Page 80 of Christmas for the Village Midwife
‘She hasn’t said anything to me. I should imagine it depends on what Brett wants to do.’
Zoe didn’t think it ought to matter what Brett wanted to do – if Georgia wanted to attend, then she ought to be able to, regardless. But she also recognised that things might not bethat simple, given what she now knew about their situation and Brett’s issues.
‘An hour wouldn’t kill anyone, would it? I think it would do you all good to get out.’
‘Do you?’ Emilia shot her a wry half-smile before turning back to the road.
‘It isn’t good for anyone to cut themselves off from everyone around them. People want to get to know you.’
‘Well, as long as they get what they want, it doesn’t matter what I want, does it? I suppose I can’t say I wasn’t warned when I took the job.’
Zoe paused and then decided she’d had enough of the cryptic clues. ‘Do you really hate this village so much? Has it been such a bad move for you?’
Emilia’s eyebrows went up. She didn’t answer for a full thirty seconds, and just when Zoe had resigned herself to the most awkward car ride she’d ever had, she finally spoke.
‘No,’ she said. ‘It’s not that, and if I’ve given that impression, I can only apologise. Things have been difficult.’
‘I know; Georgia told me.’
‘Not only for her. I love my job, and perhaps that’s why I take it too seriously. It also feels like the only thing I have left that’s worthwhile in my life.’
‘Why?’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t know that this is the time to talk about it. All I can ask at the moment is that you understand, perhaps make some allowances for me. If I’m obstructive, I don’t mean to be. The only sense of worth I have these days comes from how good a doctor I can be. If people can let me have that, I’ll find my way back eventually.’
Zoe was thoughtful, and the car plunged into silence once more. Where did Emilia need to find her way back from? It was one more mystery. Was it because of the split from her husband?It might be, but Emilia didn’t seem like the sort of woman to let a thing like that get to her. Unless it had been somehow traumatic? Or perhaps she’d loved him more than she’d even let on to Georgia, who hadn’t seemed overly worried when she’d shared her thoughts with Zoe some weeks before.
After a few minutes, she spoke again. She’d been thinking over what Emilia had said about her job and had a sudden epiphany about so much that had gone on over the previous weeks.
‘Did you get to see your urgent patient today?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you told him the bad news?’
‘Yes.’
‘How did he take it?’
‘How you’d expect.’
‘Hmm. Do you think Lavender might have been right? That it might have been better to let him have his Christmas first?’
‘Would you want that? He’d had his tests on the two-week pathway, so he already knew there was a possibility for bad news. He’d be waiting to hear, and all sorts of disasters would be preying on his mind. Do you think he’d have had a happy, relaxing Christmas if I hadn’t told him the results? At least he knows now. He can make his last Christmas with his family count in whatever way he feels matters to him and them. No, I don’t think I should have let him have his Christmas first. I think I’ve made sure it’s the most important Christmas he’s ever had.’
Zoe had no response to Emilia’s statement. She didn’t know what she’d do, or whether she felt it right or wrong, but she understood perfectly Emilia’s logic. She also felt she was beginning to understand Emilia herself in a way she never had, by the things she did rather than what she said. She wasn’t trying to upset Lavender by being so resistant to the Christmas decorations and music and all that other seasonal stuff; she wasworried that it would be a distraction from what she felt really mattered, the thing that they were all there for – the patients. Lavender and Emilia disagreed about what the patients needed, and that was the problem as far as Zoe could see. Lavender felt they needed humanity and connection and all the things that gave them a sense of security in belonging, but Emilia saw those things as unnecessary, putting her faith in procedures and knowledge and science, in cold, hard facts and difficult choices. If only there was a way to make both of them see that they were on the same side, but if there was, Zoe suspected it would take a better woman than her to find it.
Coloured lights cut through the gloom of the high street, shining from every shop window, hanging from lampposts and trimming doorways. A brass band was playing in the market square, and a Santa was waving at children from a sled parked a short distance away. Windermere was far livelier than Thimblebury – though that wasn’t difficult. The main road through the town was lined on either side by terraces of pale stone with brightly coloured eaves and awnings that might once have been homes but were now mostly shops and restaurants. Some were clad in the Victorian mock Tudor style with little turrets like mini Bavarian castles, but all were lit warmly from within. From the high street, it wasn’t possible to see the lake, but Zoe, as she walked from the car park with Emilia, decided she’d take a stroll on the shore before they went back to Thimblebury, if she could squeeze it in, certain that it would look magical, the lakeside cafés and hotels decorated for Christmas and blanketed in snow.
As the shops came into view, they made arrangements to give it three hours and then meet up again for the drive home. Zoe was doubtful it would be enough time, but she was also aware that it was about all she had if she was going to make the carolservice. They had one another’s numbers if they needed more or less time, and so they left it at that and went their separate ways.
Zoe had visited two shops when the smell of roasting chestnuts reached her from a vendor parked near the main festivities. She was suddenly hungry and hadn’t had roasted chestnuts for years, and though she didn’t really have the time to stop and eat properly, she could stave off the pangs with a bag of those. And so she dashed over and bought some, and was munching rapidly when her attention was caught by the window of a coffee shop. Sitting at one of the tables was Emilia, leaning in to talk to a man. Zoe hadn’t meant to stop and stare, but she couldn’t help it. There was something in their body language that was a little off. Troubled, she’d call it, perhaps accusatory. Was this her ex? He was waving his hands around as he spoke, staring her down, while she was measured, as she always was, but her whole body was taut, sprung like a coil welded together, a tension that would never be released.
Suddenly aware of what she was doing, Zoe shook herself and hurried on, her mind full of what she’d seen. Was this the reason Emilia had wanted to come to Windermere? Had she planned to meet him, and Zoe wanting to go too was a fortuitous accident? Or had she seen an opportunity to engineer a meeting out of town, away from gossiping villagers, and had taken it? But there wasn’t time to dwell on it like she wanted to because she was already an hour into their allotted three, and though she’d managed to pick up a token gift for Lavender, she hadn’t managed to find anything for Alex, and that was the main reason she’d come.
Alex hadn’t mentioned much reading, but Zoe had finished her chestnuts and was throwing the bag away when she was drawn to the bookshop. It was worth a try, and if she didn’t find anything for him, perhaps she might pick up a cookbook for Corrine.
Inside, she was met by a colourful display of children’s books and hit by a tinge of sadness for her own lost child that kidnapped her attention for a moment. Would she ever get another chance? It felt as if time was running out. Ottilie was older than her, almost forty, but somehow she seemed in a far more stable place to bring a baby into the world. Things were going well for Zoe and Alex, but they were a long way from the point at which they could even discuss settling down together, let alone having a child. And his priority was Billie, the daughter he already had, and Zoe was fully respectful of that. She wouldn’t want to change it, and if Billiediddecide to keep her baby, Zoe would never want to take Alex away from his role as a grandad.
