Page 77 of Because of You
“I wish you would.”
I grab my coffee and take a sip before I dive in. “I was happy yesterday morning. After our date, waking up with you. I was just… happy.” He smiles at me and starts stroking his thumb along the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist. “I felt good going into work. Molly brought donuts, and I was going to give them a sexy breakfast story.”
“Sexy breakfast story, huh?” Ben grins at me.
“It’s a girl thing. Deal with it, Benji. Anyway, then Julie came down, and I decided to just tell them all before we did anything else.” I skip over the part where Julie came down because Molly dragged her down to talk about how in love with Ben I am. “I told them about Charlie retiring and making me the offer to take overhis adoption practice. The first thing Julie said was no. Just, no, this isn’t happening. She called it my little adoption law hobby.”
“Fucking hell, Jules,” Ben mutters.
“Every part of me wanted to shut down. I hate confrontation, and I hate disappointing my friends. But this is so important to me, Ben. I want this, so I made myself tell her that. I mentioned I had been unhappy with estate planning for a while. That I would regret it if I didn’t do it. I told her I wanted to see it through, and that I would do whatever I could to make it work. And she said…” I stop, trying to get my shit together. “She said…” I try again and fail, tears burning my eyes again.
Ben puts his coffee on the table and takes my other hand in his, swinging both legs up onto the couch so he is fully facing me.
“It’s ok, Hal. You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, it’ll be fine. I swear it will.”
I take a deep breath and try again. “She called me selfish for asking. She said that it’s enough that I’m leaving her to be with you. I can’t leave her at work too. She said if I do this, then she and I are done. And then she stormed out.” My voice breaks on the last word. My stomach roils, and my hands are cold and clammy, shaking at the thought of losing Julie forever.
Ben grips my hands so tightly that my knuckles are turning white. His jaw is clenched, his eyes stormy with anger. He closes them for a few seconds and takes a couple of deep breaths, like he’s trying to get himself under control. When he opens his eyes, he’s a little calmer, his grip on my hands looser.
“Hallie, I’m sorry that she said all of that. You are the very best friend Julie could ever ask for. You are so good to her. More than she deserves sometimes. Definitely more than she deserves after her little performance yesterday. I love my sister, but I want to throttle her right now. You don’t have a selfish bone in your body. You give and give and give. You do everything for everyone. You aren’t wrong to want this. You have to know that.”
“I do know that. But is it even worth it? If it’s going to cause all this tension and make everyone so angry, maybe it’s better to just stay the course.”
“I think you may have skipped a part of the story, so let me ask you something. How did Emma and Molly react?”
I shrug. “They were good, actually. They said they thought I should do it. That we would make it work. I had a bunch of messages from them after I left yesterday, but I didn’t get them until this morning.”
“Hallie, Julie doesn’t own you, and she doesn’t own your firm. The four of you went into this as equal partners. You went into it to have control over your lives and your careers that you didn’t have when you were working at a firm for someone else. Is switching your practice a big change? Sure. But it seems like following your passion is exactly the point of what you’re all trying to do.”
“It is. But still.” I sigh and burrow deeper into the couch. “I tried texting Julie this morning and she left me on read. What if she never talks to me again? I get to have the career I want, but I lose my best friend in the process?”
I huff out a breath and drop my head back.“This is so fucked up.”
“It really is, but you don’t need to make any decisions right now. I know Charlie doesn’t expect that. Take a couple of days. Get a little farther away from the fight. Julie will come around. I promise.”
I lean into Ben then. I thought I was done crying, but when he wraps his arm around me and tugs me closer, tears fall all over again. He just holds me, wiping them away, whispering how it’s all going to be okay, and how he’s not going anywhere. And my chest aches because I love him so damn much, and I just hate this for him.
“I’m sorry that all I’m doing is crying all over you. I’m sure you’re regretting all the life choices that led you to this place, where your girlfriend is crying because your sister is a shithead. I hate that you’re stuck between us now. That really sucks, and I never wanted to put you in that position. You have given me so much over these past few weeks, and I haven’t given you nearly enough. Bet you didn’t realize what a chaos agent you were getting yourself involved with.”
He sits up then, spinning around to face me.
“Hallie, listen to me. There is nowhere I would rather be than here. I’ve told you a million times, I see you, Hallie girl, and I know you. I know every damn thing about you, and it all only makes me want you more. There is nothing you could say or do to make me stop wanting you. You’re sad right now because you have a soft heart and Julie dented it. It’s hard for you to let it out when you’re feeling sad. You don’t like showing anyone that side of you. But Hallie, I am the luckiest guy on earth because you show it to me. I am so lucky to just be sitting here next to you, holding you when you’re sad.
“And Hallie, you have given me plenty. Being with you makes me feel fucking invincible. Because of you, I feel like it’s okay to just be me – the Pittsburgh boy who owns a Pittsburgh bar. Who doesn’t want to be famous or well known or own bars all around the country or travel the world. Who wants a quiet life in the city he loves with the people he loves.”
He pauses then and seems to consider his next words.
“Maybe this isn’t the right time, and maybe it’s too soon, but fuck it. This is happening. I loveyouHallie. I’min lovewith you. I want to go to sleep with you every night and wake up every morning with you in my arms. I want to make your coffee just how you like it every day and make sure you eat breakfast so you don’t get hangry and yell at everyone at work. I want to stock the kitchen with Diet Pepsi and Cheez-Its for your Couch Time andfill up your ridiculously huge cups with ice water every night. I want to kiss you and fight with you and fuck you and wipe your tears and be your soft place to land. I want to lean on you and let you lean on me, and I want to hear every single thought you have because your mind is brilliant and fascinating and so damn beautiful. I want to build a whole life with you and make a family with you one day because my love for you is so enormous that it needs more places to go. I have been in love with you since we were eighteen. I was born to love you, and you were made for me to love. I swear that I will love you for the rest of this lifetime and on into whatever comes next. You are mine, Hallie girl, and I have never been, will never be, anything but yours.”
I stare at him, trying to suck in a breath, but his words make my lungs shut right down. Those fucking tears fill my eyes again.
“I love you too,” I whisper, the tears spilling over.
Has emotional whiplash ever killed anyone? Because I am so sad, but his words filled me with more happiness than I have ever felt in my whole damn life.
“God, Ben, I love you so much. I don’t care if it’s fast. I’m a mess today, but I want it too. All of it. Everything. I want everything with you.”
His breath comes out in a whoosh before his whole face transforms into a grin. He pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me.
