Page 11 of Grissom
A trickle of wet warmth seeped from his oldest son, over Grissom’s thigh and onto his pajama bottoms. Instead of shoving Tanner aside and yelling at the sound-asleep child, Grissom calmly smoothed a hand down his boy’s back and whispered, “Hey, bud. Time to get up.”
Tanner was a dead-to-the-world kind of sleeper. Two bleary, brown eyes flickered open, but Grissom knew he wasn’t quite yet conscious. First, he got a crooked, groggy smile. Then a wide-eyed shocked, “Oh, no! I gotta get up, Dad! No, no, no!”
Grissom kept his hand right where it was, holding his panic-stricken son to him as if nothing was wrong. “No worries, Scooter. You’re okay. Just take it nice and slow.”
“But I’m…” Tears replaced the shock as raw humiliation rolled over him. “I gotta go right now. I’m… I’m… Dad!”
Grissom leaned into his oldest son’s panic-stricken face and placed a kiss on his now sweaty forehead. “Calm down, Tanner. It’s okay. If you’re getting up, I’m getting up with you. But don’t you dare think anything’s your fault, because it’s not. It’s natural, kiddo, especially after all the crap you’ve been through. So take a deep breath and don’t stress over something you can’t help. Just let it go and we’ll clean up later, okay?” Releasing Tanner, Grissom climbed out of bed, then stopped at their shared dresser on his way to the ensuite head and grabbed clean underwear and pajamas for them both. Accidents happened. No. Big. Deal.
By the time Grissom quietly shut the door to the head behind him and Tanner, his poor kid was in front of the toilet, tears dripping off his chin, with his wet pajama bottoms circling his bare feet. “You want help or would you rather take care of things yourself?” he asked patiently.
That was all it took for Tanner to kick out of his bottoms and barrel head-first into his dad. “I’m sorry I peed on you,” he cried into Grissom’s belly. “I didn’t mean to. I won’t never do it again. I… I promise. Honest, Dad,” he managed between hiccups.
Scooping his half-dressed six-year-old into his arms, Grissom sat on the edge of the tub and held Tanner’s wet little bottom on his peed-on pajama-clad knee. Shaken to his core at the panic pouring out of this poor kid, Grissom reached for the thick, white towel hanging on the towel bar overhead and wrapped Tanner in it.
“Let me tell you a secret, kiddo,” he whispered into Tanner’s trembling head. “There isn’t a man alive who hasn’t peed on himself or his buddies when he’s stressed or afraid or” —God, Grissom hoped not— “hurt. Trust me. Some things scare the crap out of all us guys. Sometimes we know what’s scaring us, sometimes we don’t. And pee washes off. Heck, it’s mostly water, nothing to be ashamed of. But if something’s scaring you, I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk about it. Every time. Anytime. Don’t think you have to hide any stuff from your old dad. If you’re worried or frightened, bring it to me and we’ll talk it out. I’ll listen. Every time. Anytime. You already know I’ll never hurt you, right?”
“Yeah,” Tanner breathed shakily. “I know, Dad.” His cheeks ballooned with a big puff of air before he asked on a long nervous breath, “Where’s Mom? Is she here? You’re not gonna tell her I peed on you, are you? Please don’t. It’ll just make her mad, and she’ll... and she’ll…”
Grissom didn’t miss the outright terror in his son’s innocent question. “How long has she been hitting you?” he asked, forcing calm into his tone, despite the violent rage percolating beneath the surface. Rage at his dead damned wife.
Tanner shrugged. “Forever, I guess. She likes Luke, but she hates me. She told me if I ever told you, she’d kill Luke and make me watch, and I really like Luke, Dad. I don’t want her to hurt him, too!” He ended on a terrified whine that pierced Grissom’s soul.
Damn her! Damn her to hell.
His jaw shifted to one side, a nervous tick he’d developed as a kid living with an abusive mother. Focusing on breathing, he needed to regain his control, for Tanner’s sake. Poor kid didn’t need to witness a full-grown male’s temper tantrum. But damn. Grissom’s mother had only hit his dad, not him. She’d always laughed it off, as if her slaps and punches were nothing more than rough-natured jokes. But Grissom had seen the bleak stares from his dad after those unexpected strikes. How he’d taken every abusive hit or kick she’d dished out in stride. How he’d always made excuses for her.‘It’s okay, son. She doesn’t mean anything by it,’or the old standby,‘It’s just the way she is.’They’d been Grissom’s role models for parenthood, and for too long, he’d put up with Pam’s abuse. Never again. He understood now. He was just like his dad.
Funny how it took sitting there with his traumatized son on his lap before Grissom realized he was the byproduct of a long line of spousal abuse. It had been passed from his mother’s mother, his grandmother—to him. Well, it ended here. Right. Damned. Now.
Looking up to the ceiling, Grissom couldn’t help it. He was damned thankful Pamela and her asshat boyfriend hadn’t survived the crash. Made a man believe in the whole‘finger of God’reckoning thing. That maybe He actually was watching overmankind, that He did reach down once in a while to interfere in people’s lives. That maybe, He who had made blind men see and the lame walk, had finally opened Grissom’s eyes.
“Your mother isn’t here, Tanner,” he murmured softly, “and I’ve never, ever told her anything you told me. Whatever happened when she wasn’t around stayed between you and me, and that’s a promise. She did some things on her vacation to Costa Rica that…”Got her killed. “… didn’t work out so good for her. She’s gone for good, kiddo. You’ll never see her again.”
“Really? She’s never coming back?” Were those eyebrows raised with relief, and was that breathless little boy question tinged with hope?
“Never,” Grissom confirmed solemnly. “Talk to me whenever you’re ready, okay? About anything and everything you want. I’ll listen because I love you, kiddo. Simple as that.” As if he needed to prove what he said, Grissom snuggled Tanner under his chin. “Understand, Scooter?”
“Yeah,” Tanner breathed shakily. His heart still pounded like a mother, though.
To change the subject, Grissom said, “Let’s get you into the tub for a quick rinse, then into clean PJs, okay?”
“But Dad…” Tanner blew out a long, slow breath. “I want you to know that… that she… she hit me. A lot. Like every time I had a… a accident. She’d slap my head and yell at me, and it always hurt and…” The story this poor boy had kept to himself for too long spilled out between hiccups and tears. “The last time, the time Miss Tuesday fighted with Mom, Mom was screaming at Mr. Estes to… deal with me. She said she was sick of me, and he… and he…”
Grissom gritted his teeth so hard, he heard a molar crack. If there were any way possible, he’d march into Hell and kill Estes again. He’d wring the bastard’s neck! Then Pam’s!
“And he grabbed me and he made me go outside with him, and I was ascared, and then he… he hanged me upside down, D-Dad. Over the railing. He shaked me real hard, and he said if I… if I ever peed my bed again, he’d drop me on my big, dumb head down to the parking lot. I don’t mean to, Dad. Honest. I can’t help it. I try real hard, but when I’m asleep, I…” Tanner covered his eyes with both hands and burst into tears. “I can’t help it,” he sobbed, shaking with shame. “I’m a stupid kid just like Mom says.”
How many times had Grissom been told the exact same thing by his mother? Too many.
Enough!
“Don’t believe anything your mother ever said, son. You’re not stupid; she is. You’re smart and compassionate, and I’m so damned glad you were there to protect your little brother. Luke needed you, understood?”
“Uh-huh,” Tanner murmured, as Grissom held his trembling boy flat against his heart, pissed at Pam for always being a bitch. He was as bad as his dad, and so damned grateful for that Tuesday woman, whose last name he couldn’t recall. Wasn’t sure he’d even heard it. His entire focus had been on his boys that day in Costa Rica, and once he’d found them, the rest of the world had disappeared. His ears had stopped working and his heart had taken over. Nothing and no one else had mattered. Still didn’t. Just Tanner. Just Luke.
It might be nice to send her a sincere thank-you note or something, though. Maybe a small bouquet of flowers. Pam had never liked anything he’d given her, but maybe that Tuesday woman was different. Maybe she would like flowers. She’d already proven she was brave and strong enough to face two heartless bullies. The least he could do was send her a thank-you note. Make that a text. Thank-you notes required addresses and stamps and…
Yeah, no. He didn’t need to start something with a woman he’d never see again.
