Page 20 of Grissom
Great. Just great. Grissom had to get ahead of the mess he’d created before Tanner started crying, too.
“Because I hurt her feelings,” Grissom admitted, shifting Luke higher up on his shoulder to make more room for Tuesday. She’d wormed her palms between him and her, and those hands were right then pushing him away. Grissom knew he’d never get another chance to, at least, be her friend if he let her go now.
“No, you didn’t, Mr. McCoy,” she protested, her voice tight and her hands firm on his chest. Which he wished were there because of something more than the sadness radiating off her. “I’m okay, Luke. I just… got something in my eye, and it’s time I went h-home.”
He wasMr. McCoyagain. Damn it. What would’ve been so wrong with her coming on a simple horseback ride with him and his boys? Why’d he panic? It’s not like that would’ve meant they were on their way to the altar or anything. Why had he screwed up a simple outing by thinking of himself instead of his boys? Or her? Grissom didn’t fully understand why he’d freaked, but he needed to. Because, right then and there, with her in one arm and Luke in the other, he knew damned well that letting Tuesdaygo would be the biggest mistake of his life. He’d never be whole again, and for whatever reason, that was how he felt with her up close and personal like she currently was. Whole for the first time in his life. Not broken. Not even missing any pieces.
“What’d you do to her, Dad?” Tanner snapped. “Now she doesn’t want to go to breakfast with us, and I’m hungry, and I…”
His bottom lip quivered and Grissom wanted to kick his own ass. These boys loved Tuesday. She’d been their sole refuge during the worst time in their lives, and they adored her. What would they have done without her? They’d been alone with two monsters until Tuesday showed up. He should’ve paid more attention, to that and to them and—
“And I love her more than you!” Tanner yelled, his eyes watering. “She’s never been mean to me. Not once!”
“Tanner,” Tuesday said gently, while she did precisely what Grissom was worried she’d do, shifted sideways and out of his grip. “Don’t say that, honey. Your dad’s not being mean to you. Look at him, sweetheart. He adores you and your brother, and he’d be lost without you guys.”
Without glancing at his dad, Tanner tipped out of his saddle and fell into Tuesday’s arms. “I don’t wanna look at him. I’m mad at him,” he cried, his arms a noose around her neck. “I don’t want you to go. You just got here. Please, don’t leave me again.”
Shit. Tanner needed Tuesday more than he needed his dad? Didn’t that make Grissom feel like a douchebag? Oh, yeah…
It was going to hurt like a mother, but he might as well tear the Band-Aid off and man up. “Tanner, you’re right. I hate to admit it, but” —he finally caught Tuesday’s eye— “I haven’t been very polite today.”And I’m not really sure why. Am I scared? Hell yeah, I’m scared. Not of her but… Shit. I’m just worried, that’s all. That’s what I do best. I worry. And now I’m talking to myself…
Tanner wiped his teary face and then smeared his wet fingers on his pant leg. “Is it PTSD, Dad? Did you have a panic attack like I do sometimes?” he asked between hiccups. “Is that why you thought you had to be mean?” Then to Tuesday, he said, “I get mean with Luke sometimes when I git attacks. I think I know what Dad’s feeling.”
Grissom’s cheeks puffed with a heartfelt sigh. Weren’t they a pair, him with his mixed-up memories, and poor Tanner with his mommy-induced panic attacks? Obviously, there were no secrets in the McCoy household, not since family counseling began. Not since Grissom decided the best way forward for him and his boys was to be totally honest with them. Not with the horrors or atrocities of war, they didn’t need that crap in their little heads. But by admitting how worried he was sometimes, and that, yes, it was okay for guys to cry, and sometimes, even tough Army guys needed hugs. It was urgently important to Grissom that his sons understood why he woke up yelling in the middle of the night sometimes, and that when he did, it wasn’t because they’d done anything wrong. Nothing that had happened in Costa Rica was their fault. If anyone was to blame, he was. And yes, Ms. Ashlee Peyton, their family counselor, would surely argue with him over that. Grissom also knew he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to his boys for staying married to their mother as long as he had.
“Say you’re sorry, Daddy,” the baby tyrant in the family demanded, from high on Grissom’s shoulder.
Setting Luke’s feet on the ground, Grissom winked at his youngest, then did as he was told and took a step toward Tuesday and Tanner. “I made a mistake,” he admitted. “I… I did panic, that’s true, and I made you feel bad.” He drew in a belly full of air and continued. “My boys have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and so do I. There are things I may never remember, and some shit I’ll never forget. I have triggers, and living with meis tough on Tanner and Luke. Nothing about me is easy, but I’m doing everything I can for them, and for me, too. And today…” He drew in a deep breath. “I don’t really know you, and, shit, I’m not good with women.”
“Ask me anything,” Tuesday said quietly. “I’ve been in the press enough. I have no secrets.”
He nodded at her, like the big dumb ox he was. “Yeah, but the press never gets anything right.”
“And they invent stories. After all, lies sell more newspapers, not truth.”
She had him there. Grissom ran a hand over his scruffy chin, not sure what to do or say next.
“I love you, Dad,” Tanner said tearfully, “and I’m sorry I said I didn’t.”
Thank heaven for his sons. Grissom walked over to Tuesday and ruffled his fingers through his son’s dark hair. “I know you love me, and it’s okay to get mad. We’ve talked about that. It’s better to vent instead of holding everything in until we explode, huh? Just remember that what we say when we’re angry can be hurtful, too.”
“I know, Dad. Like what Mom used to… to say to me,” Tanner’s voice cracked.
The poor kid stretched both arms out for his dad, and Grissom pulled him carefully away from Tuesday. He didn’t want to make her feel bad, but the moment Tanner was in his arms again, a sigh of contentment groaned out of him. “Your mom was sick, kiddo. Sick and mean and bitter, and nothing she did was ever your fault. Stick with me. We might say things we don’t mean sometimes, but we’re going to get through this, I promise. I’ve got your six, and I know you’ve got mine, buddy. We’re going to be okay.”
Tanner wiped his face again, then lifted his eyes back to Tuesday. Grissom had to give her credit for not leaving. TheMcCoy family was a mess. They might look like dapper cowboys on the outside, especially dressed like they were today. But inside, he and his boys were dealing with a shit-ton of crap and would be for months, maybe years. Yet there she stood waiting and, if the expression on her face was an indication, she wasn’t going anywhere.
“I have triggers too, Tuesday, but Dad doesn’t never get mad when I… when I…” Poor Tanner paled at what he’d nearly admitted.
Grissom’s gaze narrowed down on Tuesday. Surely, she already knew Tanner wet the bed. He was getting better, but night terrors still ravaged his self-esteem and accidents still happened.
Damned if she didn’t step in close enough to cup Tanner’s quivering jaw. “We all have secrets, sweetheart,” she said softly, “and I’ll keep yours forever. They’ll always be locked up safe in my heart, and I wouldn’t trade a second of our time together for anything. Deal?”
Just that fast, all that pent-up tension melted out of Tanner. “Thank you,” he whispered. “You always been so nice to me and Luke, and if you hafta go now, I’ll be sad, but I’ll never, ever forget you.”
“She’s not going anywhere,” Grissom declared, facing the woman his boys loved. “The McCoy family is a work in progress. We’re men, not girls. We argue and fight, but I hope you’ll join us for breakfast. Let me make it up to you?”
“Dad’s right. We’re getting better every day,” Tanner said fiercely. “And before long, we’re gonna be better than we ever, ever were.”
