Page 81 of Surfaces
I don’t rememberwhat speech I gave, something vague about justice and seeking out those responsible. The words didn’t matter, because they were broken up by sobs from the crowd and interrupted so often by my own attempts not to completely erupt.
It was Sahar who helped keep us all together. She and Lizza.
The undead mage and Posey gathered together the soldiers to carefully remove any fish bodies to a safe distance.
Sahar and I led another group up to the top of the waves to collect the bodies. I latched onto Julian’s hand as my vision blurred and a cold, open hole formed in my ribs—a feeling of emptiness, the utter loss of all the potential he had, all the good he’d been capable of…even a melting sort of sorrow at the loss of his smile.
I hadn’t fallen in love with Julian—not by any means—but the misery of losing him was so intense that it almost felt as if I had.
I pulled him in to hug him, one last goodbye, and was startled to find resistance.
My weeping eyes looked across his body to see Stavros clutching his other hand, blue eyes wet and wide, his eyelashes clumped together by teardrops.
We shared a long look of grief for the man between us. Something happened during that look, something monumental. Stavros had always been shy but clever, one of the men I’d thought had potential, but hadn’t yet been able to find that sense of connection. In that moment, I found it. It felt as if our souls united, grief tethering us as we clutched at Julian and unwished the prior hour—we begged the universe to reverse time and undo this truth.
I tried to speak several times, but couldn’t, sorrow squeezing my throat so hard I thought I might choke.
Julian—who’d never gotten to reconcile with his family… Julian—who’d never get to perform one of the live surgeries he insisted would revolutionize the world… Julian was gone.
I dropped Julian’s cold hand and swam over to Stavros, clutching him instead, wrapping my arms around his waist as I gave into this grief that felt like it was swallowing me whole, as if a whale had opened up his giant maw and gulped, enveloping me in darkness.
Stavros’s arms slowly came around me and together we cried until our throats were raw, until the other bodies were gone, all taken away to be prepared for funerary rites. We clutched each other until I felt purged and empty.
That’s when I drew back and looked into Stavros’s face, his beautiful even features.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I said. “I know you two had become close.”
He shook his head disbelievingly. “I… have you ever met someone who was so incredible that you thought they might change the course of your life?”
I blinked, stunned. I had realized they’d formed a friendship, but I hadn’t known how deep it had run.
I nodded, because Mateo had been that for me. An instant friend, a partner in crime.
Stavros’s gaze drifted back to Julian’s and he said gruffly, “For a second, I thought things might be different.”
I stared at Stavros for a moment, studying the gentle lines of his face. His eyes studied me softly and gently, before darting down so that his wet lashes brushed his cheeks.
He looked so handsome. He was being utterly vulnerable with me. I felt a connection with him, we were bonded by grief.
But not by attraction.
For a moment, I forgot the world around us—the sadness and rage we’d have to deal with, the fear that would lurk in every shadow going forward. That all faded as frustration with myself came to the forefront.
Why couldn’t I be drawn to him the way that I was to Watkins or Valdez? Why couldn’t I find his softer nature refreshing and kind? I’d fallen for Mateo. And he was sweet-hearted. Of course, I’d fallen for him first, when I was just a girl, before I’d faced darkness and transformed.
And he’d changed in the mountains. Mateo had grown and evolved. He wasn’t quite as innocent anymore. Neither of us were. It was practically a miracle that Mateo and I reconnected the way we did and still fit together with all our jagged edges.
I wanted to fall for Stavros, his innocence and sweet honesty in the face of what was probably his first brush with death.
But someone like me could only corrupt shy Stavros. I couldn’t be any good for him.
“This is proof that trying to change is merely a dream, that when you’re already on a path…” Stavros trailed off when he realized I was staring at him. His expression slowly changed. One of his hands left my waist and went up to smudge away the tears that still filled his eyes.
“Majesty, when you look at me like that…I can hardly breathe,” Stavros whispered softly as his eyes grew hooded.
My breath caught when he said that and my stomach swirled with dark uncertainty, then a fierce determination filled me—to keep him, to make him mine, to finish my plan.
Those feelings didn’t even make sense.
