family for four years, but the way he talked about finalizing the adoption makes it feel different. More official, I guess? I’m so happy for them and so proud of you for seeing this through for them. It’s a really good thing that you’re doing, Hal.”
“I love Maya, and I love Eric and Jen. I’m happy to be able to do it. This was a special one for me.”
The truth is, they are all special. I love every single case I work on for Callahan, even the heartbreaking ones. And when you are working for and with child services, the foster care system, and parents who have been waiting years to adopt a child, there are a lot of heartbreaking ones. I smile, feeling warm and happy at the thought of standing in that courtroom later today with Eric, Jen, and Maya and watching the judge declare them an official family.
“There you are, Hallie girl.”
“What?”
“Your smile. The real one. I haven’t seen it in a couple of days. I missed seeing you happy. Are you doing okay after last night?”
“I’m fine. I was just tired and stressed. Yesterday was such a long day, and I needed some time to recharge. And a decent sleep in your cloud bed didn’t hurt either.”
