Page 100 of The Village Midwife
‘It’s…’ Zoe’s shoulders slumped. ‘Do you ever feel as if nothing you do will ever be right?’
‘My whole bloody life. But not you – you’re not like that. I always thought, of the two of us, you were the one with a plan, the doer. I only drifted along at your side, but you…’
‘I must have been good at faking then.’
‘Something’s happened today to make you feel like this, I take it?’ he asked, and for once she was taken aback by his astute appraisal of the situation.
‘More than one thing. And not only today. Ever since…ever since I lost our baby, I haven’t felt like anything has been right,and it only seems to be getting worse. That happened, and then we started to break apart, and then…I always had my job. I had faith that whatever else was wrong in my life, I had that, and I was important and what I did mattered, and I was good at it.’
‘This is just about your job?’
‘No, that’s only part of it, but that’s the part I always trusted, and so if that’s going wrong, then what chance do I have with any of it?’
‘I’m not sure I’m following.’
‘I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t be following either.’
Zoe stopped and stared out over the river. A tangled clump of twigs and leaves sailed by. She watched its path downstream before shrugging. ‘I upset someone. A really good friend. And I don’t know if I can fix it.’
‘Ottilie?’
‘No, not Ottilie.’
‘You don’t have to tell me.’ He reached to loop an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. She allowed her head to lean on his chest. His smell was so warm and familiar; if she closed her eyes, she could imagine herself in the past, before she’d lost her baby, before they’d fallen apart, when he was all she needed. It felt like a safe place to be, uncomplicated and lovely. As he rubbed at her arm, she closed her eyes and a tear squeezed from the corner of one of them.
‘This is nice,’ he said after a pause that seemed to stretch for hours, filled only with the sound of the water rushing by and birds in the trees, and muffled music in the distance.
Zoe couldn’t deny that it was nice. She took deep breaths, in and out, and with every inhale he was a little more in her head, the memory of him, of what they’d once been when life had been so much simpler. She tilted to look up at him. ‘Thanks.’
He smiled – and in the next instant kissed her.
It was so sudden, so quick, that at first she could barely process it. It felt obvious and good, like a favourite pair of comfortable shoes, something she could trust in. Then came the guilt and a realisation that was like a thunderbolt. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want Ritchie. She wanted…
She tore her lips from his and stared at him. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I thought…I thought we were having a moment. I thought that was what you wanted.’
‘My fault…’ Zoe gathered herself and stood up. ‘God, I’m sostupid!’
‘Wait… what’s wrong?’
Zoe threw her hands in the air. ‘Everything!’
‘Even me?’
‘Yes, you! Ritchie, I don’t want to hurt you, but we can’t go back – surely you understand that?’
‘Why can’t we? We’re not divorced yet; we can stop it.’
She stared at him. She understood. Maybe she’d always understood, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it. ‘That’s the only reason you’ve been coming here.’
‘Of course it’s not?—’
‘Oh, Ritchie, why? Why did you have to do that? I thought we’d got it worked out; I thought we’d found a way to split and stay friends. I was so smug about it to everyone who said you can’t be both, and I was like, yes, me and Ritchie can. But we can’t – today has proved that. I don’t want us to go through the rest of our lives hating one another, but we can’t have contact, not like this, not like we’ve been doing. It won’t work.’
‘There’s someone else? That guy, your neighbour…’
Zoe narrowed her eyes. Ritchie had admitted to being at the celebrations for longer than she’d been aware of. Had he seen her argument with Alex?
