Page 39 of Because of You
“I think I’m ready to talk about it now.”
“Talk about what?”
“The firm. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was wondering if maybe it was the wrong choice. I wasn’t ready to talk about it then, but I am now.”
“Then I’m ready to listen.” He swings around and I do the same so we’re facing each other, cross-legged, our knees touching. He reaches out and gently pulls my hands from the wrist holes of my sweatshirt, lacing our fingers together but saying nothing. He is giving me the space to say what I need, and I love him for it.
“It started a year ago when we began getting serious with our planning. The girls were all so excited about it and I just…wasn’t.Not the way I had been whenever we talked about it before. It was a busy time at work, so I thought maybe that was it, but even when things calmed down, the excitement just never came.” I suck in a breath. This is more than I have ever said about the way I’ve been feeling, and I need a minute.
Ben keeps his steady gaze on mine, and it gives me the courage to keep going. I straighten my shoulders and take a deep breath, steeling my nerves to tell him all of it.
“Julie, Molly, and Emma were forging on ahead, making plans, and slowly starting to put out feelers to their clients to see which ones would follow them, so I did the same. We all kept meeting and planning, and looking for office space. And don’t get me wrong, I love being with them and doing something together. I like building something with them, but I could never quite recapture that happiness and excitement I had when we talked about it before.”
“Before you started planning?”
“Exactly. It was like every step we took that got us closer to the end, the more anxious I got. But the hell of it was, I could never figure out the why of it all, you know? It was like my instincts were screaming at me that this wasn’t the right thing, but I didn’t know what the right thing was. I couldn’t figure out what was making me so anxious.”
“Which made you more anxious.”
I smile at him, relieved he gets it. “Yeah. It was an anxiety spiral I couldn’t get myself out of, and couldn’t figure it out. Part of me thought that maybe it was the change of leaving my firm and striking out on my own because I hate change and it’s hard for me. But that wasn’t it.”
“You keep saying you didn’t know what was keeping you from going all in. Does that mean you know now?”
“Jesus, you’re good.”
“I’m not, really. I just listen when you talk.”
I squeeze his hand in gratitude for that and keep going because now that I’m talking, it’s like I need to purge it all from my system. “I figured it out the day of Maya’s adoption hearing. I was sitting in the courtroom, watching Eric, Jen, and Maya together, seeing their faces when the judge declared them officially a family, and it hit me. I’ve been practicing trusts & estates law for five years and doing adoption work with Callahan on the side. I guess I went with the flow, assuming that I would continue on that path forever. And that was fine until it wasn’t. It’s not fine anymore.
“Working on Maya’s case made me realize it. I don’t want to be an estate planning attorney anymore, Ben. I want to practice family law. And not just a couple hours a month when Callahan has some overflow they don’t have time for. I want to do it all the time. Every day. I loved working with the Caseys, and I have loved every single case I’ve ever worked on with Callahan. Even the hard ones. I want to make families. I want to make sure that kids who wind up in the system are safe and cared for. I want to help parents find the children they are meant to have. There aren’t enough lawyers doing this kind of work, and I feel called to do it in a way that I have never felt called to anything. It's what I was meant to do, Benji. I know it for sure.”
He looks at me, eyes blazing. “Then you should do it, Hal. You need to do it.”
“You know it’s not that easy. I’m in the final stages of opening a law firm with my three best friends where we are practicing private client law. I have clients following me to my new firm who are expecting me to be doing the work they have been paying me to do for years. How am I supposed to tell the girls that I’m backing out? Especially Julie. This means so much to her. She’ll never forgive me, Ben. But if I don’t explore this, I might never forgive myself.”
My voice cracks on the last word, and tears spill down my cheeks. All the bravery that pushed my truth out disappears at the thought of either disappointing the three women who mean the most to me or letting go of the dream I didn’t even know I had.
Ben drags me between his legs and gathers me up, wrapping me in his warm arms. I cry it out against his chest as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head.
He whispers things like, “I’m here,” and “I’ve got you,” and “You’re safe,” and “Let it go, Hallie.” The relief of someone else knowing my deepest secret—and that someone else being him—is both heady and draining. When my tears finally dry up, I sit up and face Ben again.
“So that’s it. That’s all of it. I want to do something else, but I went ahead with plans for the firm and never said anything to any of them. My friends mean everything to me, and I would never want to hurt them, make them angry, or get in the way of our friendship.”
Ben takes my hands in his again.
“Hallie, one of the best things about you is that you are so damn loyal. You are such a good friend, and you take care of everyone, all the time. You remember everyone’s birthdays, and doctor’s appointments, and work milestones. You take people dinner when they’re sick and buy their favorite candy when they’ve had a bad day and check-in when they have a doctor’s appointment. And you never ask for anything in return. Most people around you, my sister included, think you don't need or want help or support. But that’s not true, is it?”
I shake my head slowly.
“I know it isn’t. You have spent so much time worrying about everyone else and holding in all of your thoughts and your truths. You bend over backwards to make sure no one ever worries about you because it’s hard for you to open yourselfup to other people. And anger isn’t an emotion that you are particularly comfortable with, so you would rather go with the flow than change direction if that is what makes the people in your life happy.”
I just stare at him, strangely stunned and entirely unsurprised he has me pegged so well.
“But, Hallie, I’m going to say some things now, and I need you to really hear me, okay?”
I nod.
He looks at me with an intensity that turns his clear blue eyes practically navy. “It’s okay to lean on the people who love you. You can ask for their support or their help or for whatever damn thing you need. They’ll give it to you because they love you and because that’s what family does. You can want things and plan for your own future, even if that future looks different than you thought it might. And it’s okay to change your mind and take a new path—even if it disappoints the people in your life. Even if one of those people is my sister who you and I both love. Hallie, you are the least selfish person I know, and wanting a new direction for your career isn’t wrong. It’s life. And yeah, Jules might get mad because it upsets her grand plan. But that’s not on you. That’s on her, and she’ll get over it.”
