Page 94 of Knightfall
“Calm down and focus,” Connor admonished, after I’d stepped on his toes a third time.
“I shouldn’t be here. I should be out there. I should be chasing that thing,” I gripped his shoulder harder than needed. As if that would somehow convince him to let me go with Ryan and his team, who’d set out to investigate at first light. I’d barely had time to kiss Ryan goodbye before he’d been out the door, heading to a gargoyle to mount up and search the forest and the skies for signs of the beast.
“If you’d just help me convince Wyle to break the distance spell—”
Connor reached up to loosen my grip. He stopped our waltz, no doubt annoying the piano player who’d started and stopped eight times over the course of this lesson already.
Connor gazed steadily at me. “Bloss, Ryan is on this. Quinn’s people are looking into it. I’ve spread rumors that we’ve been doing nightly air patrols. That should douse the mass panic. You need to trust us.”
I wrung my hands, mimicking the feeling in my gut. I was a twisted, gnarled mess inside. “I … I’m not used to doing that,” I confessed, staring at the black and white pattern on the marble floor.
“I’m aware. If you were, you never would have run in the first place.”
I glanced up. “I am sorry.”
He shook his head. “I’m just … so angry at you.” He dropped his grip on me and took a few steps away. He looked at the piano player. “Can we have the room for a few minutes? I’ll fetch you when we’re ready.”
The piano man slunk off in a hurry.
Connor turned back toward me. Without an audience, the anger on his face was blinding. He didn’t bother to contain it. It hit me like a blast of heat, the kind that comes from stepping out of the shade into the midday midsummer sun. I withered.
“You didn’t trust me enough to tell me. You didn’t trust me enough to take care of you, to protect you—”
“I couldn’t—”
He shook his head. “You could have found a way. Look at now. How’d you get the other knights to figure it out?”
“I … but I’m different now. Back then, I was so scared of stepping out of line.”
“You ran away! How much more stepping out of line does it get?”
“I was trying to save everyone.”
“By leaving me? Leaving your other knights? Leaving your mother without an heir? Leaving Evaness without a god-damned queen?” Connor snapped. “You’re so much smarter and better than the rest of us that you didn’t need our help?”
I took a step back. His fury smacked at me. Punched me. Hit me like a plank. My chest felt bruised, beaten. It was hard to take a breath. Because he was right. He was completely and utterly right. I’d been arrogant.
Connor didn’t let up. He had four years of pent up anger, of hurt and loss and self-doubt swirling inside him that needed to pour out. And pour it did. “You think your mother didn’t search for a cure? Are you that stupid? To think that Queen Gela didn’t use every resource she had to help you? She’s always thought of you. Always! She never told me exactly what was wrong, Bloss. But she did take me aside after you left. Told me something wasn’t right with you. I thought she meant not right in the head—which still sarding applies—”
“You’re right.” I sank to the floor and hugged my knees. My head felt hollow. Everything I’d done, and all the reasons I’d had, took on a new light. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I’m sarding right! I know I’m right.”
“I’m sorry.” I dipped my head onto my knees. I clearly pictured each person I’d left behind. And how their life had been made that much harder. Trying to take on my responsibilities, to cover for me, to act as though everything was fine; I’d hurt a lot of people.
Connor came up and loomed over me. “I don’t give a damn that you’re sorry. I don’tbelievethat you’re sorry. If you were, you wouldn’t be thinking about leaving. You’re exactly the same as you used to be. You haven’t grown up at all. You’re a scared little girl who wants to run away and leave everyone behind to pick up the pieces behind you.”
I curled up further, tucking my head and hiding from the truths he hurled at me. It hurt, realizing how wrong I was. It physically cut me. Made me feel ill. I had hurt so many people. So, so many people.
Quinn appeared at the door.
What’s going on?
Connor didn’t respond. He just stomped out, leaving me behind in a broken heap. The irony of it wasn’t lost on me.
Quinn knelt beside me.Are you okay, Dove?
I didn’t answer. I just stared off into space, feeling as jagged and broken as glass.
