Page 168 of Gym Bros
The texts Marcus and I exchanged weren’t even all that revealing, but I suppose they were revealing enough, and Samuel’s always suspected his dad was up to something.
Marcus called me angel in one of them.
I feel sick, but I’m afraid to move. I’m cold despite the blanket I’ve pulled over my head.
I expect the tears, and when they come, they pour. Hetrustedme. He was in love with me, and I let him fall because I was in sodeep already. I could have stopped it at any time. I could have ended it before it even began.
But no one’s ever gotten under my skin so quickly and completely as Samuel did. I still feel him there, keeping me alive and burning me up.
I’m disgusting because I stupidly allowed myself to believe the coast was clear. That Marcus and I had talked, and both of us came to the conclusion that no one ever had to know. I forgot that Samueldeservedto know. Not about his father—I hate that he knows his father isn’t faithful—but thatIwas part of it. That I selfishly dove head first into someone else’s self-destruction without a second thought. The fact that sleeping with married men was meaningless to me until now when my lies are stripping away the most meaningful relationship in my life. The best thing I’ve ever had.
Falling for Samuel was always a risk, and I’m one of those risk averse people, but for Samuel, it feels like I jumped from a plane. I thought the parachute opened, but maybe it was shot through with holes, and I amplummeting.
It’s an hour or more before I know who I need to talk to. To be clear, I don’t want to talk to anyone, but at some point I’ll need to face Samuel. Not because I think I can fix anything, but because he deserves an apology, and I need to hear whatever he has to say.
It’s the literal least I can offer him, but it’s also all I have to give.
I expect Ryan to show up alone, but Malcolm is with him. I’m closer with Rachel and Priya, but the I-told-you-so’s aren’t what I need tonight. I need someone who’s forgiven someone else for the worst thing they could have done to him.
And that’s Ryan.
I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have Malcolm here—since he was the one asking for forgiveness. And he got it.
I refuse to take any hope from their story though. Their connection is deep and long, and a lot of time passed before they were able to make amends and fall in love.
I’m surprised, though, when they surround me on the couch, putting me in the middle of their semi-permanent cuddle. I must look really pathetic. Ryan’s got his arm around my back, and Mal’s is wrapped around my waist with his head on my shoulder. It feels pretty good, I have to admit. They’re not Samuel, but they are warm and very skilled at snuggling.
“When did the thing with Marcus start?” Mal asks.
“A few years ago. We had this one long weekend in Milan where it was pretty constant, but since then we only hook up every few months. When we travel together or when he’s in town. I’ve never gone out of my way to see him or anything, but I never said no, either. It wasn’t…I mean, I was attracted, but I wasn’t looking for anything with him.”
“When was the last time?” Ryan asks.
“A day or two before I met Sam. He asked me to help him rehab his leg.”
“Right, I remember,” Ryan says.
“I knew—I fuckingknewhe was off limits, and he wasn’t my type at all. It felt like a non-issue.”
“Why’d you decide not to tell him?” Mal asks.
The question makes tears stream down my face because I think I know when that was. I think it was on the carousel. I wasn’t sure in that moment when Samuel made me laugh and feel like a teenager on a date that I’d soon become so overwhelmingly attracted to him that I wouldn’t be able to moderate my behavior. I thought at the time I had more self-control.
But itwasthe moment where I decided I wanted him to keep trying. I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want him to think I was an asshole anymore, and I didn’t want to keep pushing him away.
“I’ve never met anybody like him, you know? The people I meet, they’re all about parties and selfies and looking perfect. Sam is just—he’s just so unapologetically himself. He cares what other people think until he doesn’t. And he knows what he wants—he’s not here bumbling around trying to figure it out and waiting for a lucky break. He’s working for it. And he’s sweet, and he’s funny, and he made me feel like I was one of those things worth fighting for, too. No one’s ever made me feel like that.” As I speak, I’m sobbing, and my voice is moving into a high register. I take a break to turn my face into Ryan’s chest and sob.
Mal rubs my chest and tells me to let it out.
Like anything could stop me from doing that.
“You’re gonna talk to him?” Ryan asks eventually.
“I have to.”
“It’s not like you cheated on him, Calyx,” Mal says.
“But his dad cheated. And with me.”
