Page 76 of Starstruck
I take a deep breath and run back onstage. The crowd chants my name, and I soak in the way it makes me feel. The stage is my safe space, and I’ll never get sick of the feeling I get when I’m performing.
“Alright, Indy, one more for my favourite crowd,” I say into the mic, repeating the mantra I spew to every audience, making them all feel special, and they cheer in response. I signal to the guys to play, and then the intro for one of my most popular songs, “With You,” begins. It’s the song I always close with, and the only one I’ve ever written with my mom in mind.
I grab the microphone and say, “This one’s for my mom.” I point up at the sky as the crowd goes wild again, and then I let the lyrics pour out of me.
In the gentle cadence of the lullaby you used to sing
A melody that once promised forever, now a broken wing.
Through the faded scent of your perfume in the air
I'm reaching for your presence, but you’re not there.
The room is getting colder, the walls are closing in
In the emptiness of this place, where do I begin?
I can still see your face in the dark night’s blue,
With a longing ache, I wish to be with you.
I get lost in the lyrics and the vibration of my vocal cords. I bask in the warmth of the lights beating down on me, appreciating the sound of the audience singing along.
This is my moment, and no one can steal it from me.
As the song comes to an end, applause erupts around me. I wave and shout, “Thank you, Indy! I’ll be back!” before running offstage, followed by Colt and Levi.
We hand our instruments off to crew members to be put back into storage before making our way to the crowd of backstage-passholders. I sign a few autographs and take a few pictures before calling it quits and heading to the green room. Falling onto the couch, I pull out a smoke as Levi tosses us each a beer from the mini fridge.
“Well, that’s another show for the books. How’re you feeling?” Colt asks, taking the seat across from me.
I shrug, a puff of smoke falling from my lips. “Pretty good. Felt like the old me out there.”
“Acted like it, too,” Levi jokes as he lights his own cigarette.
Sixteen out of twenty-six shows are officially over. Nearly two-thirds of the way through the tour.
And honestly, the last ten shows can’t come soon enough.
I used to live for performing. I never cared much about the making of music as much as I did performing it. I’ve always loved what I do, I love my fans, and I love how my fans love me. I wasn’t lying when I said I felt like myself again tonight, and I think hearing Lennon come for me over the phone earlier had something to do with it.
But for the past few shows, I’ve been desperate for this tour to be over. Since the tour began, my head has been a mess. Every show has gone off without a hitch and the crowds are none the wiser, butIknow. I’ve been off my game since the tour started back up. And now that tonight’s show is said and done, I’m back to wishing for it to end.
It’s an unwelcome feeling. I’ve never been one to turn down a chance to put on a show. It’s what I was made to do, and I’m one of the lucky bastards who gets to do it for a living. So there’s absolutely no reason why I’m so over this leg of the tour. Except for the fact that I was supposed to have completed this tour by early December last year—over six months ago—and now I’m back to doing two or three shows per night in random cities across central and northeast US for a bunch of songs I’m no longer focused on.
My mind is elsewhere. My new album has been my priority these last several months, along with a certain brunette who consumes my every thought.
The truth is, I’d rather be back in Toronto helping Lennon plan the benefit concert.
Because that’s a show that means something. These ones…they don’t.
And it feels stupid to be wasting what little time Lennon and Iagreed to be friends with benefits for by being on tour, but I didn’t have much of a choice. My fans have been counting on me—waiting for these shows since they were postponed last October.
I’ll push through it. There are only two weeks left. Then I’ll be home and preparing for the benefit concert and spending as much time as possible drowning myself in Lennon before she inevitably calls us quits.
Though with each day that passes, I’m praying more and more that she won’t.
Maybe Colt was right.
