Page 58 of The Village Midwife
‘I don’t have children,’ she began. ‘I’d love one, but I’ve never been lucky enough to carry a baby to term. I haven’t even had much luck getting pregnant in the first place.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Billie said, though she sounded as if she didn’t want to be sorry but couldn’t help herself. ‘I didn’t know.’
‘It’s nobody’s fault – certainly not yours. For a while, I thought it was mine. I was pregnant, not so long ago, but I lost the baby in my second term. That was hard. I thought if I’d done more, looked after myself better, worked less, eaten healthier…all that stuff. Even though I know this job inside out, and if it were any other mother I’d be telling them they weren’t to blame, I couldn’t tell myself that.’
‘You want me to take care because you think you didn’t?’
‘Sort of. I want you to take care because I want you to enjoy what I couldn’t have. I want all my mums-to-be to have what I couldn’t. I want them to do it for me because then at least Ifeel as if I mean something to someone. Does that make sense? And I’m sure you’re finding it hard doing this alone, and I can imagine you’re scared, but the alternative is worse – take it from me.’
Zoe drew a breath. Had she crossed a line? Sharing something so personal with a woman in her care, laying it on the line like this – was it professional? Probably not, but if it worked, Zoe would consider it had been a risk worth taking. ‘I don’t usually tell people…well, not the women I look after anyway. I’m not even sure I should be telling you, but I have. I only hope it somehow helps.’
Billie was silent for a short while. Zoe looked towards the window, recognising that the younger woman needed time to process what she’d been told. She had things to process of her own. It was true that she had her own rules about not sharing the loss of her baby, and the reasons were complicated. This was the first time – other than having to explain to people who’d already known she was pregnant – that she’d told someone in her care about it. Did she feel better for sharing? Had it lifted a weight? She didn’t think so, because she didn’t think anything would ever do that, but she hoped some good might come from it. If it helped change the way Billie felt about her own pregnancy, then that had to be good.
‘Iamscared,’ Billie said finally. ‘I never asked to do this on my own. I didn’t even plan to get pregnant. I can’t do it without Luis.’
‘I know,’ Zoe said. ‘Nobody expects you to. Your dad wants to be there for you. I want to be there for you.’
‘It’s your job,’ Billie said with a dismissive waft of her hand.
‘Yes, it is, but there’s nothing in my job description that says I owe you anything once the baby is born. Even then, I’m only a field away, and you can call on me any time for anything. Yes, you will be bringing up baby as a single parent, but you don’tever have to do it alone.’ Zoe smiled, encouraged by the sense that Billie’s walls were lowering, ever so slightly. ‘There are other women locally who will be single mothers, and there are parent and baby groups in the village too. I know they probably sound boring, but would it hurt to give one a try? You might make a friend or two with people who understand what you’re going through.’
Billie shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Billie…I need you to be honest with me, no matter how painful it is. Do you want to keep your baby? When he or she is born, do you want to keep them? Because if you feel it’s going to be too much, nobody would judge you. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly – I’m not suggesting for a minute it is – but it is a decision that you are allowed to make.’
‘I couldn’t do…It wouldn’t be right. It’s not fair.’
‘What’s not fair? Who wouldn’t it be fair to? At the end of the day, you might not be as alone as you think, but you will be a mother, and that comes with responsibilities that you can’t get away from. There’s no shame in admitting that you can’t face them – sometimes it shows the greatest love for your child to know that you can’t care for them and to give them a better chance with someone else who can.’
Billie’s eyes were wide. She suddenly looked so much younger than her twenty-three years. ‘Do you think I should give the baby up?’
‘That’s not what I’m saying, and it’s not for me to say even if I had an opinion – which I don’t. I’m not entitled to one. I’m simply saying that if you think there’s only one way to go here, that’s not true.’
‘But Dad says?—’
‘It’s nobody’s choice but yours. Forget what anyone else has to say on the matter. But I will ask you for one favour – whatever you decide, that little one growing inside you needs to be caredfor, and that’s one responsibility only you can take on. Please go to your appointments and let people help you to do that. Your baby deserves the best start, even if that’s as far as your part in their life goes.’
Billie nodded. ‘I’ll go to the next one, I promise.’
Zoe got up. ‘Thank you. I’ll ask the hospital to send one through…unless you’d rather phone the department and reschedule yourself?’
‘You can do it…if you don’t mind, I mean.’
Zoe watched her carefully. The act had been dropped. She looked as scared as she’d admitted to – and ashamed. It hadn’t been Zoe’s intention to do that, but if it was the only way to make her see that she had a duty to the baby she was carrying, then she’d have to deal with her part in that outcome. She was only glad she didn’t have a colleague looking over her shoulder right now because she wasn’t entirely sure what she’d just done was professional.
As she left the living room, Alex came from the kitchen to meet her.
‘How did it go?’ he asked.
Zoe shrugged. ‘She’s promised to go to her next one,’ she said in a low voice as she glanced back to the closed living-room door. ‘I can’t really do a lot more than that, so fingers crossed I’ve managed to get through.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Do you talk to her much?’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘About the future? About what it’s going to be like, your part in her life once the baby is born?’
‘She knows I’ll always be there for her. She’s my daughter – of course I will be.’
‘But do you say it? Because I don’t think she does know that. It seems obvious to you, but I don’t think it would hurt to make it crystal clear to her.’
